My 2018 Rants About Death VS My 2023 Thoughts About Death

Recently, I scrolled down to my old posts on this blog from 2018 and honestly not much has changed. The only difference is that I finished my residency, was forced into going to Italy for a 2nd time (yet It was a positive experience in contrast to the 2017 trip) and was forced to go to evening school under the guise of doing something with my life.

What hasn’t changed is the suicidal thoughts and my lack of finding a job. I have switched work sectors I’m looking in and honestly, I still have hope.

Yet, the thoughts about death, the desire to kill myself and even fantasizing about it some days have gotten worse. But 2023 me can wholeheartedly relate to 2018 me’s writings and it’s truly concerning and saddenning.

My relationship with my parents, Aunt Elena and even my sister has gotten better-ish…I don’t hang out so much with Aunt Elena anymore because my sister is always with her and I don’t want to intrude. Also, my sister and I are close but she recently made a complaint about how we don’t do stuff together anymore and I started to try to make time for that.

Depression and anxiety have gotten worse since 2018 and the state of the world overall has become unbearable so it’s sort of understanding and expected. Yet the desire to end my life because my dreams and hopes are gone is still there and getting much more desirable in the coming weeks. But it’s true what they say, hope does die last. And mine hasn’t died yet.

I might be delusional by now but I still have hope that in the future or some version of the future, the gone dreams I have might become reality. Even though I want to die I also want to see if I do manage to make the dreams little me had a form of reality.

Trying Something New!

Daily writing prompt

What is your favorite hobby or pastime?

View all responses

My favourite hobbies/pastimes are writing, photography and watching TV shows/movies and documentaries.

Current Battles

Lately, from Friday to today, things have been getting bad. My anxiety has spiked because on Friday I had to confirm to the night school that I would go to our Erasmus exchange program. I was having 2nd and 3rd thoughts because I’m very anxious about traveling after the pandemic and because last time I was in Italy it was an experience!

Although, now I’m a bit less anxious about the trip, I did share my anxieties with my best friend and her response was harsh. It hurt me and I told her so. The response back was even harsher saying how she tried to be considerete and kind but I didn’t respond to it so it was time for tough love. She hasn’t been all that considered BUT she has been dealing with a lot of things in her life hence why I haven’t shared much of what has been going on with me.

I know I’m part to blame for not sharing everything with my best friend but I don’t feel comfortable and kind to share my troubles and anxieties with her while she’s going through the ringer, from her health to family stuff. I have tried to be there for her as best as I can which right now I’m doubting if I did all I could. It hurts.

But what hurts the most is the fact that my own mother agrees with her. My mother always agrees with my best friend even if she has been wrong in the past. On that note, things with my parents have been going great… until today…

I have troubles waking up early and I have been trying to fix that. But today we had a fight about this and my mum used my fragile anxiety and all my shortcomings and it hurt to see her use what I have shared with them. I felt like I was being slapped and then she added that she agreed with my best friend’s words.

I have been in a very dark space especially since Monday when things went a bit dark in my head while I was showering. And now this… I cried and my intrusive thoughts turned suicidal. I rushed to my medicine box and my bag to start looking for pills just to end it.

I have been trying for years to get a job got rejected so many times, I write and put things out in the world nobody reads it not even my own family. I put on an ad for work nobody sees this. My skills aren’t in retail or restaurants it’s my writing and computers. I’m currently going to night school to learn more about computers so I can apply to such jobs but it’s not enough.

The entire universe and people around me show me that I don’t matter and I’m tired of hoping and trying. So, I’m escalating my plan instead of killing myself at 25 years old I’m killing myself this year! I’m done!

Yet, as I started Googling to see which meds would do the job I ended up cleaning out the box and expired medication and wondering what is half of them. And since I’m writing this now, I didn’t do it. But I will at some point this year because I’m fucking done.

I am a waste of recourses and space. Thanks for following me throughout these years… I guess….

Failed Friendships, Distances And, Social Media.

I used to think that friendships were the easiest when I was in Primary School…but then I look around and I see that I was just oblivious!

I either am a pretty bad friend or I attract people who either use me for a while and then leave. (As if I’m important or something…lol…I am not important.)

So, I started thinking and wondering what am I doing wrong. Because I don’t think of myself as a saint, I must be doing something and if that something is an actual fault that could cause harm in the future I must correct it before I become toxic.

And in past friendships that I had as a child, I did something wrong, I wasn’t paying attention to my friends’ feelings and we didn’t really talk about said feelings. Then in Primary School and the two grades of Junior High, I had friends that became kinda my model/default friendship in my own mind which is one of my faults. The friendship I had in Primary School was great while I was in the same zip code but when I moved away that friendship slowly disappeared. Of course, social media were still in the very early stages so we couldn’t utilize them to keep the friendship alive. Plus phone calls and letters weren’t an option because with school and other activities we didn’t have time to sit down and write. But we did try the phone call thing but again we would always miss each other either by accident or on purpose (from my friend’s side).

The end of the Primary School/Junior High friendship that was with two other girls, hurt me so bad it took me YEARS to get over. And it still pains me to think but it has numbed up a bit.

When I moved away and entered a new school and essentially a new town and society, Although the 3rd Grade of Junior High I spent it alone reeling from a chaotic and traumatizing five years on an island, So, I was by myself and very closed up socially which wasn’t weird that nobody approached me.

When I entered the 1st Grade of Senior High School I met people even though flawed I remember them fondly! People approached me at the school’s campus and I finally got to experience the traditional Greek high school experience. But because I was reeling from the failed primary I was very hesitant to emotionally bond with them until I was halfway done with the 1st Grade of Senior Grade. Once, I allowed them in the memories I have with them are one of the best memories I have in my 23 years of life! Mentally I wasn’t in the best place but hey you can’t have everything!

During the 3rd Grade of Senior High school, the friendship group changed because a lot of people graduated and left for the next step in their lives. Which took a while to get used to. And some friendships with these people fizzled out but I have no hard feelings against them. Those friendships taught me about the importance of second chances in friendship and how it is to be friends with people that you have nothing in common with but the school and town you’re in. It broaden my horizons and introduced me to new things which helped me gain opinions on topics that in other situations wouldn’t have even touched let alone have an opinion on.

Then came the in-between period of studying for graduating exams and I met one person who till to this day we are friends and I consider her my best friend. But as I was getting to know her I made a promise that I won’t repeat the past mistakes which were to remain distant even though I consider them my friends.

Trust came very hard and I’m still struggling with it.

Once those exams ended and I went to college, I was very cold and distant and didn’t make any friends at college which now I regret doing but at the time it was what I needed mentally. Around the end of the second year of college, I did meet a friend and I consciously tried not to repeat the past’s mistakes but the friendship didn’t last even though I tried.

The 2020 pandemic destroyed that friendship because during the lockdown our friendship was challenged by the use of ghosting. During the summer of 2020, the friendship completely ended because she ghosted me for a very long time. It hurt and made me angry that I failed yet another friend, but this time the fault wasn’t entirely my own.

Now, online friendships for some reason were easier to keep alive. And has made me think that even though my real-life friendships were with people that I hadn’t anything in common with while with my online friends I do have things in common with them. And that is one of the many reasons why most of my friendships through the internet last.

Which taught me that if I don’t share my interests with my friends I’m not sharing my real self and that if I want a friendship to last I can’t just sit back and wait for my friendships to strengthen and not fall apart. I know it’s really dumb thing to realize at the age of 23.

Chaos And War

TRIGGER WARNING: TALKING ABOUT THE WAR IN UKRAINE, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND EVERY OTHER GEOPOLITICAL SITUATION!

The world…the world is ending and you can’t convenience me otherwise.

My heart is shattered hearing what is happening in Ukraine before this I have been following very loosely what was happening since 2014 but I never thought it would go as far as a war.

I’m terrified that this is just the beginning of something far worse that will destroy the life I and many of us know. And the most terrifying thing I have come to realize is how normal I think it is and how numb I became after the shock faded away. Since the pandemic started and the rest of the chaos that followed I’m so tired of historic events happening every six minutes!

