Silence

*Trigger Warning; mention of suicide!*

I wrote this poem last night, I lost two of my best friends just because I posed a Facebook post expressing how thankful I am for them and instead of adding just the two of them I added three more friends who I consider them my best friends. I had lost one more best friend in the past and it hurt very much and I had told them how much it had hurt me but they did it too to me! One of my best friends was far more hurt than the other one. And she said that she doesn’t consider me as her best friend anymore and the other one has been ghosting me definitely choosing her over me. But suddenly, everything wrong in my life came crashing down. And suddenly I feel that I’m done…so done trying to be hopeful, trying to be positive, to help others, being understanding and being the bigger person when I’m always being screwed over….

Anyways, like always, no one is going to read this.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.

With loving, supportive parents, at least on the outside.

They let her study her favorite career choice yet they failed to read or listen to her voice.

Whenever she would speak, a sentence or a word, they would interrupt her. 

Changing the topic, insulting her storytelling choice or add their experience.

The little girl patiently waiting for her turn to add, to contribute.

It never came.

The little girl decided that she won’t stop trying to get her voice heard.

But she will never beg for it.

She will start to talk and when she will get interrupted she will stop talking altogether, wait and see who noticed.

Days went by, weeks went by, months went by, years went by.

No one noticed.

One day the little girl woke up and she had enough.

She put her best dress or her best pants.

She did her hair perfectly.

She packed her bags and then she opened the door of her home and left.

No word.

No nothing.

Besides, a notebook on top of her desk in her room with all the unsaid words written inside it finally said somewhere.

Hours passed and lunch was set when her parents decided to go to her room and a frightful sight was met.

The little girl, unfortunately, was never able to physically leave her home.

Only her mind could.

Only her soul would.

Now her parents had the soulless, lifeless body of their little girl and a book full f her unsaid words.

Words that were too late to be said or heard.

If only they listened instead of allowing silence to reign over their little girl.

If only silence hadn’t come.

If only the parents and the world listened.

If….only….

Masked Insult Into An Advice

Hi, I’m 20 years old and I’m not where I want to be.

I’m 20 years old, I weight 106 Kg = 233 lbs. My height is 1.70 meters = 5.5 feet.

For society and for everyone around me I’m fat.

I haven’t been posting here a lot because I went through some things but I didn’t think they were worthy enough to post on here until something happened repeatly. I’m mentioning them to my previous post; https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/2019/09/04/are-you-happy-ma-you-broke-me/

I have two best friends…if god can call them that…their names shall stay hidden because they are the only friends I have.

I don’t blame them but it bothers me they said/say those things. I do understand they have different lives and different difficulties but it hurts when they say those things.

So, my best friends, Maxie (not her real name) and Jenny (not her real name). Maxie was born in a hard working family and she was the surprise baby and the youngest in her family, she spoiled and she is “daddy this” and “daddy that” but she is also hard working, she works two jobs yet she acts self absorbed so much that she calls me only to tell me about her day and when she asks about mine she has no time to listen (conviniently). She can be high maintance and gets bored easily whenever she would be ignored by me or the group we are hanging out with she will pinch us or whine or hit us or srcatch us in order to turn our attention to her…just like a dog if you ask me. At the same time she is gossiping and critisizing other people badly and I wonder if ever have been the topic of critique with her other friends. Also, she never refers to me as her best friend but when Jenny is around she is calling us her besties…which confuses me.

Jenny on the other hand we had a similar upbringing…she was/is mildly abused at home by her parents and older brother yet she can’t stop talking about all the good times. She is a daydreamer, she loves to write stories, listening to instrumental music and staying at home, she doesn’t drink alcohol and she is working hard on everything she puts her mind into. She wants to be happy with people that love her and support and they are honest and not violent. She wants to be told she good and appreciated.

I loved hanging out with them they helped me get out of my depression. They used to be kind. Maybe I changed but…

Their behavior changed…

Jenny got together with her ex before her most recent ex and at the same time Maxie found a boyfriend too so I was left the only one without a boyfriend and suddenly it started.

We got together and I joked that I was the only one being signle and they said and I quote/translate;

“If you shave your hands’ hair and wear something more seductive you might get one.”

“If you lose some weight and wear more makeup then you would be fine.”

“You know if you went out to clubs more maybe you would meet someone.”

They know or at least I had told them why I don’t wear seductive clothes, why I don’t drink and why I don’t like going to clubs.

Yet they don’t allow me to speak about things that bother me such as my ex best friend and what has been going on at home.

And if I manage to start a conversation about those said topics they act as if it’s the first time they hear it and they throw a “It’s over now don’t think about it” line and they change topic…like what the fuck?! I started this conversation because I wanted to disscuss about it!

It reached to a point that I didn’t want to share my news with them.

It reached to a point that I didn’t share my news with them. And they get angry when they figure it out or learn it after it happened.

For example, for those who have no idea here’s the reasons why I don’t wear makeup, I don’t shave my arm hairs, why I don’t drink. why I don’t wear seductive clothes and why I don’t go out to clubs;

  1. I don’t wear makeup because I already have a history with acne and eye-allergies which sometimes get triggered when I try to wear mascara or eyeshadow. And also because I like how I see myself in the mirror. I like how I can play with the tones of my lipstick and leave the rest of my face makeup-free. I also like how I can go to any public bathroom if need to wash my face and get the oil off my face without having to do much of touch up and I can changed the tone of my lipstick much quicker to fit the occasion. Plus, I wear glasses and when long eyelashes + mascara + glasses = disaster glasses since I open and close my eyes and mascara goes on my glasses! It’s annoying! Lastly, when I laugh most times I tend to tear up and if I don’t wear mascara or anything else I can easily wipe it and call it a day and I won’t look like a panda.
  2. I don’t shave my arm hair because my cousin once did and then she had problems with the hairs growing back more sharp and she had pimples, itchiness and it hurt whenever she wore long-sleeves or gloves since she is a Geologist. I already have pimples in my arms from the hairs and because I use them as a form of self-harm…i know it’s bad. Plus I’m already dealing with the same problem with the hairs on my legs and other areas such as armpits which is enough for me!
  3. I don’t drink for many reasons, growing up I saw how addiction runs in both sides of the family. In my mum’s side is the alcoholism, depression, obssesive compulsive disorder, drugs and domestic abuse. While in my dad’s side it’s addiction to painkillers, obssesive compulsive disorder (again) and pathologically lying. Plus you can add to both sides autoimmune diseases and cancer which medication forbid alchohol consumption. Growing up seening incidents from both side I grew up disliking the smell of alcohol and ciggarates and the sight of meds, hospitals, assylyms and waiting corridors. I promised to myself that allow myself to be addicted to food and chocolate only! I won’t smoke, I won’t do drugs, I won’t drink and I’ll try to take care of my mental and physical health. I failed at the two last things. At 17 got diagnosed with autoimmune disease No 1; Hashimoto Thyriods which made me gain weight. At 18 I got diagnosed with autoimmune disease No 2: Osteoathritis Chondropathy located to my knees and spreading to my hips and wrists slowly and painfully. At 8 my paternal aunt’s psychiatrist saw some drawings of mine and we talked for a bit and “unofficially” diagnosed me with depression and warned my dad. I started to see signs of self-destrictive syndrom at age 9 and at the age of 15 I was forced by my then friends to drink alcohol and I didn’t like how it made me feel, I started to think very dark thoughts darker then the ones in my mind on a daily bases. Also every since I was 7 mum smoked in the house and I felt like my lungs were closing in on me and it made me tear up and starve for oxygen.
  4. I don’t wear seductive clothes because I learned a very “awaking” lesson when I was 12 during PE. I decided to go to the bathroom during class and I heard the teacher allowing another one to go, we had a rule only two students at the time in the bathroom and mostly boys-girls pairs. I was coming out of the girls bathroom when my bully who was also in the same class prevented me from going any further he tried to touch me (if you understand what I mean) I kneed him in the balls and run but I didn’t run fast enough, next thing I know I’m hit in the back of my head with a mop handler and then procedded to be beating with it until I begged him to stop. He did but before I could react he was on top of me and tried to undo my tracksuit! I fought back, I hit him with my knee in the back of his head then I headbutted him and knocked him out then I run to my PE teacher with a bloody nose, a headache and couple bruises, thank god! It could have ended differently but that day I wasn’t dressed seductively I was wearing a jumper and a tracksuit. Then I started to dress with baggy clothes and then I started to gain weight so men didn’t pay much attention to me. Also, I asked my dad to teach me self defense in order to be ready. But that day I learned that they would attack you no matter how you dress. But the right attention shouldn’t be earned by how you dress but how you act and how you talk to others.
  5. I don’t go to clubs because I don’t like the music their playing and what could happen if you are alone. I heard many horror stories. I prefer to stay safe in my home with TV shows. I like going to bistros where I can drink or eat something while my friends drink and we can hear one another.

Back to the point, I’m growing tired how I can’t talk about things I truly care. I feel unheard and that they either hang out with me because of pity or because I might give great advice.

Also, it might be all in my head or a portion of it. But It can’t be all! I just don’t know do I ask a lot in the friend department? Are all friendships the same or is it just me that attracts people like that?

I really don’t know..

Thanks for reading my previous post, I really appreciate it! I hope you enjoy this one just as much!

Are You Happy, Ma? You Broke Me.

Warning this following post might be triggering for some, if any reads it, also it might be offensive to some. Also, it will be a rant. You’ve been warned.

