Anxiety reacquainted

I suffered from anxiety since I was 12 years old but it seems in the late months of 2022 I was reacquainted with anxiety.

I used to be able to mask or bury my anxiety, I don’t know which is true, but I was able to control it to a level. Now, anxiety controls me! And it’s for a stupid reason to most people.

Losing my routine. That’s the thing causing my anxiety to spike. And getting my first job.

I spoke to a few people and shared my anxieties with them and all acted as if my anxiety and fear of my first job was unnecessary. Although, I have a feeling that these people didn’t have the time or luxury to feel anxiety or didn’t feel it just as intensely or at least didn’t realize it was anxiety.

I know it’s normal to feel A LEVEL OF ANXIETY for your first job but not the paralyzing one I get. Also, I have been looking for a job since 2018 and I have gone to a few interviews but I have sent far too many CVs (I don’t know the number or can recall) that I have convinced myself I would never get a job.

Furthermore, I went on a trial day at a restaurant’s kitchen and I realized that working in restaurants isn’t for me. I’m not fast enough or can handle long hours of standing or walking or long hours of soaked hands. Osteoarthritis and eczema are a few things that make this environment of work impossible for me. And I figured out the jobs I’m best suited to are remote jobs in translation and editing or any other writing-related jobs. Maybe an office job or even in publishing or editing.

Another thing that causes me anxiety is fixing my sleep schedule to accommodate the needs of the job or my parents’ needs for house chores.

Hopefully, I achieve that.

Yet anxiety might have cost my best friend… a few weeks ago my best friend asked for space. (If you don’t know what’s going on with that read https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/2023/01/18/current-battles/)

It makes me sad to think that someone who also suffers from social anxiety would understand the situation and the feelings that come along with such issues. Alas, I understand how triggering it must be so I can’t be that mad at her.

I am hurt though because I reached out for help and she didn’t help me while other times when I didn’t reach out she gave me hell for it… And when communication was established the entire atmosphere has grown cold from my side. This friendship is testing me and is testing.

I don’t know how I will manage to live with this upgraded version of my anxiety but I will try. And if I don’t manage then…I couldn’t. Lately, dying doesn’t sound so bad.

Here’s to finding the strength to do that and getting a remote writing/translating job!

Current Battles

Lately, from Friday to today, things have been getting bad. My anxiety has spiked because on Friday I had to confirm to the night school that I would go to our Erasmus exchange program. I was having 2nd and 3rd thoughts because I’m very anxious about traveling after the pandemic and because last time I was in Italy it was an experience!

Although, now I’m a bit less anxious about the trip, I did share my anxieties with my best friend and her response was harsh. It hurt me and I told her so. The response back was even harsher saying how she tried to be considerete and kind but I didn’t respond to it so it was time for tough love. She hasn’t been all that considered BUT she has been dealing with a lot of things in her life hence why I haven’t shared much of what has been going on with me.

I know I’m part to blame for not sharing everything with my best friend but I don’t feel comfortable and kind to share my troubles and anxieties with her while she’s going through the ringer, from her health to family stuff. I have tried to be there for her as best as I can which right now I’m doubting if I did all I could. It hurts.

But what hurts the most is the fact that my own mother agrees with her. My mother always agrees with my best friend even if she has been wrong in the past. On that note, things with my parents have been going great… until today…

I have troubles waking up early and I have been trying to fix that. But today we had a fight about this and my mum used my fragile anxiety and all my shortcomings and it hurt to see her use what I have shared with them. I felt like I was being slapped and then she added that she agreed with my best friend’s words.

I have been in a very dark space especially since Monday when things went a bit dark in my head while I was showering. And now this… I cried and my intrusive thoughts turned suicidal. I rushed to my medicine box and my bag to start looking for pills just to end it.

I have been trying for years to get a job got rejected so many times, I write and put things out in the world nobody reads it not even my own family. I put on an ad for work nobody sees this. My skills aren’t in retail or restaurants it’s my writing and computers. I’m currently going to night school to learn more about computers so I can apply to such jobs but it’s not enough.

The entire universe and people around me show me that I don’t matter and I’m tired of hoping and trying. So, I’m escalating my plan instead of killing myself at 25 years old I’m killing myself this year! I’m done!

Yet, as I started Googling to see which meds would do the job I ended up cleaning out the box and expired medication and wondering what is half of them. And since I’m writing this now, I didn’t do it. But I will at some point this year because I’m fucking done.

I am a waste of recourses and space. Thanks for following me throughout these years… I guess….

Chaos And War

TRIGGER WARNING: TALKING ABOUT THE WAR IN UKRAINE, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND EVERY OTHER GEOPOLITICAL SITUATION!

The world…the world is ending and you can’t convenience me otherwise.

My heart is shattered hearing what is happening in Ukraine before this I have been following very loosely what was happening since 2014 but I never thought it would go as far as a war.

I’m terrified that this is just the beginning of something far worse that will destroy the life I and many of us know. And the most terrifying thing I have come to realize is how normal I think it is and how numb I became after the shock faded away. Since the pandemic started and the rest of the chaos that followed I’m so tired of historic events happening every six minutes!

In 2014 I dreaded thinking of the possibility of a war…although I have been thinking about it many times during the day…now…there’s not a day where I haven’t thought about the horrors that are happening now in Ukraine.

I live far away from Ukraine and I’m safe but seeing how quickly this country’s safety was taken away from millions of families and people it’s unsettling. I spent days looking around my room and house mentally trying to pack my entire life…and I got so anxious by just the thought of it! Imagine having to actually execute this entire action?!

Furthermore, I can’t go on TikTok and dissociate from reality because the only way for me to get updates on the situation in Ukraine is through TikTok causing my entire fyp to be full of videos with this situation…so I can’t not go on it to run away from reality because reality gets thrown in my face. This is the least of my problems because everything had gone up prices-wise and jobs are scares…

Since 2021 and 2022 started I have been more actively searching for remote and local jobs and haunting for a residency but so far they are very little improvement. I really have no optimistic idea how things will turn out.

As much as I don’t like to admit it, I’m not built to survive a world war or any war! I have no survival skills! Hell, I have no skills period! The only thing I can do is write…yep that’s it…maybe throw a punch? No…not even that….

Watching everything that is happening in Ukraine and Russia I can’t help but feel sad and angry! Because the Ukrainians don’t deserve this and at the same time the Russian people, those who are against this war, don’t deserve these sanctions Europe and the entire world have imposed on Russia. Putin and those who support him and the war do deserve the sanctions and even to get trialed for crimes against humanity to the highest court of justice! These soldiers who support this war give a bad rep to those who were forced to get drafted/enlisted and sent under false info from the higher-ups!

Also, these people are monsters, because they aren’t soldiers or humans when they agree to fight and shoot at innocents, invade a country that doesn’t deserve this, and don’t obey the laws of war that were signed in 1948! Back to the point, these monsters also make it more difficult to believe soldiers who ACTUALLY surrender their weapons because they actually don’t want to fight this war…

I really hope this ends soon because we are nearing four months of this…I can’t understand why not so many countries have moved army-wise to help Ukraine and stop Putin from doing this and only send “prayers”… I’m thankful that countries sent food and medical aid but if those things can’t actually reach them because the Russian army is stoping it…what’s the point…how can they help them?

I wish I wasn’t so helpless….