In 2014 I dreaded thinking of the possibility of a war…although I have been thinking about it many times during the day…now…there’s not a day where I haven’t thought about the horrors that are happening now in Ukraine.

I live far away from Ukraine and I’m safe but seeing how quickly this country’s safety was taken away from millions of families and people it’s unsettling. I spent days looking around my room and house mentally trying to pack my entire life…and I got so anxious by just the thought of it! Imagine having to actually execute this entire action?!

Furthermore, I can’t go on TikTok and dissociate from reality because the only way for me to get updates on the situation in Ukraine is through TikTok causing my entire fyp to be full of videos with this situation…so I can’t not go on it to run away from reality because reality gets thrown in my face. This is the least of my problems because everything had gone up prices-wise and jobs are scares…

Since 2021 and 2022 started I have been more actively searching for remote and local jobs and haunting for a residency but so far they are very little improvement. I really have no optimistic idea how things will turn out.

As much as I don’t like to admit it, I’m not built to survive a world war or any war! I have no survival skills! Hell, I have no skills period! The only thing I can do is write…yep that’s it…maybe throw a punch? No…not even that….

Watching everything that is happening in Ukraine and Russia I can’t help but feel sad and angry! Because the Ukrainians don’t deserve this and at the same time the Russian people, those who are against this war, don’t deserve these sanctions Europe and the entire world have imposed on Russia. Putin and those who support him and the war do deserve the sanctions and even to get trialed for crimes against humanity to the highest court of justice! These soldiers who support this war give a bad rep to those who were forced to get drafted/enlisted and sent under false info from the higher-ups!

Also, these people are monsters, because they aren’t soldiers or humans when they agree to fight and shoot at innocents, invade a country that doesn’t deserve this, and don’t obey the laws of war that were signed in 1948! Back to the point, these monsters also make it more difficult to believe soldiers who ACTUALLY surrender their weapons because they actually don’t want to fight this war…

I really hope this ends soon because we are nearing four months of this…I can’t understand why not so many countries have moved army-wise to help Ukraine and stop Putin from doing this and only send “prayers”… I’m thankful that countries sent food and medical aid but if those things can’t actually reach them because the Russian army is stoping it…what’s the point…how can they help them?

I wish I wasn’t so helpless….

Depression, Anxiety and After-Covid Traveling.

I have depression since I was eight and anxiety since I was twelve years old. But traveling…traveling I’ve been doing since I was nine months old.

As a toddler before mental health became an issue for me, I loved it but after some time it got tiring and annoying, every summer touring half of Greece waking up in one place and sleeping in another. Seeing friends and family was the good thing plus I would get to see new places.
But when my mental health started declining so did my energy. I would get irritated having to put up a happy smiley faces and having no one to really talk about what was happening to me, I had no idea how it was called back then.

Then came the money problems, I would feel guilt and anxiety whenever I would listen to my parents schedule the trip and watch all the bills. I have memories of my parents, specifically my dad’s face, how they would winced whenever my sister and I would ask either for ice cream or to order something other than a juice at the cafes we would go with family and friends. I also remember my mum’s frown whenever we would have to order takeout because we had no means to cook homemade food. All that made me feel guilty for adding more financial stress by just existing and with already weighted mental health didn’t help.

That resulted into me dreading the summers and road trips altogether. I preferred staying homebound and going to closer places, ya known local tourism and all.

When I became a teenager, specifically 17 years old and onwards, due to financial strain in my family we started going to divided vacations meaning that in a week, on Monday with Tuesday dad and I would visit his village, while mum and sister stayed at home. Then Wednesday with Friday mum and dad would have their vacation somewhere close by. On the weekends my sister and I would go to the city an hour away from our hometown and stay at our aunt’s place having some sister time. These types of trips were better for my anxiety but not my depression.

Since I was 18 years old we started going for vacation in one place, my grand aunt’s house aka my maternal grandma’s hometown which is a near the sea and it’s a tourist attraction plus we have our own house. Anxiety wise this was not much of an issue if you moved past the long hours to get to the city and then clean a house that has a year worth of dust. At 18 cleaning that house was a ten years worth of dust so it was much trouble to clean and then shape it like we wanted. Adding the home repairs that the house was in desperate need of. It started to feel like a home away from home.

In the city my depression seems to either get heavier or weightless depends on a lot of factors I have come to realize. At 18 my depression was heavy because my friends didn’t understand the need for me to travel with my family and not go on a solo vacation with them. Plus, it was a year after my grandmother died so we were all still grieving or in various stages of grief so I feared if we separated things wouldn’t be great, plus we had lawyers and home repairs to deal with so my parents needed help. At 19 i was fine at first, my anxiety was at its peak because of no WiFi or TV and I didn’t know what to do with myself or my electronics. But then I got the worst depressive episode I had so far, it was excruciating and fights ensued because of it between myself and my family. The entire summer was tense.

At 20, i was better prepared, I had downloaded movies/tv shows/songs and I had plenty of stories waiting to be written plus I had learned the city by now and my sister and I had set a goal to start working out and exploring the city while working on our sisterly bond. That summer city had become a place where all of us would work on our familial bond, we would have long conversations about what transpired during the winter and solve any conflicts we had. We would return home with a stronger bond and calmer minds for the winter. My depression and anxiety that summer was the not good but not bad either I felt like I had it under control and my parents helped me through two of my episodes. Plus my sister was a star! She would drag me out of bed and push me to exercise or pretend to need my help with this or that.

At 21, it was even better! Cleaning the house was less of a hassle now because we knew where each thing went. But, pre-Covid lockdown that house was broken into. So when we went there we had to fix things around the house. Having to do that plus the already burdened mental health due to two lockdowns and how the state of the world was/is. During the lockdowns I had severe anxiety and my depression wasn’t at its best. Had some episodes but what was worse was my anxiety and I know I wasn’t the only one all of us sustained emotional and physical trauma from the 2020 and keeping being traumatized a year later.

Now, at 22, I didn’t want to go to the summer home at all because it meant separating from WiFi and if I thought in the past I was addicted to them now I was EVEN MORE addicted. Anxiety peaked when I was trying to make space in my computer’s storage to add move movies and tv shows, ASMR videos and ambient ones. But what things were even more terrifying were the facts that I was travelling alone with my teen sister who I was legally now her guardian during this trip while grieving the recent death of our grandaunt Helena, me recovering from the second dose of the Covid vaccine, the heat wave that my country was under, my own bladder issues and on top of that our road was changed originally because the original route was in flames, wildfires were plaguing my country. The place we were heading to 48 hours ago was also in flames and the flames had stopped 10-20 minutes away from our house there.

Thankfully, the bus ride was uneventful and not hot at all, the only scary thing was that the bus had once more to divert its route because the wildfire we were trying to avoid licked the back of our bus, you looked out of your window and you saw the firey beast! No one was hurt but when we stopped at rest stop the bus driver cleaned the back from the ash and checked the tires and let us know that because of this change of route we lost one scheduled stop and added one more hour to the already seven hours trip. He said he would have accelerate our speed so we can make it on time but he told us to check our bus schedules for those who had connected bus rides or flights or trains and ships. It was a bit of a mess on that front. But everyone obeyed the Covid laws and we had masks one and everything. He managed to get us to our destination with 45 minutes to spare because collectively the bus told the driver not to make another stop when he asked at te 3 hour mark and he saw a rest stop. My bladder was also cooperating with me and making it difficult but the seats were a little too uncomfortable for mine and my sister’s body types. But i did dehydrate myself in order to make it work.

Seeing the fire nearing us and smelling it while seeing my baby sister sleeping soundly next to me oblivious to the danger we were in was a lot and I realized it at night when I woke up from a nightmare and I had a panic attack. And that didn’t help when the next day around 6 pm as I’m sitting in the balcony facing the sea and the Central Greece I saw the fires appearing, I heard their screams, I heard and saw the firefighting planes trying to get to them. I smelled the smoke. I froze realizing how close we were, the Gulp of Korinthos was what was keeping us safe. That night I hardly slept not being able to breathe and hearing the planes.