Things have been bad lately.

Money have be short and It’s all my fault.

At least that is what I believe.

I’ve been looking for a job but I don’t want to sell myself to them.

I’ve been looking for a job but no one wants to hire me because I’m not enough.

I’ve graduated college and I’m looking for my rescidency but no one wants me because I’m not enough. Or they found somebody else.

Aunt Helena who was “kind” enough to allow me to let me stay in her house for two years while making my parents go through hell in their own home by criticizing them and their way of life. They can’t defend themselves and say what they really want to say because if they kick her out she will kick me out. And I had college. So they suffered.

Aunt Helena was sneaky enough to lure me in making me feel safe and understood when in reality she waited for my trust and once she got it and she started using all my fears, all my insecurities against me. Just like mum and dad. Just like my sister.

How you dress? How you look. How you are fat. How you are not doing anything correct. How you are not always cleaning the house properly.

Aunt Helena didn’t raise her hand against me to bruise like mum did but her tongue did the same thing.

In August Aunt Helena said she wanted to rent the room I’ve been staying to some friend of her boyfriend. And I should leave.

And go where? Home…or at least late grandma’s house.

Good thing I was already with my parents when the news broke.

Quick find a job. Quick find a residency. Two quick trips to Thessaloniki to try to make sense of this mess. No actual help. No actual news.

Send messages. Send resemes. Send e-mails. Two no’s out of the 6 maybe 7 people I asked for a residency. Too many no’s to count from jobs.

I subscibed to every job site on Google I’m not good enough for any of them and to whoever I e-mailed my reseme got no answer.

It’s Semptember and I want…or at least I wanted to do my residency in October…but I doubt it will happen. Which means I won’t get my degree.

Mum and dad try to force me to consider doing my residency in Athens and not Thessaloniki but I don’t want to go to the capital because there is too much violence and criminal activity and it’s far away. I have already learned Thessaloniki and I have a friend there (not a boyfriend) with whom I can hang out and talk. In Athens I’ll be by myself. In Thessaloniki I can commute every day If Aunt Helena kicks me out in order to rent the room.

Today, Wednsday 4th of September 2019 during lunch the topic of my residency rose again and mum said that i’m being lazy and not looking hard enough.

Today, Wednsday 4th of September 2019, at 1 pm having slept at 4 am mum yelled at me to wake up, she then started to yell at me for various things. I tried my best to correct my mistakes without a word. Aunt Helena is with us (yesterday she returned) and had a fight with mum about where mum stores her towels and sheets in the house. Mum proceeded to be mad and moody and then started yelling at me. Trying to make me feel as bad as her.

She successed it.

Now, I feel even more of a failure than the rest of the days.

Today I want to die.

Today I want to grab a knife and slit my wrist and let them bleed. Today I want to stab myself in the gut and let myself die. Not carrying of the pain.

If I can’t find a job and a residency in order to start raising money and being able to find a home so I can leave the toxic people I was raised amongst I will kill myself. Goals and dreams of a future be damned!

I can’t keep bottling things in and in and in.

I can’t barerly hold my tears. I can barerly hold my sobs. I try to be okay with a few minutes of soundless sobbing and crying in the bathroom and then face those voltures.

I’ve been doing it since I was five and I’m 20 years old now. I can’t bare it anymore. I raised so many walls. I raised so many shields. They cracked so many times. I tried to build them back up but fuck I can’t keep repairing them because they can’t hold on as they did.

I’m sorry eight-year-old me. I failed you and our escape plan. I’m sorry I can’t take you away from the abuse and toxic eniviroment. I tried.

I’m sorry.

I know no one cares and no one will read this since no one cares about this page. But I can’t hold it in anymore. I need an outlet.

Taking A Risky Step

Hello, everyone! I hope everything is going well in your lives and if it’s not then i send you positive vibes your way to help you through it, also, remember that through hardships we grow!

Anyways, I making this quick post to let you all know, those who care and read my posts… That I took a very risky step.

You see i’m close to graduating college and I should be studying for exams but instead I wasted all my morning looking for a job and sending a reseme out.

That was when I realized that couple weeks ago I made an account to a new site called Daisie.com where a bunch of artists post and ask donations and help with their projects and I made an account in hopes of finding a job since I will graduate from college with a degree in Filmmaking and Scriptwriting.

But in order to get attention you should post some of your projects.

For weeks, I dreaded the thought. I had nothing.

Or so I thought!

I took the steps, today, after I sent my first reseme and decided to upload some photos I had taken at my college town’s port a day I had attended a Street Film Festival my college created and a Natural History Exhibition with a very good friend of mine, Karen, and I had take some pretty cool shots of the sunset and the sea.

So, I upload them on the site!

Then I wanted to upload and a story I had written just to showcase what I like doing so people can see!

AND I DID IT!

So, if anyone has an account on http://www.daisie.com and feels like following new people, feel free to follow me!

Here is my link: https://www.daisie.com/vasilikitzalachani

I hope I see some sort of response to be 100% honest…

Okay, that is all I wanted to say! Now, I have to go study! Next post it probably be another weird dream of mine since I saw some response and I’m so glad that you guys liked it!

See ya, next time!

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Vivid Dreams Are Sometimes Memorable.

I used to have vivid dreams all my life and in this post I’m going to share two dreams that have impacted my life. This post will mark the 1st post of the Dream section of this site, I hope you gonna like!

Enjoy!

  • 1st Dream:

I remember I was around the age of 14 and I dreamed that I was holding a newborn baby boy and I was walking through this dark hall that used to exist in my home at the time and I was heading towards the living room where my dad and an unknown boy were sitting watching Baseball which I found it weird since I’m Greek and we don’t watch Baseball…

I remember that I felt such shame and I wasn’t welcomed to sit with them so I walked towards the window where the blinders and shutters were down and I tried to see outside but my dad told me to hide away from the window.

I felt hurt and sad that my dad used this cold tone with me but I swallowed it and I tried to show my son the world outside using a soft tone.

I felt this immense love and affection for him that it was overwhelming for me, i couldn’t fathom it in a way.

I still remember to this day the smell, the feeling of the holding him and how the blanket and how skin felt under my fingertips.

After a few more minutes of showing my son the room I sat with my dad and that boy. I sat on the floor Indian style while my son was in my dad’s arms.

I mindlessly watched the game not caring nor understanding it.

Then my son started to cry and I knew he was hungry so I took him from my dad and we went to the kitchen where I fed him with a bottle while singling to him.

Then I tell him that I will never let him down and I’ll always protect him.

Then I’m awakened by my alarm clock but I felt this wave of loss and withdrawal that I wanted to go back to sleep and see my son again to the point I secretly cried while getting ready for school.

  • 2nd Dream:

I’m sitting in the kitchen of my parent’s house and i’m feeling stressed and angry and i have my hands rubbing my face and hand and as i let them down i see my mum and my aunt fighting about something i think it’s stupid. Then i see my sister and my dad also there sitting next to me. Then i stand up and i go to the living room aka my room when i’m with them and i start to pack my things and i’m sad but the feeling i’m feeling the most is anger.

Then i marched through the door and i’m going out just then i come face to face with a guy from the apartment on my left and somehow i know his name is Gregory and as we see each other with sigh in a tired tone and we get into the elevetor and then we burst out laughing and it’s a nervous laugh. I see he has a bag too and i somehow know he is running away too.

We walk together to the bus station which is near my house you just walk down the road for ten minutes and you are there both in the dream and real life.

Then we get a bus for my college town aka Thessaloniki and from the we take a bus for a town in Spain. But here is the thing, Gregory and I had played rock paper sizzors sho(e), he wanted Italy and i wanted Spain and i won (because it’s my dream ahahahaha).

As we board the bus i see a goth couple in front of our seats, the woman was searching for camping gear on Amazon and then man was reading a travel guide. To our right it’s a red headed man that was reading Heracles Puraro in Albanian and the couple before him they are Hippies playing a word game on their phone and they were fighting about some word and points. Somehow i felt connected to them and i smile at them and they are waving at us.

We sit down to our seats and soon enough the bus starts and i fall asleep. I’m shaken out of my sleep and it’s night out and Gregory tells me that we are stopping for twenty minutes because the driver has a cramp and i rush to the bathroom with both Goth woman and the Hippy woman and we a laughing because they are three stools and we all wanted to go.

The Goth woman named Anna tells me that she has a clock and she timed it and that we shouldn’t worry. Once we are done we go and buy bunch of snacks and we run back into the bus just in time. The boys told us that they had a similar bathroom experience.

Soon we were all laughing and exchanging stories.

Somehow i blink and i’m in a very cute apartment and my alarm clock is ringing. I get up and get ready and for some reason i’m so happy i think i will explode!

Then i go to a small tourist cafe where an old lady by the name of Estella, a second generation immigrant from Greece to Spain, owns the cafe and she had hired me because of my good English and the awesome coffee i make. I see myself working and i feel whole for some reason and very lightweighted.

As i take a break i ask Estella in great Spanish i might add if i could have 31st of August up to 23rd of September free for a trip Gregory and i are planning. She says yes and i hug her then i invite her too.

Somehow i found myself surrounded with clothes and suitaces while Gregory yells from the bathroom if we will need to pack shampoo just in case the hotel has something that i’m allergic to. I yell yes as i pack. Then i feel something hitting me in my head and it’s a loofa and Gregory is laughing his ass off.