I was awakened at 10 am by the sound of my phone with an evacuation alert because of how close we were. Watching my country burn reminded me of tow other summers that were plagued in flames when I was 11 years old and 19 years old, Greece never recovered from that fire, a decade and four years later, and seeing that this year’s fires were worse and bigger in kilometers and cities that it claimed, I know Greece will never recover. Not in two decades or more. Animals and tree species were forever gone because for arsonists and climate change.

At 22 the summer of 2021 was one of those summers that we had once more tour almost all of Greece, a challenging trip because of Covid mandates, money, heat waves and wildfires. You had to make sure where you were going wasn’t burning and you had an evacuation plan or plans in mind just in case fire gets to where you were. You were nowhere safe.

I visited Athens for what I count as the first time this summer. I mean my internet best friend in real life, met my honorary Uncle Thomas aka my mum’s best friend. And saw where my mum was staying when she was a teen like me and in college. I used to be afraid and despise Athens but after this trip I view the city in less negative light but still I want to discover it more before I say that I like it. I had fun. My anxiety and depression in Athens was almost non-existent. I did felt anxious because it’s a huge city and it takes time to commute and scheduling to meet with people and standing them up is my nightmare and worse fear plus the fear of being mugged. I sued the subway for the first time and I loved it! I love trains in general! Athens felt wrong especially while staying at the house my mum lived as college student and how small it was.

But walking amongst the ancient places it felt oddly familiar and that is what made me change my mind about this city. Something in me this summer changed but I don’t know what it is.
Not yet. But this summer, the summer of 2021, didn’t feel like a summer, like a vacation. It felt void, forced even untimely like it wasn’t meant to be summer yet but it was summer. Fearing an invisible enemy and a fiery one. It left me unsure because it taught me that nothing is forever, moments, laughter, houses, land nothing.

I hope the summer of 2022 to be happier or at least with happier moments.

Those are my thoughts on anxiety, depression and the aftermath of Covid travelling.

Depression And Friendships

Trigger Warning; Mention of depression, anxiety, self-harming! Read with caution!

According to my parents, I was always a very friendly child growing up…but then the depression came, and with it a shitload of other dark things in my life, breaking my trust and friendly spirits.

Now, as an adult of 21 going 22 years of life, I can’t understand how I view making friends so easy as a kid. Yes, talk to others is easy but maintaining a friendship is hard work! And especially with my anxiety and depression, it makes things twice as hard!

Most of my anxiety attacks during this pandemic had been because I didn’t answer phones or messages from my friends. I was really stressed about keeping up with everyone and everything yet wanting to be locked in my room and write or watch tv shows and movies without being bothered.

And I don’t know if it’s me but whenever I have a problem I don’t reach out to my friends because the times I did reach out I expected something I didn’t get and even apathy. An event is very fresh in my mind, it was when I was feeling very very low when I was 19 and I called my then-new friend (now best friend) to talk me out of self-harming, she did help by distracting me but when she asked me why I called her all of a sudden and told her she told me not to stress about it! And on other occasions, she wasn’t all that empathetic which stank at that moment, I get it now since I’ve known her better, calming words aren’t her thing and I appreciate that she’s trying. But since it’s not her thing I feel awful putting her in such a position so I refrain from telling her anything and try to solve it myself, if I can’t then I reach out.

Having said that, I believe I found myself in a similar situation myself, I met this girl from Tumblr a year or so ago and we decided to start talking on Discord during the second lockdown here in Europe. She and I have similar mental health issues, hers are more severe than mine, which pains me greatly and I wished I could somehow lift some of that burden off her so she could rest. She needed me, and I couldn’t find the right words to say to her.

The same thing happened with another kid, he’s way younger than me, we met on Quora and we re-connected on Discord last year. He’s self harming and shows signs of self destructive behavior, he reached out to me thinking because I was dealing with the same issues that I could help counsel him as both an older person but also sort of veteran in that alley of issues.

I couldn’t help him either, his behavior triggered me so bad I retreated to a very dark corner. And through countless hours of talking with him I realized he doesn’t want to help himself, he expects others to heal him. I felt uncomfortable both because of our age difference and of how severe his issues were, he didn’t need me he needed a psychiatrist. I tried to tell him to go, I send him links and resources, he didn’t use them. So, I made the hard decision to stop communicating with him.

I felt like a shitty person for not healing him. But I understood that this wasn’t my place.

Then we have a former best friend I had, she had undiagnosed issues and hard life, I was in awe that she survived that much. Our friendship was great from my point of view but not from hers, the moment the summer of 2020 came she cut contact with me. It burned and I grew angry and bitter but looking back now, she was going through something that I couldn’t help her with because I wasn’t fit to help her. If our friendship had withstood the test of the pandemic I truly fear it would have turned toxic or I would have become toxic trying to survive it. But all that are theories. I truly don’t know how that friendship would have turned out since it seemed I was wearing rosy-colored glasses and didn’t see the cracks. I hope she’s doing okay though because she blocked me on everything…

Then we have my other friend, E, E and I go way back, we met on the first day of High School and our friendship is casual with many breaks of communication in between because of life. I liked how uncomplicated our friendship is and how understanding she’s is. Do I trust her? Yes. Am I being honest with her? Yes, it’s hard but I’m trying. I truly believe mine and E’s friendship has been this casual because I don’t hide my emotions and opinions from her and I really hope she does the same thing. Although, I have been warned by people to be careful with her because she gossips a lot but the people who warned me about her caused me the most heartache down the line, so it’s safe to say they were biased and maybe trying to break us up.

Then I have my only male friend, with whom the friendship is complicated, to say the least and we have loooong cuts in communication and we live in the same town for Christ’s sake! E lives in a village half an hour away, my best friend lives also in a village half an hour away and my Tumblr turned Discord friend lives in England! He doesn’t really communicate which is hard and I don’t really know if he views me as his friend anymore but it’s nice whenever we meet up.

Throughout our friendship, I went through very dark bouts of depression and yet he never noticed which I don’t blame him it wasn’t his job to do so but it kinda made me bitter but again that’s my issue.

My issue is that my depression, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, and trust issues make me closed off and spend too much time in my head and not noticing what’s going on around me. And when I do I take too long to react.

I have no idea how to balance my mental health and my friendships and be helpful when it comes to my friends’ mental healths, I’m still learning though.

Hopefully, I don’t lose any more friends in the process. 

My TBI And Lonely Healing

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING MENTION OF TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY, HOSPITALS AND BLOOD.

On February 6th, 2021 it was the 1 year since my Traumatic Brain Injury an event that changed my life drastically and traumatized me on a whole different level and way.

How did it happen? My mum didn’t see me and brought the entire trunk door on my head! Because she was too busy wanting to go pee which is understandable. I get it was an accident but make me feel so hurt because during my recovery they were very eager to not validate my emotions, anxieties, and worries about my health.

Even now they think I’m overreacting and being overdramatic about how different I process things now, even sunlight, loud music and changing lights, and too much information can make me feel too much and I get stuck! If it was the pre-TBI me I would have handled all that better or not have a problem at all!

They act so nonchalantly whenever I tell them what I have found out about my TBI research and coping methods for people who try to recover which makes me so sad and angry.

It’s their fault I’m like this! If mum had for one second stop thinking “Oh I need to pee!” and saw me she wouldn’t have done this!

They helped once during my recovery and it was when I had to wash my head from all the blood after three days of staying with bloody hair because I wasn’t allowed to shower. And then one more time when they gave me one word each and waited for me to write it. And when they saw me fail and I cried because I was in pain they just shrug and went back to being on their phones…

I was alone in my room learning how to write again, how to read out loud in both English and Greek and when I asked them to read them in English some of my stories as an exercise they acted as if I was asking them to do some major chore and many times I caught them not even paying attention to me…

It wasn’t a surprise since they never really cared about me, they never really came to any of my performances or plays so why would they listen to my stories or help me recover from a brain injury mum caused? I am not my sister.

I’m holding back tears typing this. I’ve been holding this in for a year or almost a year.

It was the same thing when I broke my arm, they still try to discredit me even though I have proof one photo of me in a cast and the pain of my thumb and chronic wrist tendonitis because of that. Which again isn’t a surprise. They made no big deal for many things I suffered from growing up and when I told people about them they looked at me horrified and said that if they were my parents they would have either taken me to the hospital or paid more attention or helped me heal.

I was sick with an upper respritory infection when I was nine years old for eight months and my parents took me to the doctor because my school told them to. THE SCHOOL TOLD THEM TO! Like what the fuck? I was by myself in the living room because I puked on my bed earlier the week and mum yelled at me for spilling puke on the wooden floor and my mattress.

No one woke me up to take my meds, no one stayed with me when I would have the breathing machine on or assemble said machine every night at 3 am. Thank god for phones and setting reminders otherwise, I wouldn’t have admitted the right medication regiment.

I was allowed to stay at home for only one week after that mum forced me to go to school claiming I couldn’t miss class which resulted into me becoming worse and worse and instead of healing in two or three weeks I spent eight months not being able to breathe and needing a breathing mask where you put the sprays similar to the ones kids with asthma have and you breathe the medication.

I was by myself puking my guts out every day and not being able to swallow.

Looking back I was shocked by how much my parents didn’t care, I had started doubting my own illness too until I lost consciousness in class from high fever and not being able to breathe.

Paramedics told me I had 103.82 degrees Fahrenheit fever (39.9 degrees Celsius) and my airway was blocked with lung phlegm which if not treated will lead me to pneumonia. They asked me why I came to school and I wrote on a piece of paper my case while breathing through a tube they put so I can breathe! Mum still doesn’t believe me that this happened and when she was called she told them to send me home and she will “deal” with me.

I walked home that day taking three times the amount of time to reach my destination because I couldn’t breathe while walking. Then I got yelled at for not telling mum I wasn’t feeling well. Yet the next day I was sent to school again and my teacher raised their eyebrows but said nothing else.

I had forgotten how to breathe by the end of the 8th month of me being sick…

But when my sister was sick with the exact same thing for three consecutive years mum and dad move heaven and earth to figure shit out thanks to watching them and being woken up in the middle of the night because my sister was crying not wanting to take her meds I knew what to do when I was sick.

My sister now has allergic asthma and due to my weak immune system, I get sick with upper respiratory infections twice every year.

I got sick two weeks ago with my annual respiratory infection which I battled by myself as always. I still have a hard time swallowing but I know what to do now.

This experience when I was nine taught me to never bother saying I’m sick to my parents and take care of my own health and force myself to push through it in an unhealthy manner of course…

In 2018 I got sick with the heaviest respiratory infection I have ever gotten since I was nine and I was living by myself in my aunt’s apartment who didn’t have the basic asprin let alone anything else. Too sick to even walk I called my aunt who she and her boyfriend drove an hour to get to me, they stopped at a pharmacy and a grocery store! They came and helped me immensely. I was shocked. They moved me to what would become my room which was smaller and helped the electric heater to hit it up quicker, they brought me a hitting under-mattress, brought me food for two weeks and meds for three weeks and stayed for a week helping me and waking me up when my fever would get too high. My aunt’s boyfriend woke me up once saying how my fever was 104.18°F (40.1°C) and I had wet towels on my forehead and legs trying to bring down the fever.

My aunt acted so freaked out that it was freaking me out. Her boyfriend who was a father of two was calmer because he’s been through similar scenarios and yet he looked worried to the point they called a friend who was a doctor to check me and tell them if I needed to go to the hospital thankfully he just prescribed me stronger meds.

Then four weeks later I was healthy again yet I felt weak and I decided to visit my parents for the weekend allowing my aunt to clean my room and sanitize it. When I returned home the change in weather backtracked my health and I got sick again and once again I was alone but I knew what to do.

Mum and dad didn’t even bat an eyelid to me getting sick this often which makes sense, they didn’t bat an eyelid when I got diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases so didn’t expect much.

This brings me to now since the TBI I can’t hide my emotions and bottled up emotions and suppressed traumatic memories have risen which has affected my mental health and the emotional state once again.

 I am emotional now.

I used to block my emotions like it was nothing now I feel everything and it’s exhausting!

I suffer from frequent headaches and migraines, my multitasking has gone out of the window, my anxiety is through the roof.

I am not me anymore…

I think I need time to redefine who is this version of me.

And if I ever face my parents’ disregard for my health…which I highly doubt…

Thanks for reading and sorry for rambling.

My Anxiety

In recent years, from age 12 and up, I would get anxiety attacks.

It started with my chest and heart feeling heavy and like long nails grabbing my heart and squeezing it and causing me breath shortness and then my entire nerves in my body will feel cloated and then I would have spasms and then faint from pain.

As I grew older my anxiety changed, I would get shortness of breath and heart beating fast to the point it hurts and then I would cry and be tired for the rest of the day.

At 19 my anxiety changed again and I would get this feeling that I would get too much air and I couldn’t be able to process it and I would just feel overwhelmed, cold and my chest would be in pain because I’m gulping the air. And then I’ll be cold and tired for the rest of the day.

At 20, during the first quarantine my anxiety will be too much oxygen that I can’t process, my heart and chest in pain to the point I will have to keep still and close my eyes and try to breathe in and out. But I started having anxiety attacks during the night, most times I will try to sleep but the anxiety would make my brain not stop working and my legs to grow restless and I would be pacing back and forth, not even ASMR would help. Then If I’m asleep I would get anxiety attacks in my sleep causing me to gasp awake and hyperventilate or see a nightmare and wake up crying and with anxiety attack ongoing already.

Then during the second quarantine my anxiety became all the above plus the feeling of your entire skeleton shaking and my joints to be in pain and when I’m standing up I fear that I would fall over or during the shaking I’ll be attempting to move and I would feel frozen or in pain and I would have to force my body to move or I would feel like I’m moving in slow motion and that would cause me pain if I try to rush me.

I used to think that I don’t need meds even though I was given meds but my pharmist, who happens to be my sister’s godmother and the same woman that saved my life when I was born, she was in the delivery room with my mum and also was the maid of honor at my parents’ wedding, so I trust her, told me that the meds I was given were too heavy for me and shouldn’t really take them and my gut feeling told me the same thing. But now, I think I need the help because breathing excercises don’t do it anymore…

So, I’m planning to talk to a doctor for that and a psychologist.

Another thing my anxiety changed is talking on the phone. I hate it and dread it now. I prefer typing an email and texting. I grow anxious whenever I notice missed calls or too many messages on social media or too long texts on social media. I also grow anxious when I have to upload chapters and blogs which is one of the many reasons why there are so few and with long period in between them.

And that is my anxiety story! This post was inspired by a conversation I had with my dad and little sister.

I hope everyone is doing okay during this yet remain weird times! Thanks for reading my post!

What 2020 Taught Me

Happy New Year and Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! I hope the new year brings you everything that you want and need!

As 2020 ended I looked back to how my life was a year ago…it was far more colorful than it is now.

During this time last year I had a busy social life with a friend in my college town and two in my hometown, I had a residency, I lost weight, I was more actively looking for a job, my Hasimoto and Osteoathritis was doing okay and blood tests were ok.

I was spending relatively enough time with my family and I was on good terms with my sister.

I felt I was finally moving towards something!

Then, I hit my head. Got diagnosed with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), Covid 19 started, quarantine ensued and all hell broke loose!

Through the first quarantine I learned that I had to stop my residency and essentially lost it, I had to re-learn some basic stuff because of the TBI, my mental and physical health was going down, I started losing friends and anxiety was a constant companion.

But the good things also started; I spent productive time with my family and sister, I got on Tik Tok, I binge watched some movies and TV shows I wanted, I focused ore on writing, my entire family and I got ourself in a meal plan so we wouldn’t binge eat and change our diets by adding more vegitables and fruits and less sweets per day. I managed to keep in touch with one of my best friends through it all. I painted and cooked/baked a lot which was fun!