Next thing i know we are on a bus and i know that in order to be here we had to have taken an airplane and as i look around i see the Hippie couple now i know they are named Elena and Stathis, the Goth couple named Anna and Eric and the red head dude named Spiros and of course Estella and we are complaining to each other about the delay we had on the airport.

During that i seem to stare at Spiros while i try to realize where i have seen him before in that moment i realize it’s all a dream and Spiros is the guy i had seen three more times in different dreams (i will post about it someday). As i blink again we are in a tavern and we are eating and drinking and i know we are drunk because we are doing pretty stupid stuff like attempting to dance and falling down and we say stories and repeat ourselves yet we laugh even harder. Now i’m sitting next to Spiros and Gregory next to Anna and they look pretty cozy and i’m confused then i remember a piece of information about Anna and Eric they aren’t a couple but brother and sister and Gregory is dating Anna and plans to propose tonight by the sea.

While i hold hands with Spiros as we laugh to a story about Estella’s brother and his first attempt at fishing. Then a family from the table behind us ask us to keep quiet and i look at them and yell “Sorry. We will try to keep our voices down” in German which shocks me and i look at them and they smile as they come and sit with us. Soon all of us are laughing and talking including the Greman family.

As i stand up to go ask for more Ouzo and water i hear the bell of the tarven’s door and i see my parents and sister walking in they haven’t seen me yet but i feel true horror as i franticaly kick Gregory’s legs and shake my hand to my family’s general direction. Once he sees them he nodds and whispers something to Anna he stands up take the Ouzo and water bottles and then tells me to follow him. I do as i’m told and we give order for the drinks and i pay for the food then he and i sneak out and we go towards the beach the tavern is near to.

There he hugs me and tries to calm me down while i say that i don’t want to go back. He tells me that if i’m forced to go back Estella can and will adopt me if i tell her the abuse i had suffered in and cause me to end up in Spain.

I tell Gregory that if i tell Estella he has to tell Anna and Eric about his abuse too.

We sit by the shore and we throw rocks in it while i tell him how i grew up hearing his parents and siblings fight all the time. He tells me how he remembers when a summer i was visiting my late grandma had called me terrible things that resulted into me grabbing my five year old sister and our stuff and leaving only to spent half of the night in the benches near our house only for my aunt to come and get us back home. He also said that he remembers how i had bang on their door when we were sixteen and yelling at them to shut up because you were studying and how the next day you watched as the police did the same thing and took his parents away for the night.

Then i turn to him and i’m crying and i say that we have to tell them that we are not brother and sister and he hugs me saying how we always be brother and sister because of what keeps us togethers. Then i can see in the distance my sister running yelling my name and i grab Gregory’s hand and we run back to the tavern. There i find our friends who i consider my family waiting for us in order to order desserts. As we order i see my mum staring at me and i pretend i haven’t seen her. I try to act as if i don’t feel my parents’ stares and i laugh as Spiros and Anna attempt to dance tango only for Estella to yell that they are doing it wrong and that this dance it’s Salsa. Then the little girl from the German family stands up and invites me to dance with her to show them what “real” tango looks like. I end up dancing with the little girl in a mocking manner since she is shorted then me and then i picked her up and twirl her around while she giggles. Then her brother wants me to do the same to him and i do. Then i’m asked by the mother of those kids if i and Spiros would like to visit them for Christmas in Oslo and i say that we will think about it. Of course all this conversations happens in German and i can hear my dad asking my mum in Greek when did i learn German.

After we eat the dessert we all stand up and get ready to leave while we hug and say our goodbye to the German family and they promise to call us once they land safely in Oslo since apperantly that day was the last of their vacation.

As i hug them i close my eyes and when i open them i’m standing before a grave and it writes “Estella Loren 1969-2020” And i’m crying while i feel Gregory and Spiros hugging me sayng how it was her time and that she will always watch over me.

I nod as we walk back to the car and i see Anna holding a baby and she is crying too saying how she didn’t expect that she will have a heart attack during the party in her wedding and how she feels guilty about it. Then i know that Gregory and Anna named their daughter after her. As we get into the car i feel something very weird like i’m dizzy and i’m sweating a lot with cold sweat. Anna tells me i’m having an anxiety attack and i look at her in true horror saying how i had nothing to feel anxious about before i couldn’t breathe. Then i faint inside the car.

When i come around i’m in my bed and Gregory tells me that someone is at the door asking for me and i instantly know it’s my sister. I walk to her and i ask her rudely what is she doing here. She tells me how mum and dad were looking for me for years and they were sorry and i should return.

I laugh bitterly but before i could say anything Gregory marches up the door and yells at my sister that i won’t return back to the abusive hell hole and that if they wanted me back they shouldn’t have treated me poorly and showed no support. And that now i had a better family then them. Then he slams the door and i look at him as he hugs me and we both sigh in a tired tone.

Next thing i know i’m in the cafe which now is mine apperantly and i’m taking an order from a group of Swedish tourist when i see two blond teens around the age of thirteen walking in and look around as if they look for someone. I approch them asking if they want something and they smile as both of them jumped in my arms saying how they missed me. Then i remember them it’s the boy and the girl from the German family and for some reason i know i have to see them only one year since after that time we met in the tavern we spent every Christmas holiday with them.

I’m confused and i ask them how Samantha allowed them to travel alone without an adult and they say that their parents are with them but they wanted some “alone time” so they decided to come and help me out in the cafe. I smile and i give them their aprons with their names “Gwen” and “Henry” on them. I kiss their foreheads and wish them good luck in German. As i turn around i see my dad and my mum staring at me sad but i don’t want them here so i ignore them during my shift. When i finish and i’m closing Henry tells me that my parents are still here and refuse to leave until they speak to me. I say okay and i tell them to go back to their hotel and that Spiros and I we will come by once i shower. He nods and runs back inside as i walk towards my parents and i sit next to them.

During the entire dream i felt nothing but happiness and a little dread every time i would see my parents or my sister.

They ask me why i left and i tell them that i was done with the circle of abuse, first mum and aunt then mum and dad towards me and my sister and then between me and my sister. I told them i was tired of fighting and walking on eggshells every day and i was tired of having no support and being told that having depression and anxiety was my fault and it was a result of me being a sensitive child. I was done being told that being sensitve was a weakness when in reality it was my stregnth and then i tell them to look around them and see what i accomplished by being sensitive ol’ me. I had friends that i call them my family, i had a job that i liked and most of all i was in peace. I told them that if something happened right now and i died i would gladly go because i have no unfinished business or burdens to keep me here.

Then i stand up and i tell them to go away because i need to close shop. During my speech i never felt more calm and i had a small smile while my parents looked hurt.

As i’m closing shop i sense Spiros behind me and he hugs me saying how proud he was of me for telling them that. I found it weird since he wasn’t present when i spoke to my parents and he then says that he always hears everything.

Then i laugh and say “Yeah, you’re my guardian angel.” in a sarcastic tone but as i lock and turn to look at him he is dead serious and just stares at me.

“What?” I asked and he saying nothing as we hold hands and we walk away. As i walk to my apartment i have this strong urge to sleep which doesn’t make sense since it’s noon and i had to meet Samantha and the others but i want nothing more but to sleep. I tell to Spiros to wake me up at six thirty so i can have a quick shower and then go meet them. He says he will and then helps get under the covers. As he says good night i just close my eyes and i sigh as i smell the scent of madarin.

Then i wake up and i’m in real life and i smell mandarin because my aunt has shoved a mandarin in my nose to wake me up because i slept through my entire day and it was dark outside again. She told me that she yelled at me and blasted music and even shook me but nothing worked. She told me i was laughing and crying while i was asleep and even sleep talk but she didn’t know what i was saying since it wasn’t Greek or English. Then i asked her if it sounded German or Spanish and she admitted it was a mix of those two…weird…i don’t know German but i do know a little bit of Spanish not enough to communicate but i can understand a few words. Under other circumstances i’m a very light sleeper i wake up when i’m shaken or having music on but this time i didn’t…and honestly that dream was so real and so long that i really thought it was my reality. During my afternoon i couldn’t stop but feel energized and happy but at the same time i wanted to go back to that dream more than anything.

And that concludes two of the most vivid dreams I had. What are your theories on them? What could possibly those dreams mean in your opinion?

Thank you for reading my blog post, I hope you enjoyed it!

I look forward to your comments, please be kind, mean comments will get deleted!

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An Idea I Have For This Page.

Lately, i haven’t been active on here because of college, family, mental health and friends and even self discovery…of sorts.

Which i will explain very soon.

I started this page talking…writing about my life. And i wanted to keep using this page to talk about things that matter to me.

All of you who are reading are welcome to comment under my post sharing your views on things i’m talking/writing about, give advice and such. As i originally had planned.

But now i’m gonna add a new topic. My dreams.

Not the hopes and dreams i have…well maybe i don’t know…

But the dreams i see in my sleep. I have been told many times my dreams are too big and too weird so i thought it would be entertaining to write them somewhere people will read and have fun reading them. And again you are all welcome to comment under them your thoughts on what it could mean or how weird it is (just don’t be mean or else i’ll delete your comment.) and even share a similar one you had if you feel like it.

So? What do you guys say? Do you like that idea?

My Thoughts On Joining A Facebook Support Group Focusing on Depression and Anxiety and Mental Health.