During the second quarantine and in between quarantines I had started working out but 3 covid scares I stopped. And I gained weight. I started a blog and binge watched almost 17 seasons of NCIS.

But, all in all, 2020 taught me to value the people who stick by you when the world is burning down and that friendship is a two-way street and both people should put in the work.

I’m trying my best. I really hope that I get to do something that would help me move along my life in 2021 but I’m keeping myself back from over-anticipating.

And that is my take on 2020. Here we go 2021!

Why Do Friendships End?

Hey, guys! Long time no see! I still don’t know what to do with this blog, it seems it has turned into a personal diary/rant page and I kinda don’t want to change it. I will try to post more as I always promise and never do…I actually I will try to actually upload more often.

I want to share my thoughts and ideas on various topics in a form of posts where I will contimplete and maybe throw in some poems or dreams and rants from time to time. What I fear is that my post my come to bite me in the ass in later years. That is why I’m hesitant about posting and worried about things I have already posted.

I don’t know if you care or have stuck around at all but I made a new blog where I post TV shows/movies reviews and short stories I’m writing. It’s called Small Stories & Commentary, the link is this fandomvickyfix.wordpress.com

Enjoy this post!

Friendships. A topic as an adult of 21 years I struggle with…

I’m not going to go into a rant about my childhood but I believe my trouble with friendships is deep rooted in there because of the many moves I had to endure due to my dad’s job.

But I also believe that trouble in this department comes from the people you are being surrounded by or you attract…and I guess I attracted people who aren’t really sincere or “normal” (as my mum said). Although the concept “normal” for me and my generation is a very fluid meaning.

I have sat many times at night and reviewed my friendships and I draw the conclusion that the people I attract are those who need something from me or plain manipulators who see a weak and desperate for friendship girl and they manipulate her or at least stay around until something better comes their way. Which in turn causes me (and any other person experiencing this) to create or unbury trust issues.

And this sucks!

Why do manipulators exist?!

I don’t know.

Will I ever find supporive, trustworthy and fun friends to be around with whom I have not one but various things in common? I hope so.

This brings me to another problem I do have and recently realized it…due to the number of moves I had to endure due to dad’s job I got very into movies and Tv shows, especially American ones where they depict this tight-knit group of friends in suburbian town that have together since birth or at least meet in the first day of High School and there is suddenly this trustworthy friendship and so on. I thought that in real life I would (at some point) find these types of people. Oh! I forgot to mention these friend groups exist in Wattpad books too which at 15 I was consuming like cereal!

But recently I started to think that these types of friendships don’t exist…

What type of friendships do exist, you ask? I HAVE NO CLUE! There must be so many types of friendships both healthy and unhealthy ones. The problem is what I am comfortable with that is something I’m still figuring out.

I know that I want trust, fun times, pick me ups from both sides, helpful advice, moral compass of sorts and a person that I can talk about movies, Youtube and tv shows with for hours. Someone that I can trust that I can get drunk with or in front of and know that I will wake up safe and sound in my bed, if I chose to drink that is since I don’t really like alcohol.

I want a friend that I can had deep and philosophical conversations with while sitting in my living room or anywhere and we are drinking hot/cold chocolate or coffee.

But for now I believe I need to work on my own issues first before I started looking for friends. Not that I don’t have a friend but who knows if she sticks around long enough…see trust issues.

2020 has been a difficult year for many yet for me 2019/2018 were years where I lost many people I thought as friends and found new people only to lose them a couple days/months/weeks later or even lost them in 2020. (There’s not dead don’t worry we just don’t speak anymore).

For sure though I’m part of the problem of why I can’t find trustworthy friends yet. I truly hope that this friend I have now is a true one even though we don’t share many movies and tv show prefrences. I can always get her addicted to them if I brainwash her! *evil laugh* with her consent of course!

How can I not attract manipulators?

Well, I expressed this question to my friend Zorzet and she told me something I already knew but never really thought; manipulators like people who can’t say no. I can’t say no most times.

Then I had other friendships that they eneded because of me. As a friend if I had to label me I’m a mum friend (type?).

I hope you enjoyed this post if you are still around, I thank you for that! Check out my other blog if you are into these types of things it’s @fandomvickipedia

I hope everyone is staying safe and sane!

2020…AGHHHH!

Hey, guys! It’s been a long while…Every time I say that I found time to start updating regurarly on here something turns my life to shit…

So, in the previous post I talk about a new friend I made in the city, well that friendship ended…

I’m so tired of meeting friends, having fun with them, trusting them and then losing them…It’s getting old and tiring and I raise even more walls than I should and have…

How this friendship ended? Well, during qurantine I tried my best to keep up with communication with my three best friends, write my new fanfiction (I know I’m one of those people…), spend time with my family both one on one and all together, recover from my TBI which meant learning how to write, talk and many more things also accept that now I’m not able to handle many things I could prior the accident. Also, I had my TV shows and I’m part of this group on Twitter where we read and review books for free in two weeks and on top of that I was looking for a remote job. So, there were a lot of things and my mental health was okay and positive and going strong I started slacking on texting or calling my friends.

Then, I started having terrible migraines and pains in my head, cold and hot flashes and sometimes nose bleeds, this friend seemed to be patient and understanding but I didn’t know that in the back of her mind she was starting pulling away. Close, to April/May she started not answering my texts and we would go for weeks not talking and always reschedule our video chats because they would go on until 4 am and I live with my parents and everyone was long asleep by that time and I couldn’t have two headphones in my ears, one my phone and one of my computer where the tv show was playing.

Soon, her friend that was living in the city introduced her to her boyfriend’s friends and they started going out before qurantine was over and she stopped texting all together. I had to sent first messages and I would get left on read or answered with one word responses and some vague new information about how her life currently was. Which confused me. I also got mad at her for going out with people before lockdown was done while she was high risk patient due to Hashimoto thyroiditis she and I suffer from which is caused by autoimmine disfunction hence lowering our immune system. I was worried about her, even terrified. Isn’t that what friends do?

Then we had to talk for few days and she forgot my birthday, she wished me just as the day ended with a dry “happy birthday” on Facebook stories section at 1 am on May 16th while my birthday was on the 15th. I did make a fuss because on her birthday I had arranged an entire movie and sleepover night and even made time to visit her while she ignored me the entire day and then sent this. After that, we continued with days in between us talking and she was always too busy to talk, always going somewhere.

I decided to visit her again find some time to talk but no luck, I spent the time trying to fill in the blanks I had in her life and not addressing the issue. Then I had to leave and go to my grand-aunt’s house where there was no phone or WIFI and not so great signal either. I told her I was going, I told her if she needed or wanted to talk she could call me which was more likely to see than a text on Instagram or Facebook. She left me on read.

Then a lot of bad luck followed me, during our trip to my grand-aunt’s our car broke down, we had to call a taxi to get us there which caused a lot of money, the water pipe burst, we almost got an electrical fire in my room, the plugs and electrical panel needed fixing because of it, then once we recieved our car it had problems again, I hit my head again and suffered a PTSD triggered anxiety attack, some things broke in the house, I burnt my foot, almost drowned in the sea and my sister saved me, the toilets broke down and we flooded the bathrooms, yes we had two bathrooms.

So, economically we were worried because qurantine was hard economically and now this had the entire family on edge and because I’m not no saint and since after my accident it seems that my emotions aren’t as easy to control as before and compartmentalize that easily if at all I was overwhealmed. And my friend’s problems didn’t seem that big or important because they were the same ones again and again and I was offering the same advice and she wouldn’t use it so I was harsh to her last time we talked on the phone and told her that the world is burning up right now and her problems have sollutions and I have pointed them to her many times yet she doesn’t use them and it seemed to me that she enjoyed whinning about this and that. And that while she was whinning she didn’t seem to ask how I have been doing the past three months or during qurantine…this I had no time to ask her why she didn’t think to ask because I need to pay something I had bought while we were talking and she claimed her phone’s battery was low.

After that, her communication became more sporadic close to non-existant. I was constantly left on read whenever I would try to sent her a message and it wasn’t constantly because I was busy too and my mental health was starting to drift lower and I had started to work out in an attempt to lose the qurantine weight and spend time with my sister because it seemed as if our relationship had been tense and she seemed to become isolated and she was 16 years old and I remember how it was when I was 16 and I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t do anything terrible or maybe her silence was a yell for help and our parents as usually didn’t caught it so knowing how it was I tried to play hero.

During my stay at my grand-aunt’s I had asked from my sister to ask her what was up and if I did something and later learned that she was angry with me for talking bad about her ignorant boyfriend. The whole story goes, she and this guy were dating for a year but their relationship was distance, he was avoiding to answer personal questions that could validate that he was who he claimed to be, there was no public record of him existing and his behaviour didn’t match his claiming age. Furthermore, he was ignoring her every time she would text him for two hours before answering while he was constantly online. Now, I understand that being online doesn’t mean that you are able to talk but you could shoot her a text saying “I’m busy” and not set her app during video calls. Then when she broke up with him I spent two hours consoling her and keeping her from taking non-necessary sleeping pills during the early weeks of qurantine. When she met this guy through her city friend’s boyfriend and she started to rebound date him and he was great to her yet she started seeing her ex behind his back and pretended to everyone they were broken up. During that time I spoke ill of her ex (current secret) boyfriend and how her actual boyfriend was a much better guy.

Not to my knowledge, she held those words against me while she pretended not to hurt her and even laughed with me and agreed! The hypocrisy! And added up by how harsh I spoke to her about her problems and the world as I mentioned before and how during her “broken up” period in order to stop her from overdosing I spoke to her harshly even though at that time she later thanked me and said how right I was!

I couldn’t understand why she didn’t say anything. Why she didn’t say; “hey, can you stop talking like that? I don’t like it.” or because she knew how calm of a person I was to ask me why oh so suddenly I started to be mean and furstrated more easily with her problems because my other best friend saw that something was wrong with me and reached out and even yelled at me for speaking harshly to her. Back then I couldn’t see I was wrong using this tone with them but she should have said something!

My mental health was drifting away yet I wasn’t giving up on our friendship, I was reliving what I was going through with Nicky and I was anxiously trying not to make the same mistakes and tire her with messages of my saying constantly “hi” so I did the complete opposite, I didn’t send any messages and continued my life as if I didn’t have any problem, in the back of my head I was hoping that she would text instead. Then I grew angry and I sent her a text telling her that we need to talk about our friendship and to tell me when she had time to call her. I was left on read. So, I send a last message telling her I would call her on specific date and time and I did…the phone rang and rang until she hang up.

August was the last time I attempted to contact her and on October 13th I noticed that she had unfriend me from Facebook yet she still follows me on Instagram and sees my stories but doesn’t like my pictures. I don’t know why people do this… I haven’t liked or checked any of her pictures or stories since late July. It hurting seeing it because for the past three months I have been suffering a lot with mental health.

I couldn’t understand why she did this because Nicky had done the same thing to me and she knew how much it hurt she had seen it how it affected me and did to me. I trusted her…foolishly it seems. My mum had warned me that saw her looking at me with malice in her eyes when I wasn’t looking at her during Christmas and when we met before qurantine started after my accident.

As if those things weren’t enough my family was fighting amongst themselves and specifically my mum and my aunt were fighting and put my sister and I to chose us to pull the snake out of its hole and I made the chose my mum and aunt were dancing around the past three years and my mum was mad at me and my aunt became suicidal and I, my sister and her boyfriend had to be on suicide watch for two days for my aunt.

Then I reconnected with an old friend named George who was self-harming and I tried to help but I got triggered with everything he was saying and how he was saying them and when I asked him if he could respect and not tell me in details how he hurt himself because I was struggling with the same thing he continued using even more gory details and pushed me over the edge. I stopped talking to him and I started to isolate myself.

Then as if all of those things weren’t enough my town learned that one of its factories’ workers were sick with Covid and they were going in for work and suddenly the number of cases jumped up in just 24 hours. Unknowingly, I came into contact with one of those people who worked in that factory and was exposed to Covid, they got tested and instead of self-quaranting she arranged to go out with me and I’m a high risk patient and so is my mum if I and her get sick and they told me an hour after we were out and I was exposed, even though they knew that I’m high risk. Then I didn’t have time to stop it we met my sister and her friends and we were hugged by all of them getting them potentially exposed in turn. The moment I return home I was self-quaranting for 14 days trying to come into contact with them to learn if they were positive or negative. Thankfully, they were negative yet I remained in quarantine for 14 days showing no symptoms then just as I had 5 days left, my sister comes home with a sad face and tells us that one of her friends’ brother tested positive for Covid and her friend had fever for three days but she didn’t pay attention because she was used to having a low fever whenever she was on her period and she had come into contact with us twice since her fever started.

My sister also drank from the same bottle. My entire family prepared to go into quarantine immediatly and then we learned that her friend was hospitilized the moment she stepped in the ER and they saw a high fever and she got tested along with the rest of her family while her brother who was asymptomatic had moved to the upstairs part of the house and was self-quaranting. She tested negative for covid but positive for the normal flu and we remained in qurantine for 4 days paying attention with our symptopms.

My uncle, my mum’s cousin, was also one of those people working in the same factory as my friend and he was tested and was negative but quarantining too. Then couple weeks ago, we learned that our downstairs neighbors have four positive covid cases and they are a family of five and they weren’t quaranting or wearing a mask outside when it was mandatory. The entire building I lived on got disinfected and we had to wear masks and gloves and they were forced by the police into quarantine and threatened to be fined if they were viewed outside.

Then my sister learned that a kid in the school her own school shares a playground with tested positive and his entire block of flats got into quarantine because they had come into contact and all the schools were getting disinfected during the weekend while classmates of this kid that came into contact were tested and put in quarantine with their families.

Our town was mandotory told to wear masks anywhere we went for three months now while after lockdown we didn’t need to wear masks.

All of those ups and downs effected me in a negative way and I had reached such low for months.

And that past week I’ve managed to start pulling myself together and getting myself in a routine.

I’m so ready for 2020 to be done because I don’t know how much longer I can take.

My Life Turned Upside Down Just As The World Went Bat-Shit Crazy!

WOAH! And I thought my life in 2019 was hard and full of upside downs….

Life is hard as I already knew and I have been taught time again and again!

I truly thought that 2019 was the worst year and the best at the same time in my personal life because it had been a rollercoaster of emotions, feelings and thoughts and events.

I started 2019 having so many friends…yet throughout of it I started losing them, I started to move on because I wasn’t just a college student anymore, I was a student looking for a residency so I can use what I learned in theory into action and see if it’s a job I wanted to do even though I was doubting my choice of becoming a Filmmaker in training…

I started realising what I wanted to with my life professionally wise which brought another realization of the fact that I was near nowhere to achieve the before mentioned realization!

And during all of this I met a new friend and we were in our honeymoon phase. Yes, I was losing friends in one town and gaining another one in another city.

I was… looking back now… living a very nice life….with its struggles alright but it was great! Yes, I was nervous beyond adjusting…i mean if you asked me to choose the worst anxiety I ever felt before 2020 I would say that it was that time, the time that I was looking for a job and a residency.

I might be romanticising it now in comparison to how 2020 is going but at least there wasn’t a fucking pandemic and people weren’t dying. Or countries and economies collapsing.

Then Christmas came. I got my residency one I truly liked! I lost a bit of weight (which I gained back in quarantine) and I had lost all my friends yet I had my new friend and the only thing I had to find is a job…

Christmas was the last time I managed to meet three people from my previous friend group which the two people I considered them my best friends and meet them my new friend and fast becoming my 3rd best friend.

Christmas was amazing and fun!