So, hey guys! First and foremost Happy New Year! Secondly, I started writing this post while i was in that group and i was planning on writing about how much it improved my health…but then i felt like my blog post was sort of unfinished and soon enough aka couple months later something happened (read further down to know what) and changed my view on things.

I hope you enjoy it and not get offended, remember that is my opinion shaped by my experience!

A year ago i was feeling really low and i was struggling to keep a positive mind set when i decided to stalk for lack of better words my ex best friend on Facebook when a thought struck me;

“Why should i inflict pain in me from seeing how happy she is without me? Why instead of seeing someone else’s happiness why don’t i try to make myself happy?”

And like that i found myself searching for a Facebook Support Group.

I found one that was close (secret) group and i asked to join. They accepted me.

I found real support through it but i had to post many times in order to achieve them which meant i had to share my story in order to have support and to comment on posts, you know make my presence known.

After that during July a girl named Krystal asked me if i wanted to join the team meaning that i will either be a Head Admin, an Admin, Page Supervisor or Moderator. I was given the title of Moderator and of course i accepted.

I was so excited and anxious to help and make new friends that they can understand and relate with me.

So i said yes….and boarded the rollercoster ride…

For a couple months everything was perfect and i felt suported more than ever! I made new friends that i saw myself trusting because they were going through similar shit like i did and even at times worse.

I also learnt many things on how a team works and how it feels to have a support system you can fall back into and how it feels not having to defend yourself all the time because they were people who defended you also. That feeling was so great that i could get used to it.

Then the woman that suggested me to become a Moderator threw me under the bus by saying how i was stealing members for another support group…i didn’t even know the other group but another person dmed me with a link for a group and i didn’t know or could recall a rule of not being part of another support group…more support can do no harm i thought…

My my my!

I joined and i saw Krystal and some other people from the team and naively i thought

“Oh! Great! Familiar faces! Coo!”

Then i left my computer for a few hours because i needed to go to the bathroom and when i returned i was removed AND blocked!

I spent an entire night being completely sad and confused!

Then a Head Admin send me a message that said;

“Due to what we learnt regarding you we didn’t like it and thus we removed and blocked you indefinetly.”

I refused to believe that and take the accusation so i reached out to another Admin that we were close and i asked if she could ask around and learn why this happened.

But she didn’t manage so i decided to reach out to “the big guns” and i contacted the creator of the group and i learnt that Krystal threw me under the bus and i explain my case.

And i was back in.

I had deleted all the friends i had made through the group the night before in a way to make moving on easier.

I explained to all what happened and i told them i understood that they wouldn’t trust me.

Everything was okay regarding the video and my actual life in college got very busy and so i wasn’t that active in the group.

The we come to a few days ago i was told that i would be told that i will be removed from the team because i wasn’t very active…

BUT!

BUT!

But i had let them know on December 22nd that i would be very busy and i may or may not be able to be active on the group for a few days including December 27th.

And on December 27th i was to be removed due to not being so active for two days! TWO DAYS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

Besides when i was online and asking if they needed help they would ignore me of they would see that i’m working on a pending post and go right ahead approve it while i was trying to see if it’s fitted!

I contact the person that told me i would be removed and told her that i had let them know i would be busy and you know what they said?

“Okay, that’s really all i needed to know, you took it al from different places and put it in one place. It’s hard to keep up with everyone’s scheduales and all the changes that occur. I’m sure now that the holiday is almost past things will settle down. So do what you normally do and we’ll take it from there. Thanks for responding.”

Okay…

Again that message was sent to me from the Admin that when previously i was removed and blocked tried to help me…

Or did she?

From the moment i knew i had to solve it myself so i posted on Admin page and i told a piece of my mind aka that i had let them know i would be busy and if they really wanted to kick me out then they shall do it.

I never saw their answers because i closed Facebook and i went to do the dishes and put christmas lights on my room.

When i returned i was removed.

But not blocked.

Then i contacted the Head Admin that removed me and i told her that i had let them know and i thought it was unfair and that if it was about me saying that i was friend with a member that was removed a few weeks prior by her because what she did pissed her off wasn’t right to do it via the page because that was totally personal beef and her asnwer was this:

“Head Admins held a vote regarding this decision. I do apologise if you feel hurt in anyway. After new year let’s touch base, it is nothing personal hun. I have no beef with you at all.”

Um…so many people had problem with me.

Ouch.

Thank God i was busy and i am busy with real life but since i was just removed from the team and i’m still in the group it’s not all that bad and in the group they are far too many people who don’t know me but what i fear is that in order to post something it needs approval now and if it they don’t like me since they voted to remove me they could easily keep me from posting anything saying how i don’t follow the rules and then kick me out completely.

Thus my trust in them had vanished, i posted three times since then one testing if they will or won’t approve it and they did approve it. Then i wished them all Happy New Year and then i uploaded photos of my hometown being dressed in white because it snowed. But i don’t trust them with my inner thought anymore.

I didn’t trust them fully again back then when they blocked me and removed me the first time but now the trust i had in them, the little bit of it that had left, vanished.

I can’t seem to move past it and start posting again but here is where things get tricky…

I don’t know if all my post that i have made in the past which are too personal, i might add, will be deleted along with me or stay behind. If they stay behind i don’t want them to…but i can’t delete all of them because some of them was in the Admin page which i have no access in anymore.

I really want to leave and join another support group but i’m afraid that i might repeat history…

So i won’t for now. See how i can handle it.

Ever since i became a Moderator i had no time for writing i noticed maybe i will go back into it and be more active maybe get some people reviewing/commenting on my stories again.

But the saddest thing about this is that i trusted them and they left me…

No wonder i’m both in real life and digital life afraid to trust.

I am truly alone…

I have my family but because family sometimes becomes the problem and i can’t fullfil all my social needs with family it’s unhealthy and impossible.

So, yeah, we are back to square one having no support and looking into my hobbies to push the dark thoughts to the back of my mind.

What i learnt from all of this?

NEVER TRUST A SUPPORT GROUP.

You can’t know when you will be removed and blocked.

So better reach out for free counseling than join a Facebook support group for mental health.

Another flaw i noticed is how everyone even the supposedly team had no PhDs in Psychology yet they wanted to approve and disapprove post, who gave you the right? Huh? Also, you can’t tell which post are triggering and who are not for the rest of people because everyone has different triggers if something triggers you it might not trigger someone else! What triggers you must trigger the others isn’t a criteria to base what post will be published.

First rule of becoming better is ranting out and talking about your problems with raw words without worrying that you might trigger someone.

You weren’t allowed to do that in that group…pfffts and then they say “support group”.

Another flaw i saw is that the entire team had mental health problems some very serious and unfortunately you are not fitter to run a support group when every time you decided to run it you get overwhelmed and leave and leave the Admins and Head Admins and whatnot handle it and then you return and you demand to be respected and follow your rules and way of working since you’ve been gone for so long and there was another pace established.

You might have all the good intentions to create a safe free space for people with mental health but you have no right to judge what people can and can’t post because you, yourself are suffering from different mental health issues, and you can’t judge which post is fitting. I’m not saying that having mental health makes you unable to have choice. No! I’m saying that having mental health issues and running a mental health support group is a big no no beause you are not in the right headspace to judge what post are appropoited and which are not.

I also i’m not saying that having a PhD does but it helps you because YOU ARE A DOCTOR and you can distinguish when and which post may or may not be okay to let other people with mental healths see or read.

I found this way of working very flawed because even though i approved and disaprroved/deleted posts i felt like i was muting people’s thoughts and i felt very guilty.

So, yeah you are safer reach out to an actual real life support group or free counsiling than digital one.

And again remember that this is my opinion and it might differ than yours and i respect that. So, don’t be mean in the comments when you read, if you do.

Anyhow, happy new years and i will make a post in a few days about how i feel about 2018 and what i look forword in 2019.

If you are interested to read my stores check them out in the following links:

Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/Vicky1599

Fanfiction.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/~vickytzalachani

But if you also want to check my photography follow me on Instagram:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vickytzalachani/?hl=el

As for my following social media:

Quora: https://www.quora.com/profile/Vasiliki-Tzalachani

Pinterest: https://gr.pinterest.com/tzalachani/

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcxyLCt6XQzFl38E18R2YWw?view_as=subscriber

Tumblr: http://fandom-girl-99.tumblr.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/TVDvicky

Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/user/fanfictionmusiclover

This Blog: https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/

And that is the end! Bye!!!

Even more tired but now you can add hopeless to the mix…awesome!

Since no one gives a shit about what i write here or anywhere really i’m going to say it…

I AM TIRED OF LIVING THIS LIFE!

SO FUCKING OVER IT!

I DISAPOINT EVERYONE.

I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE NOT EVEN MY OWN FUCKING BODY!

I JUST WANT TO DIE AND BE DONE WITH IT!

I MEAN COME ON I’M 19 GOING 20 AND I HAVE ACCOMPLISH ZERO STUFF….OTHER PEOPLE ARE LIKE BILLIONAIRES AND I’M JUST SITTING HERE TYPING THIS SHIT!

I’M DONE TRYING TO BE A CARING GOOD FRIEND SINCE I WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF LIKE 1000000000 TIMES 10 IN GOGLEPLEX PERCENT SURE.

I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER/SISTER/NIECE AND ALL THAT SHIT SINCE I WON’T BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.