Then New Year’s Eve came and I felt as if I was waiting for something that has been suffocating since the Christmas of 2018 came. Mt family didn’t feel up to it either so we skipped celebrating and I refused to go out afterwards since I was invited anywhere because the people who used to invite me were not my friends anymore.

It was hurtful to watch Instagram stories of them having fun without me but also I didn’t really care because for once I felt comfortable in my house and I wasn’t forcing myself to go out and be uncomfortable in a club that they played music I hate and with alcohol I don’t drink, listening to stories and inside anecdotes I wasn’t part of because I was living in between towns.

Then 2020 came and along with it a shit load of shit for all of us.

Before quarantine lockdown in my country on February I got a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) because my mum accidentally hit me with our family’s car’s trunk in the head and I was bleeding from 7 pm up to 3 am.

Then three weeks in my recovery quarantine happened.

Quarantine was quite for me but my family two weeks before May started to fight and words were said that reminded me of the reasons why studies and research have told me that I was raised in an emotionally and very rarely physically abusive household.

I love my parents and how good and progressive, fun they are on good days but they are very scary and hurtful on bad days.

During all of this my mind wondered if I could make it to be more consistent with my posts here. I really think that my life isn’t that interesting but still I don’t know what to do with this blog.

And now .

And now that jobs are even harder to find…i fear for my future like everyone else.

So, this is what has happened of me these past year and a few months….

Sorry for not being more active here but I will try. And maybe this will be seen more.

I just need to find the courage to post about my life and my dreams into the deep unknown the Internet is since I suck at friendships in real life…

I might post a more detailed post about my 2019 life if this current post gets some attention!

Thanks for reading! I hope you are doing well too! And you are staying safe out there!!!

💙💜

Silence

*Trigger Warning; mention of suicide!*

I wrote this poem last night, I lost two of my best friends just because I posed a Facebook post expressing how thankful I am for them and instead of adding just the two of them I added three more friends who I consider them my best friends. I had lost one more best friend in the past and it hurt very much and I had told them how much it had hurt me but they did it too to me! One of my best friends was far more hurt than the other one. And she said that she doesn’t consider me as her best friend anymore and the other one has been ghosting me definitely choosing her over me. But suddenly, everything wrong in my life came crashing down. And suddenly I feel that I’m done…so done trying to be hopeful, trying to be positive, to help others, being understanding and being the bigger person when I’m always being screwed over….

Anyways, like always, no one is going to read this.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.

With loving, supportive parents, at least on the outside.

They let her study her favorite career choice yet they failed to read or listen to her voice.

Whenever she would speak, a sentence or a word, they would interrupt her. 

Changing the topic, insulting her storytelling choice or add their experience.

The little girl patiently waiting for her turn to add, to contribute.

It never came.

The little girl decided that she won’t stop trying to get her voice heard.

But she will never beg for it.

She will start to talk and when she will get interrupted she will stop talking altogether, wait and see who noticed.

Days went by, weeks went by, months went by, years went by.

No one noticed.

One day the little girl woke up and she had enough.

She put her best dress or her best pants.

She did her hair perfectly.

She packed her bags and then she opened the door of her home and left.

No word.

No nothing.

Besides, a notebook on top of her desk in her room with all the unsaid words written inside it finally said somewhere.

Hours passed and lunch was set when her parents decided to go to her room and a frightful sight was met.

The little girl, unfortunately, was never able to physically leave her home.

Only her mind could.

Only her soul would.

Now her parents had the soulless, lifeless body of their little girl and a book full f her unsaid words.

Words that were too late to be said or heard.

If only they listened instead of allowing silence to reign over their little girl.

If only silence hadn’t come.

If only the parents and the world listened.

If….only….

Masked Insult Into An Advice

Hi, I’m 20 years old and I’m not where I want to be.

I’m 20 years old, I weight 106 Kg = 233 lbs. My height is 1.70 meters = 5.5 feet.

For society and for everyone around me I’m fat.

I haven’t been posting here a lot because I went through some things but I didn’t think they were worthy enough to post on here until something happened repeatly. I’m mentioning them to my previous post; https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/2019/09/04/are-you-happy-ma-you-broke-me/

I have two best friends…if god can call them that…their names shall stay hidden because they are the only friends I have.

I don’t blame them but it bothers me they said/say those things. I do understand they have different lives and different difficulties but it hurts when they say those things.

So, my best friends, Maxie (not her real name) and Jenny (not her real name). Maxie was born in a hard working family and she was the surprise baby and the youngest in her family, she spoiled and she is “daddy this” and “daddy that” but she is also hard working, she works two jobs yet she acts self absorbed so much that she calls me only to tell me about her day and when she asks about mine she has no time to listen (conviniently). She can be high maintance and gets bored easily whenever she would be ignored by me or the group we are hanging out with she will pinch us or whine or hit us or srcatch us in order to turn our attention to her…just like a dog if you ask me. At the same time she is gossiping and critisizing other people badly and I wonder if ever have been the topic of critique with her other friends. Also, she never refers to me as her best friend but when Jenny is around she is calling us her besties…which confuses me.

Jenny on the other hand we had a similar upbringing…she was/is mildly abused at home by her parents and older brother yet she can’t stop talking about all the good times. She is a daydreamer, she loves to write stories, listening to instrumental music and staying at home, she doesn’t drink alcohol and she is working hard on everything she puts her mind into. She wants to be happy with people that love her and support and they are honest and not violent. She wants to be told she good and appreciated.

I loved hanging out with them they helped me get out of my depression. They used to be kind. Maybe I changed but…

Their behavior changed…

Jenny got together with her ex before her most recent ex and at the same time Maxie found a boyfriend too so I was left the only one without a boyfriend and suddenly it started.

We got together and I joked that I was the only one being signle and they said and I quote/translate;

“If you shave your hands’ hair and wear something more seductive you might get one.”

“If you lose some weight and wear more makeup then you would be fine.”

“You know if you went out to clubs more maybe you would meet someone.”

They know or at least I had told them why I don’t wear seductive clothes, why I don’t drink and why I don’t like going to clubs.

Yet they don’t allow me to speak about things that bother me such as my ex best friend and what has been going on at home.

And if I manage to start a conversation about those said topics they act as if it’s the first time they hear it and they throw a “It’s over now don’t think about it” line and they change topic…like what the fuck?! I started this conversation because I wanted to disscuss about it!

It reached to a point that I didn’t want to share my news with them.

It reached to a point that I didn’t share my news with them. And they get angry when they figure it out or learn it after it happened.

For example, for those who have no idea here’s the reasons why I don’t wear makeup, I don’t shave my arm hairs, why I don’t drink. why I don’t wear seductive clothes and why I don’t go out to clubs;