I’M DONE TRYING TO BE HELPFUL TO PEOPLE IN THE FACEBOOK SUPPORT GROUP ABOUT DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY (A WHOLE DIFFERENT POST I’M STILL WORKING ON IT) I BECAME A MODARATOR IN SINCE I LOST TWO DAYS BECAUSE MY PHONE IS BROKEN AND I WAS TRYING TO BE A GOOD SISTER/HOSTESS AND DAUGHTER THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS TRYING TO BE PRESENT AND ALL THAT SHIT!

AND WHAT I GOT?

NADA!

I’M ONLY TIRED! I JUST WANT TO FALL ASLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP…OR WHEN I WILL WAKE UP TO FEEL RESTED.

THAN YOU CAN ADD SCHOOL TO THAT MIX AND THE TWO MOVIES I NEED TO GIVE IN FEBUARY AND I HAVEN’T FINISHED ANY BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE TIME!

SO THIS YEAR OF 2019 I WON’T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE IT….BECAUSE I WILL GIVE UP FIGHTING AND MAYBE KILL MYSELF IF I DON’T DIE BY SOME OTHER WAY…BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK AND THOSE WHO DO GIVE A FUCK THEY HAVE TO BECAUSE WE ARE BIOLOGICALLY LINKED IF WE WEREN’T I WOULD BE COMPLETELY ALONE.

SEE YA NEVER!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Friend Hierarchy? What?

Okay, i have been wrecking my brain to come up with a next blog post topic but every time i think of something then i change my mind and then college and other life stuff get in the way. Until right now…enjoy the blog post!

So, today is my friend’s Mhnas pronnounced “Minas” birthday and i just wished him on Facebook.

That got me thinking about conversation i had with him couple months ago…

But first i need you to learn about my friends;

I, Mhnas and my friend Maria 1 have been together since High school then you can add to our little group our friends Christina, Theodora, Zorzet, Dimitra, Elsa, Panayiota and Dimitris. Those are the only people that sticked around after we graduated…or to be more preciese we kept in touch.

Dimitra and Elsa we stopped talking because our roads divided and i’m okay with it.

Panayiota, i met her last year, i knew of her and i haven’t been around her much but she is very good girl and she is best friends with Theodora, Christina and Dimitris since they were in diapers.

I met Christina through Theodora and she was going to the same school as my cousins so i had seen her around a lot but we only started talking after Theodora arranged a get together after the Final Exams back when i was in my second year of Senior High School and from that day on we became great friends.

I met Theodora through school and Dimitra because we were hanging all of us in a group with other people i haven’t named yet. And we sticked around because we have fun when we get together and she is a very kind girl!

I met Mhnas in the 3rd year of Junior High School and he apprached me and asked me if i wanted to come with him and join his group since i was the new girl, from them on we shared our passion about TV shows and movies other kids didn’t know. That resulted during High School to attend Comic Con and Anime Con that had happened in my now college town. He had became one of my best friends and the only boy i allowed to physically come close to me without me going into a defense mode….meaning i wasn’t afraid of him…it was very hard for me to do that and it took me three years to manage to be within one or two feet away from me and me not going into an anxiety attack or have very bad flashbacks…

I met Maria 1 in High School the first year and her then best friend Antonia we hang out a lot because they were girls that understood how hard life can be, Maria, had moved many times because her home got robbed. Antonia had lost her eldest brother and both of them were bullied a lot in school plus Maria’s positive attitude made me forget my struggles with depression and anxiety. Her behavior taught me how to act like a teenager plus we had great conversations.

I met Maria 1’s cousin Eva through Dimitra because she was hanging out with us and honestly Eva has been the most stable person in my life, i know i can tell her things i normally don’t tell to everyone and she seems to be very cool person. I still hang out with her and we used to go to the same college but she graduated last year.

I met Nicole the first day of Senior High School i was suffering an anxiety attack because i feared and i was hell-bent sure that i would be alone here this year too when Nicole, Eva and another girl i knew from the 3rd Year of Junior High named also Maria approached me and sat by my side on the bench and asked my name. Nicole became the girl that i knew she can understand how difficult it is to move on from abuse, she is a survivor of domestic abuse and she was bullied yet she knew how awesome she was. She always helped me calm down whenever i would experience a flashback triggered either by a sound or smell. She had found me once crying in the bathroom because my paternal grandma had just died and she had hugged me until i stopped crying.

I met Maria 2 in the 3rd Junior Year because the teachers introduced me to her because she was bullied at school and they thought me being a surivor of bullying could help her…i couldn’t but we became friends, her friendship helped me understand the signs of depression after seeing them on her and then i spot them on me too. I started researching about Depression firstly in order to help her but i couldn’t help her and me at the same time so we stopped…no, i stopped hanging out with her and worked on myself and on the first day of Senior High we reconnected and we are still in touch.

I met Elsa the second half of my first year of Senior High school, she was the new girl and one year older than me and old best friend of Maria 1 and we were seated next to each other and we became very good friends, we also shared same day birthday. Then i started wittnessing things like marks on her hands and stuff like that soon enough i uncovered that she was suffering domestic abuse at home and whenever she would break with guys she would self harm….i had tried many many times to help her but she didn’t want me to take action she just wanted me to listen to her, be the only person who knew and i became that…now we don’t speak because i have tried to arrange to meet many times these past two years but she always cancels and in general our common interests stopped existing after graduation.

I met Dimitra through Nicole the first day of Senior High, both her and Nicole were in their second year of senior high and i stucked around because they enterntained me with how loud they were. I never really learnt much about Dimitran not like i did with the rest of the group, it took me 8 months to tell her anything about myself other than my last name something about her demenor didn’t allow me to trust her…she seemed…too far away…like she didn’t care about any of us and that she was keeping us around just so she wouldn’t be alone during school hours. Then during my second year and third year for her i found myself in her inner circle for some reason…i was invited to clubs and bbqs at her house. The only thing i did was being honest with her and not being afraid to tell her when she was wrong unlike Nicole and Eva did. I never hid my displeasure or my concern when it came to Dimitra’s behavior. That continued for one more year until i graduated and started college…Dimtra got pregnant and married and somehow i felt that i couldn’t keep up with her life, we were in complete different stages of life and like that our connection was lost. Of course during our…friendship she never could relate with things i liked or the things i went through so whenever i was around her i put a brave face on and tried to talk about my problems less to the point i wasn’t speaking at all even if i did it was regarding something someone did in the group and nothing about myself.

I met Zorzet when i was sitting the Pan-Helenic Exams and we met through Maria 1, they were good friends, and i instantly liked her, something connected us. It was our love for instrumental music and writing that made us talk about books and brainstorm ideas for hours. Last year Maria 1 and her became best friends and somehow i found myself talking with them every day and even multiple times a day. Soon i realized that those two became my best friends. Zorzet and i we talk all the time on the phone and Maria 1 calls more frequently than occasionally and those two help me deal with my anxiety and depression by being the light in the darkness, meaning when i’m sad i know i can call them and they will make me smile.

Now that you know the background of my friends let’s go back to Mhnas.

Mhnas and Maria 1 were great friends during High Shcool but lost touch so i arrange a rainy weekend of October to get together for hot chocolate for them to catch up. I was smiling all the time when i realized something…Mhnas was talking about things he didn’t with me aka about girls.

During the last two years Mhnas, Christina, Theodora, Panayota and Dimitris have become a tight group and i only get invited when they want me and whenever i go out with them i feel left out because they talk about people and things i know nothing about…i get emotionally tired whenever i visit them…i feel such a crap of a friend when that happens.

That same feeling returned when i arranged the reunion between Mihnas and Maria 1…i felt like if i stood up and went to the bartender paid for my hot chocolate and i walked out of the coffee shop they wouldn’t even realize i was gone until it was time to go. I came very close into making my daydream a reality when Maria 1 asked us if we wanted to walk around a bit before she had to catch the bus back home and we did just than.

During our stroll Mhnas and Maria 1 acted like i wasn’t there they didn’t even allowed me to speak…i spent hours daydreaming many things and doing a little bit of landscape photography completely giving up on trying to keep up with them. I started walking a few feet away from them with my headphones on and i marvelled the rainy pavements we walked on.

The time came when Maria 1 had to leave and i was left alone with Mhnas and right then and there witnessed how Mhnas’ behavior changes when we were alone and when we were surrounded by friends. He went from cheery and joking to calm and collected person and it was downright awkward for a few minutes…i swear to God i could cut the awkward with a knife if i had one with me…

I remembered back then Christina’s question if i knew if Mhnas liked any girl and my answer was a negative one, Mhnas, never talked about girls around me.

Then i proceeded to ask him the question Maria 1 and Christina failed finding an answer to.

“Why don’t you speak about girls with me? Have you talked with Christina about such topic?”

I know it might have been not my right to ask him but come on! I knew him longer than he knew Christina and Maria 1 combined!

His answer was like a stab.

“I don’t trust you in order to talk to you about girls unlike Maria 1 and Christina whom i trust far more than i do when it comes to you.”

Fuck!

What the fuck?

I felt in that moment like shit…i trusted him and he doesn’t. I laughed at that moment but my prespective of him forever changed. He was no longer my best friend in my mind.

When we met Theodora a few minutes later Mhnas went back to being the cheery and joking person but i could see through his facade.

I felt horrible…i felt betrayed and i wonder what i did to him in order not to trust me…i run with my mind all the times we were together and all the times all those girls said how weird Mhnas was and how i had defended his honor by saying that he was fun and nice guy…

I felt alone.

Ironically, a few hours before i learnt about where his trust laid, i had told my mother how greatful i was to have Mhnas as my friend…

I didn’t know and still don’t know how to process what Mhnas told me….

Mhnas keeps inviting me out and to get togethers but health problems and college hasn’t given me the opportunity to meet him and the rest of the group. But recently i suffered a very bad migrane that resulted in me fainting for 13 minutes and when i came around i saw blood on my nose and i had to go to the Neurologist and she sent me for MRI and other head related tests it took me a week to get them done and during that period he invited me to a get together but because i was in the bus towards our hometown and it was late and i had a headache i told him no. The second time he invited me i arrived late and he was gone.

When i told him about my migrane and the doctor’s appointment he acted very ignorant…he said a “yeah okay” similar answer Maria 1 gave me when i told her about it a day after i suffered it. In contrast when i told Zorzet of my episode she grilled me for details and she got geniunely worried unlike Mhnas and Maria 1.

I made peace with Maria 1’s behavior because that is her character, she is ignorant about many things Zorzet and i take seriously and Zorzet can be ignorant about things i’m passionate and take very seriously, it’s what makes us different from one another and i learnt to be okay with it…yes it pisses me off at times but i can’t force people to care about things they don’t.

It wounded me though when it was regard my health…i started re-thinking my friendship with Mhnas and Maria 1.

I still do.

Maria 1 keeps in contact because i’m free to talk to her when she want someone to ramble on about clothes, hair and boys…she doesn’t really care about me…

Mhnas…i don’t know…i really don’t know why he keeps me around….is it because he pities me or because when we get together i provide them with contain to laugh about with the rest of the group behind my back?

Maybe.

Actually now that i re-think my behavior around them i can easily be a laughing stock with my uptightness and my not so sharing personality.

I found pointless to share with them my life in college because it’s boring, i’m going to class and back home where i cook, i clean and go grocery shopping then i sit with a warm plate of food and i watch my tv shows then i will have a bath and continue my tv shows then i will study and then fall asleep. Wake up and repeat. I mean fascinating stuff!

While their lives seems far more interesting to be honest, i have two weeks or one week to see them and their entire world has been turn upside down either their met or break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend and/or had reconnected with some old flame/friend.

Or they will continue talking about their lives with codes and inside jokes that i don’t get and i will feel even more excluded, far away apart and alone.

The previous sentance sounds like a lyric from a song…hahahaha.

Mhnas doesn’t share my interest in writing or suffers from mental health issues in order to be able to share my troubles with him i tried once to share my struggle and he called me “dumb”, “stupid” and “an idiot” downride rude! As if the voices in my head don’t already call me these things every single day…

After that attempt i stopped trying to make him understand my mental health issues….imagine if i had attempted into telling him about my past…ha! that would have been interesting to watch but i suspect it would have hurt beyond imagination.

I don’t know what to do when it comes to Mhnas…does he deserve to be included in my real life friend list? Because every time i go out with him and the rest of the group i feel the gap between us growing.

I get darker and he gets…not brighter exactly…but i get to know him less and less every time. 

Sometimes i sit in the back watch them, watch him, interact with each other and i wonder why am i in his life? What purpose do i serve? Am i the type of life he wants to remind himself not to end up in? How the hell does he know what or how my life is? He hasn’t even scratch the surface of it in six years i know him…

I thought by here i would have managed to figure out a solution in this problem but i haven’t.

 So, has anyone lived a similar situation? What did you do? If you want share down below! Have a nice day everyone!

Daydreamer

Your Words Matter

Hello, world! This post has been on my mind for a couple of days and i thought i should write it and never forget it! EVER!

My Aunt Lena, my mum’s and aunt Elena’s cousin, was staying with us because she goes through finalizing her divorce.

My Aunt Lena has also weird dreams like me so i tried to start a conversation with her about dreams while my mum was listening in while being on her laptop but she soon joined the conversation and then my Aunt Elena did too.

Very soon once my mum entered the conversation they started interupting me while i talked and once Aunt Elena joined they didn’t just interupt me but they changed topic while doing in so!

It pissed me off!

They were doing this the entire time! Whenever i try to say something that is just longer than one word or one sentance!

So, i blew up and yelled at them asking for a reason why they keep doing this!

My mum said and i quote:

“Because what you say it’s too long.”

My aunt Elena said:

“Because your dreams are too big and we get bored”

Then my mum said again:

“Besides, when people interupt you while you talk is because they lost interest in what you were saying.”

It hurt me when they said those things. It was like they said my words don’t matter to them! I cried that night myself to sleep after i wrote in my diary what happened. And i had decided to stop talking to them and writing all together.

Yesterday, though i realized that what they said it’s not true!

My words matter maybe not to my family but to someone somewhere either in the future or present. That thought made me refuse to give up talking or writing,

So, everyone remember that your words matter! Don’t let anyone tell you the opposite!

An occurance that has been going on for over many years yet when i finally confronted them their words hurt me and made me question my right to have a voice! So, don’t let anyone silence you down! Your voice is your voice and you have every right to use it!

Until next time!!!

I’m Tired

Things are getting deep and negative, be aware of that fact!

Not that anyone reads this blog…

I’m so tired waking up every day and my first thought to be that i’m tired and that i want everyone and everything to fade away.

I’m tired of watching the disappointed looks on my parents and aunt’s faces.

I’m tired of hearing my sister’s mocking remarks.

I’m tired of hearing my mum’s disappointed remarks.

I’m tired of hearing that i do nothing in the house.

I’m tired of knowing that my best attempts are not enough.

I’m not enough.

My mum a month or so ago told me that i’m projecting things. Meaning that i see a situation and my mind instantly tries to find a situation in my life and mirror it to the said situation. Thus my feelings regarded that situation are not real or aren’t correct.

Emotions aren’t correct.

Bitch what the fuck?

Now this morning i hadn’t had more than 30 minutes i woke up and i was trying…key word trying…to have some sort of breakfast…my mother decided it was a great time to talk to me about how i have two sides to myself…

The one side that i’m passionate for things i like and i’m capable to pay attention to the last detail yet those things i’m passionate about aren’t important thus my excitement is wrongfully invested in those activities.

And the other side that when it comes to do things that are important to everyday life i’m a lazy ass. I don’t pay attention to the detail and if i don’t die from the dirt around me i won’t clean or do the dishes.

So in other words she told me once again i do nothing around the house.

But because i’m tired of doing what i always thought to be a safest and quickest route out of these conversations, which is keep my mouth shut, nod, agree, apologize and promise to try my absolute best next time, instead i yelled at her and my sister who she was sitting with us and agreed.

I told them that i can’t sleep at night and i have to pace back forth in the room which isn’t my own because in their house i have no room or bed to call my own…not that i do anywhere really…and i end up always exhausting myself around 4 or 5 am which make me wake up at 12:50 pm after not so restful 8 hours sleep.

They nodded and said that they understand but that is no excuse!

I DON’T HAVE MY OWN SPACE TO REST! AND I’M FORCED TO MAKE DO WITH WHAT I HAVE! IN MY COLLEGE TOWN I LIVE IN MY AUNT’S HOUSE WHERE DURING THE WEEK DAYS I SLEEP IN HER BED AND IN THE WEEKEND I HAVE TO EITHER RETURN TO MY MUM’S HOMETOWN WHERE I SLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM OR MOVE TO A SMALL ROOM WHERE IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A STORAGE ROOM THAN A BEDROOM!

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A PEACEFUL NIGHT OF SLEEP WHEN I KNOW THAT THE MOMENT THE CLOCK STRIKES 7 AM MY DAD OR ANYONE REALLY WILL WAKE UP AND START DOING THINGS AND NOISE AROUND THE HOUSE WITH NO REGARD FOR THOSE WHO SLEEP!

OH! AND I’M NOT ALLOWED TO CLOSE THE DOOR BECAUSE I STOP THE CIRCULATION OF AIR AROUND THE HOUSE!!!

Then the have the audacity to say that i don’t do nothing in the house and i’m always with a frown in my face and a bored expression.

They expect me to be cheery (Hollywood style) in the morning!

How the fuck would i do that when at night i have to fight my anxiety for what i did wrong the day that past and what mistakes i would possible do the next day! And the voice in my head that tells me i’m a nothing and that i should kill myself?

That i don’t see anything past my phone/computer….i notice pretty much everything but i’m so tired to do anything about it and if i do they are going to say how my way of dealing with it is wrong so in order save their time from yelling at me, i let them do it themselves (as if) the way they want to be done. Problem solved.

I’m tired of knowing that i would forever be the girl who trusted her ex best friend yet she used her kind nature and manipulated her by playing with her trust and then once i wasn’t in the same town she started withdrawing from me and not calling me back.

And now she starts talking to me again because she fought with her “true” best friends and she has no one and she feels alone. I’m like a fucking back up friend! AND STILL I SPOKE TO HER KINDLY AND I’M POLITE TOWARDS HER.

Because i believe that being kind i’m being the bigger person.

Of course i always thought that she was a smart girl but after i read her answer when i asked her flat out why she never picked the goddamn phone to call me i started questioning my belief.

Her answer was that because she was young she didn’t know where her head was at.

After i read that answer i knew two things; 1 her mental maturity is really really low and 2 she was lying to me and the true answer was that she started feeling that our friendship was done.

How can you be “young” and “not knowing where your head is at” when you are sixteen? At sixteen i could easily sustaine myself without my parents!

It angers me sometimes when she uses excuses her age! I would prefer if she had told me something along the lines of;

“Look, Vicky, i was bored to call you because you had nothing interesting to say and in all honesty our similarities ended when you moved away.”

That would have been the answer i would be like;

“Okay. Thanks for not leaving me alone during school days. It was nice knowing ya, i hope you have a great life. Bye.”

Instead she used that lame excuse thinking i’m so naive that i would think it was true!

I’m so tired of when i think i can trust my parents because they say they heard me and understand me the next day or even hour i’m proven wrong…that i can’t trust them or they don’t understand me.

I feel like i’ve been tricked. Manipulated.

And once i digest the fact that i might have been manipulated by both my parents, my aunt, my sister and my ex best friend i start questioning… Am i really smart? A smart person wouldn’t stay and get manipulated by these people, right?

I’m tired of dragging this baggage of being a disappointment.

I sometimes think that my sister is their dream child and i was just the prototype that went through test run and it broke….

The truth is that

I’m weak

I’m naive

I’m not smart otherwise i would have found a way out

I will never be enough for anyone.

And at last knowing all my flaws, being aware of them, i think that i will never be in an emotional position to allow anyone to love me, be a potential love interest, because i won’t be able to see past my flaws and accept theirs…

I used to say to myself that i will work on my issues and fix them AND THEN focus on relationships but i’m deep into my 19 years of life and everyone around me have already fallen in love, had their first time sex and even some got married and now have their first child!

And i’m here in front of the computer typing this blog post….

I’m so tired of being reminder all these facts by just looking at the mirror or my family’s faces.

If anyone read this; thank you and i hope i didn’t bring your mentality down. 

Bye.

Weight = Low Self-Esteem…or is it just my parents?

It’s about to get heavy in here so…TRIGGER WARNING FOR EVERYTHING!!!!

Okay, how i should start this..oh yeah, like that!

Let’s go to the past, shall we?

Once upon a time, (15 years ago) i was a child who wasn’t fat, i was very very thin that i was told by my grandmas to eat more.

When i became ten years old my maternal grandma started to make comments that i’m getting fat and that i should eat less.

At the age of 12 my parents started making the same comments as my maternal grandma.

My paternal grandma wasn’t saying anything harmful she always allowed me to eat as much as i wanted and said nothing and whenever she would see me cry she would ask me what is wrong. She never ever until she died said anything bad about me unlike the rest of my family including my sister to those people. She was always so kind and supportive even thought close to the end she had started to forget things but i didn’t care. I always got angry at my dad’s and my mum’s behavior towards her whenever she would buy too much food, start cooking way too early in the morning or forget things or fall asleep in the bathroom. I remember how happy she was when dad bought her an MP3 player and she started listening to her songs, she would sing along and she would dance whiling sitting down, her smile during those times was like i could see my grandma’s much younger self-shining through, the self i saw in the portrait of her wedding day. But she died and i couldn’t say goodbye to her.

Now come to think of it i never had a chance to say goodbye to no one…not my grandpas, not my grandmas, not my grand-uncles and grand-aunts…no one…

Anyway, back to the point.

At the age of 13 i fell in love with mayonnaise and sandwiches…dad and mum kept yelling at me; “Don’t eat that! You’ll get fat!”.

At the age of 14 i had gained weight.

At 16 i gained more weight.

At 17 i gained more weight…the same year i was diagnosed with Hashimoto Thyroid and i was told i would get pills to balance it…my doctor told me that was the reason why i gain weight.

Then i told her about my depression and my eating habit of mayonnaise and she smiled, she asked me if i had friends during the examination and i told her no…i don’t trust people i told her…i used to have three best friends, Angela, Nicky and Polly but they are gone now. I never really shared my true self with them…i was too mature for them..well in all honesty i believe i liked to suffer in the dark where no one would judge me or lie to me so i pushed them away or focused too much on them that they felt as if i was suffocating them…mothering them.

I could see in her eyes how sad she was by listening to my words but didn’t say anything.

I guess people who care too much end up numbing themselves because the world gets too offensive when people show that they care a great deal about someone or something.

At 18 i got diagnosed with Osteoarthritis Chondropathy…or too be more precise… i have been suffering from osteoarthritis Chondropathy ever since i was 5 and started getting too much height…I remember when i was kid i would complain about knee pains and joints pain constantly but my parents were like “Oh! You are getting taller! Don’t worry, drink some milk, honey!” or they would yell “Oh! Stop complaining! Everyone hurts some place but we are not complaining! Now shut up!”.

I always used to think that feeling my own knees being dislocated and put back into their place while walking or running was normal or that waking up in terrible pain at night to the point i would have to bite my lips until they bled so i won’t cry out and wake everyone up was normal or that whenever i would try to change position in my sleep my knees would get dislocated and i would have to put them back in the morning or i would wake up not feeling my legs from the knees down so i would have to hit them…punch them in order to bring the feeling of them being part of my skeleton back was normal. That falling while there was nothing that should have caused me to fall was normal or walking and then suddenly i have no control of my legs and not feeling them AT ALL was normal!

Then at 7 mum got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease…i thing was Lupus stage 2…but i might be wrong i was too young to understand them and mum doesn’t like to talk about it…and i stopped paying attention to my pains and tried to be a good daughter…

At 7,5 years old i overheard my mum’s physician tell my dad and his mum that they should get me checked for the same illness as my mum when i become 18 years old.

My dad had laughed at that and said there was no need…i was just too tall for my age.

I never saw that physician again but at 18 i was diagnosed with something similar drawn from my mum’s and dad’s genetics…great!

When the doctor asked me why i was in his office and i told him about the incident of i had three night ago when i woke up at 2 am and i couldn’t feel anything from the waist down i had to drag myself out of bed to the kitchen while i’m on the floor to tell to my parents what is going on…i told him that in the morning of that day i was walking down some stairs and i lost the feeling of my legs and i fell on top of an elderly man who volunteered to drive me to the hospital but i refused i asked him to get me to sit down and leave me to regain sense of my legs. I told him about the constant knee pains, the waking up in the middle of the night crying from the pain, the dislocation and putting my knees back while walking or sleeping.

The doctor looked beyond shocked and mortified and then asked my dad “Where were you and your wife, sir when all these was taking place?” and my dad laughed anxious “She is a dramatic kid we thought she was magnifying the pains to gain attention.”

I had looked at my dad with such shock while inside of me i was boiling with rage!

Then the doctor asked me if i could tell him from scale 1 to 10 the pain i felt every night. I told him that i couldn’t count it because for me was now was part of my life i was so used to it that i had stopped feeling the pain at the age of 15 but i remember the pain when i first felt it or when i first dislocated my knees while walking. He told me to tell him…i looked at him straight in the eyes and said 25…the pain was 25 from scale 1 to 10…a pain i would never wish on anyone no matter what they have done in life.

My dad all throughout this was looking at the window behind the doctor or at my knees i could read his…aura if i might say…because his face was unreadable…he was thinking i was lying and that i was dramatic.

I felt such defeat in that moment. I felt dirty and that i should cut my legs off. I felt guilt that now my dad has to think about the money and pay for my medicine or surgery or whatever the doctor would say.

Then when we walked out of the doctor’s office my dad turn to me and said; “Told you that you shouldn’t eat that much, look what your weight do to you. It’s all your fault if you hadn’t had such weight you would be a pretty lady. Not a fat one.”

Geez! Dad! Thanks for the support!

I spend three months learning how to walk again on my own with no one to help me…dad went on a walk with me the first day but after that he was too busy, my aunt came some time but she was walking too fast for me and whenever i would ask her to slow down she would tell me that i was being too easy on myself and by doing that i wouldn’t get better.

The second visit to the doctor he told me i would have to lose weight i would be seated in a wheel-chair at 25 and at 30 i would have to have a knee reconstructive surgery…

My own knees were becoming more and more dust every time i walked! He told me i should stop dancing, jumping, running, climbing stairs, sitting Indian style, walking, riding my bike, playing any sport what so ever and if i wanted to swim i should be careful and not too deep into the sea.

So pretty much i shouldn’t do anything of what i liked or would help me to lose weight!

My parents kept saying that i’m getting fat.

At least three times a day.

Whenever i would complain about my knees pain they would say it’s because i’m fat.

They would tell me to go out and walk around the block and whenever i would tell them that the doctor forbid it they would look at me with “i know better” look or with a “Don’t use him as an excuse to be lazy” look.

Then mum would yell at me for not being supportive and understanding of her illness and disability to walk or do any chores in the house!

That is still going on! Although i’m feeling much better, two years later, mind you my parents and aunt still say i’m fat.

Which gets me to my next subject i wanted to add in this post;

I was around 17 when i was sitting with my mum in the kitchen while some friend of hers was in our house, i was sitting with them only because mum used to ask me to bring her things because she couldn’t walk…not that i cared about the guest…i was writing a chapter on my laptop when the guest ask me if i’m texting on Facebook to my boyfriend and that is why i’m typing so furiously…no i wasn’t…i was typing a fight scene and then a death scene…i looked at her without stopping typing and laughed saying that i had no boyfriend.

Then mum said; “Of course she wouldn’t…i don’t expect that from her…besides she doesn’t have a style to attract the male’s attention, she has no style or the body. She’s fat.”

My mum’s friend smiled at me and went back to smoking but asked me what i was typing. I explained to her shortly that i was writing a story about this girl who fights in parallel worlds in order to keep the balance of the multiverse which was a theory my heroines’ great great grandpa came up with in 1920s and her grandpa proved right in 1950s by shoving his son, my heroines’ dad, through a portal along with himself making them get stranded in a parallel world where her dad was raised and she was born into.

Then she asked me if i wrote that story in Greek and i told her that it was in English. She looked impressed at me and then asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up…i told her i wanted to either direct a movie or write a book but if i didn’t manage that i would love to teach at a University about History or Psychology or Anthropology. Or i would like to write a book where i could tell what was historically going on globally during each year from the moment the humans started civilisations up to whatever technological advances would happen while i’m an adult.

She looked even more impressed and then looked at my mum and praised me but mum just mumbled a “yep” without caring. My mum’s friend asked me if i plan to marry and i said that if i found the right person otherwise i would gladly be a single mum…and even adopt kids or use a sperm donor…needless to say my mum and her friend choked on their cigarettes with my answer but i didn’t care.

Then mum’s friend asked me what i meant by “person” and i smiled and said it could either be a man or a woman i have no problem love is love. I could see my mum’s eyes glaring at me while her friend laughed and said that she wished me all i ever want in life to come true and that i should sent her a wedding invite no matter the gender of my spouse to be. And that being smart is more attractive than being a plastic Barbie she had learnt that from her two marriages, the second one being almost loveless after twenty years and a child.

That day i had low-key came out to my mum but i didn’t see it as a big deal.

After that mum didn’t ask me about boys or girls never! Up until my sister started teasing me for being a 18-year-old virgin in all bases and having no crushes.

She told me that i should start paying more attention to people around me and not my phone or the book i was at the time reading that maybe if i raised my head up from those things i might catch a boy’s attention.

I felt angry and i said i didn’t care about love.

Then again she never asked about my love life until about a month ago…it was after lunch when i was about to start gathering the dishes when my sister asked me why i haven’t fallen in love yet…she is constantly in love with several boys…i swear she is the complete opposite of me in that and many other areas!

I told her that i don’t believe in love. But in all honesty i don’t believe i deserve love. That someone could love me accepting all my flaws and my fat body….that someone would say to his friends or her friends how much in love they are with me even though i’m fat.

My sister then pressed on not believe that i have never fallen in love or that a boy never confessed his undying love…well there was one in 5th grade but who counts him…it lasted 3 days and then he started bullying me for breaking up with him…i felt uncomfortable…trapped you might say knowing that i had a boyfriend.

So i got defensive i told her to look at her life and not mine that i’m no example and that she should be more focused on resting and gathering her strength for the upcoming school year.

Mum then said that i shouldn’t be mean to my sister and that i should stop being cold…well she told me to stop being icy bitch…I wish i was Killer Frost maybe then i could have use my sarcasm to give both of them a piece of my mind but sadly i’m not!

Then continued saying how i don’t dress properly and that if i started finding clothes that fit my figure i might find admirers or that if i took a better care of myself that then people might start noticing me.

WOW! Thanks mum for telling me how unnoticeable i am! I really needed that! Thanks!

All this time my sister had a smug look on her face while my mum had a “i’m older and wiser than you so listen” look.

I felt attacked. I felt as if i was backed to a corner and repeatedly punched.

Then came the six little words, mum said;

“Then maybe you could finally be beautiful.”

She then started to say that i had a great chest and i should flaunt it more by stop wearing shirts that are in a form of t-shirt. That i should start exercising in order to lose weight. That i should wear makeup and that i should make sure my hair are either red or dark brown not both colors at the same time because i look like a Gypsy…

She said that i should clean my face from black spots and make sure my nails both in my hands and feet are perfect…that i should shave “down there” just in case…

While telling me all these things i could only hear my own mother telling me that i’m not beautiful and that i’m not enough for a man or a woman to love me as i am with my extra pounds and the black spots on my face, with my Gypsy hair and my hairy legs..and arms…not armpits…arms!

That moment i wanted to crawl in dark hole and cry maybe die but as i was able to excuse myself i went into my room and i had this raging will to prove my parents wrong…to show them that brains matter more that beauty, that i would be happier if i ever find someone i could have intellectual conversation with! Someone who can fangirl/fanboy with me over TV shows, books, fanfictions, movies and dream about space travel. Someone i can debate about time travel and other theories with! With someone who when i want to cry would hold me and say that everything will be alright. With someone who would defend me in front of my parents’ attacks.

But i knew that was impossible so i had another raging will…i wanted to come up with a a theory and prove it right or invent something that would make the world better and then force them sit through my presentation and the praises from other professors and inventors! I wanted to show them that i am a badass!

But that will faded a second later when i looked myself on the mirror…who would want that…who would want me?

That night i tried to exhaust myself walking around the house in order to chase the thought of suicide out of my head. In my mind there was this war that half of my mind told me to end it all while the other one told me to hold on and that things are getting better and there was another part of me that said that i should hold on but for now let’s hurt myself a little bit…

So i went to the bathroom and…and i scratch myself…i turned my pimples on my arm and body into bleeding holes and i scratched my sunburn to the point it bled and i couldn’t stop it. The next day i woke up and my shirt was full of bloody spots…and so where my bed sheets. No one cared.

I’ve been doing this my whole life minus the walking around the house during the night…that is new…like a year old habit…new.

Let’s go to today…

A few hours ago as i’m writing this my mum asked me to make a salad and put her and dad a plate of lunch and as i was cutting the salad dad showed up and asked me if i joined them. When i told him i wasn’t hungry he told me that was good and that i shouldn’t eat maybe that way i will lose weight.

But listening to that made me angry so just from anger i joined them for lunch!

Then four hours ago i was walking around the house while listening to music trying to come up with a plot for a requested fanfiction when i noticed that i revert back to walking/limping like i used to do and that i grew more tired when i walked barefoot that with my sleepers on. When i foolishly went to tell my dad of my findings my dad told me that it was because i gained weight. And that he had photos of me to prove it.

He always does it! The same fucking thing!

I know that a reason i suffered the knee pains on my own for so long was because i feared the fat comments from my parents!

And as i was thinking about that theory i came up across another realization…i started not being able to sleep at night because of the anxiety of the next day…of me being again a target of fat comments from my parents. It’s manageable when i’m in my college town where i can skip calling them so i won’t have to hear them telling me to be careful of what i eat and that i should start weighting myself every day and keeping a score.

I understand the need of me to lose weight for my knees but with no support system is really hard! Plus stress cause us to gain weight too either my eating more or some chemical imbalance but my parents don’t seem to care that their comments are making me anxious!

But there are times where their comments make me want to kill myself just so i can get away from them. If only there was a way to fake your death and wake up in a parallel world where you have supportive parents, friends and everything else you desire.

The sentence above is always the last thing i think about every night before sleep take over and the first thing i think about when i’m waking up.

Sleep!

Oh! My dad and mum’s least favorite thing! They won’t stop complaining about how much i’m sleeping! Of course they are unaware of why i’m managing to fall asleep at least at 4 am…they think it’s the computer or my phone…nope! It’s them! At night when everyone is asleep is the only time i have for myself…the only time of the day where i can cry without fear of being seen and then mocked by them. The only time when i can let my imagination work without interruption and honestly i have come up with many great stories and blog posts.

At time during the nights it’s the only time i can fight with myself…during the day i have this constant negative committee in my head that every time my parents say that i’m not enough or that i’m not doing anything right agrees with them and points out my mistakes and they point out the perfect way things should be and how they are not.

But at night i fight that committee that every day and every second it whispers;

“You are not enough even your parents see that what makes you think that someone will see past this?”

“No one cares for you.”

“You have no friends.”

“Ice bitch”

“Show a little emotion it won’t kill ya…oh wait it will!”

“You have no home and you’ll never have one!”

“You belong nowhere!”

“You are not beautiful even your mother says that and you came out of her vagina…god! imagine how that must feel for her…having an ugly daughter like you who can’t speak correctly Greek and always feels comfortable speaking English betraying her heritage!”

“You are disgusting!”

“I wonder if you kill yourself who is going to miss you? No one! But maybe we should try it and see, what do you say?”

Every night i will walk around telling myself the same mantra;

“I’m enough! I have a future. i am making an impact on this world by just existing maybe my kids will do great things! I should hold on for my future kids! i am enough! There is someone out there waiting to meet someone like me! You can do this! You only lost twice to that fight and you are 19! You can do it!”

And it’s true…two times i lost the fight…one was at 15 when i was about to jump from the 3rd floor and the second just 24 hours before my 19th birthday when i was seriously thinking about committing suicide and that indeed no one would care. I even bet that my parents would learn of my suicide because the neighbors will complain about my dead body’s smell…or because my aunt and her boyfriend decide to spent the weekend in the apartment i’m living in (technically it’s my aunt’s apartment and i live there during the week days because it’s in my college town and on the weekends she shows up with her boyfriend and i go to my hometown…to my parents.)

That is the reason why i don’t get to sleep well and i end up waking up at noon….it’s exhausting fighting your own mind every night and day but my parents don’t care…i haven’t told them actually because i saw how they reacted when i told them…sorry whenever i would tell them about a weakness of mine…they would use it against me when a fail….

Alright! Sorry for the rant…i really needed it. Sorry for the long post.

Good night, people!