1. I don’t wear makeup because I already have a history with acne and eye-allergies which sometimes get triggered when I try to wear mascara or eyeshadow. And also because I like how I see myself in the mirror. I like how I can play with the tones of my lipstick and leave the rest of my face makeup-free. I also like how I can go to any public bathroom if need to wash my face and get the oil off my face without having to do much of touch up and I can changed the tone of my lipstick much quicker to fit the occasion. Plus, I wear glasses and when long eyelashes + mascara + glasses = disaster glasses since I open and close my eyes and mascara goes on my glasses! It’s annoying! Lastly, when I laugh most times I tend to tear up and if I don’t wear mascara or anything else I can easily wipe it and call it a day and I won’t look like a panda.
2. I don’t shave my arm hair because my cousin once did and then she had problems with the hairs growing back more sharp and she had pimples, itchiness and it hurt whenever she wore long-sleeves or gloves since she is a Geologist. I already have pimples in my arms from the hairs and because I use them as a form of self-harm…i know it’s bad. Plus I’m already dealing with the same problem with the hairs on my legs and other areas such as armpits which is enough for me!
3. I don’t drink for many reasons, growing up I saw how addiction runs in both sides of the family. In my mum’s side is the alcoholism, depression, obssesive compulsive disorder, drugs and domestic abuse. While in my dad’s side it’s addiction to painkillers, obssesive compulsive disorder (again) and pathologically lying. Plus you can add to both sides autoimmune diseases and cancer which medication forbid alchohol consumption. Growing up seening incidents from both side I grew up disliking the smell of alcohol and ciggarates and the sight of meds, hospitals, assylyms and waiting corridors. I promised to myself that allow myself to be addicted to food and chocolate only! I won’t smoke, I won’t do drugs, I won’t drink and I’ll try to take care of my mental and physical health. I failed at the two last things. At 17 got diagnosed with autoimmune disease No 1; Hashimoto Thyriods which made me gain weight. At 18 I got diagnosed with autoimmune disease No 2: Osteoathritis Chondropathy located to my knees and spreading to my hips and wrists slowly and painfully. At 8 my paternal aunt’s psychiatrist saw some drawings of mine and we talked for a bit and “unofficially” diagnosed me with depression and warned my dad. I started to see signs of self-destrictive syndrom at age 9 and at the age of 15 I was forced by my then friends to drink alcohol and I didn’t like how it made me feel, I started to think very dark thoughts darker then the ones in my mind on a daily bases. Also every since I was 7 mum smoked in the house and I felt like my lungs were closing in on me and it made me tear up and starve for oxygen.
4. I don’t wear seductive clothes because I learned a very “awaking” lesson when I was 12 during PE. I decided to go to the bathroom during class and I heard the teacher allowing another one to go, we had a rule only two students at the time in the bathroom and mostly boys-girls pairs. I was coming out of the girls bathroom when my bully who was also in the same class prevented me from going any further he tried to touch me (if you understand what I mean) I kneed him in the balls and run but I didn’t run fast enough, next thing I know I’m hit in the back of my head with a mop handler and then procedded to be beating with it until I begged him to stop. He did but before I could react he was on top of me and tried to undo my tracksuit! I fought back, I hit him with my knee in the back of his head then I headbutted him and knocked him out then I run to my PE teacher with a bloody nose, a headache and couple bruises, thank god! It could have ended differently but that day I wasn’t dressed seductively I was wearing a jumper and a tracksuit. Then I started to dress with baggy clothes and then I started to gain weight so men didn’t pay much attention to me. Also, I asked my dad to teach me self defense in order to be ready. But that day I learned that they would attack you no matter how you dress. But the right attention shouldn’t be earned by how you dress but how you act and how you talk to others.
5. I don’t go to clubs because I don’t like the music their playing and what could happen if you are alone. I heard many horror stories. I prefer to stay safe in my home with TV shows. I like going to bistros where I can drink or eat something while my friends drink and we can hear one another.

Back to the point, I’m growing tired how I can’t talk about things I truly care. I feel unheard and that they either hang out with me because of pity or because I might give great advice.

Also, it might be all in my head or a portion of it. But It can’t be all! I just don’t know do I ask a lot in the friend department? Are all friendships the same or is it just me that attracts people like that?

I really don’t know..

Thanks for reading my previous post, I really appreciate it! I hope you enjoy this one just as much!

Are You Happy, Ma? You Broke Me.

Warning this following post might be triggering for some, if any reads it, also it might be offensive to some. Also, it will be a rant. You’ve been warned.

Things have been bad lately.

Money have be short and It’s all my fault.

At least that is what I believe.

I’ve been looking for a job but I don’t want to sell myself to them.

I’ve been looking for a job but no one wants to hire me because I’m not enough.

I’ve graduated college and I’m looking for my rescidency but no one wants me because I’m not enough. Or they found somebody else.

Aunt Helena who was “kind” enough to allow me to let me stay in her house for two years while making my parents go through hell in their own home by criticizing them and their way of life. They can’t defend themselves and say what they really want to say because if they kick her out she will kick me out. And I had college. So they suffered.

Aunt Helena was sneaky enough to lure me in making me feel safe and understood when in reality she waited for my trust and once she got it and she started using all my fears, all my insecurities against me. Just like mum and dad. Just like my sister.

How you dress? How you look. How you are fat. How you are not doing anything correct. How you are not always cleaning the house properly.

Aunt Helena didn’t raise her hand against me to bruise like mum did but her tongue did the same thing.

In August Aunt Helena said she wanted to rent the room I’ve been staying to some friend of her boyfriend. And I should leave.

And go where? Home…or at least late grandma’s house.

Good thing I was already with my parents when the news broke.

Quick find a job. Quick find a residency. Two quick trips to Thessaloniki to try to make sense of this mess. No actual help. No actual news.

Send messages. Send resemes. Send e-mails. Two no’s out of the 6 maybe 7 people I asked for a residency. Too many no’s to count from jobs.

I subscibed to every job site on Google I’m not good enough for any of them and to whoever I e-mailed my reseme got no answer.

It’s Semptember and I want…or at least I wanted to do my residency in October…but I doubt it will happen. Which means I won’t get my degree.

Mum and dad try to force me to consider doing my residency in Athens and not Thessaloniki but I don’t want to go to the capital because there is too much violence and criminal activity and it’s far away. I have already learned Thessaloniki and I have a friend there (not a boyfriend) with whom I can hang out and talk. In Athens I’ll be by myself. In Thessaloniki I can commute every day If Aunt Helena kicks me out in order to rent the room.

Today, Wednsday 4th of September 2019 during lunch the topic of my residency rose again and mum said that i’m being lazy and not looking hard enough.

Today, Wednsday 4th of September 2019, at 1 pm having slept at 4 am mum yelled at me to wake up, she then started to yell at me for various things. I tried my best to correct my mistakes without a word. Aunt Helena is with us (yesterday she returned) and had a fight with mum about where mum stores her towels and sheets in the house. Mum proceeded to be mad and moody and then started yelling at me. Trying to make me feel as bad as her.

She successed it.

Now, I feel even more of a failure than the rest of the days.

Today I want to die.

Today I want to grab a knife and slit my wrist and let them bleed. Today I want to stab myself in the gut and let myself die. Not carrying of the pain.

If I can’t find a job and a residency in order to start raising money and being able to find a home so I can leave the toxic people I was raised amongst I will kill myself. Goals and dreams of a future be damned!

I can’t keep bottling things in and in and in.

I can’t barerly hold my tears. I can barerly hold my sobs. I try to be okay with a few minutes of soundless sobbing and crying in the bathroom and then face those voltures.

I’ve been doing it since I was five and I’m 20 years old now. I can’t bare it anymore. I raised so many walls. I raised so many shields. They cracked so many times. I tried to build them back up but fuck I can’t keep repairing them because they can’t hold on as they did.

I’m sorry eight-year-old me. I failed you and our escape plan. I’m sorry I can’t take you away from the abuse and toxic eniviroment. I tried.

I’m sorry.

I know no one cares and no one will read this since no one cares about this page. But I can’t hold it in anymore. I need an outlet.

Taking A Risky Step

Hello, everyone! I hope everything is going well in your lives and if it’s not then i send you positive vibes your way to help you through it, also, remember that through hardships we grow!

Anyways, I making this quick post to let you all know, those who care and read my posts… That I took a very risky step.

You see i’m close to graduating college and I should be studying for exams but instead I wasted all my morning looking for a job and sending a reseme out.

That was when I realized that couple weeks ago I made an account to a new site called Daisie.com where a bunch of artists post and ask donations and help with their projects and I made an account in hopes of finding a job since I will graduate from college with a degree in Filmmaking and Scriptwriting.

But in order to get attention you should post some of your projects.

For weeks, I dreaded the thought. I had nothing.

Or so I thought!

I took the steps, today, after I sent my first reseme and decided to upload some photos I had taken at my college town’s port a day I had attended a Street Film Festival my college created and a Natural History Exhibition with a very good friend of mine, Karen, and I had take some pretty cool shots of the sunset and the sea.

So, I upload them on the site!

Then I wanted to upload and a story I had written just to showcase what I like doing so people can see!

AND I DID IT!

So, if anyone has an account on http://www.daisie.com and feels like following new people, feel free to follow me!

Here is my link: https://www.daisie.com/vasilikitzalachani

I hope I see some sort of response to be 100% honest…

Okay, that is all I wanted to say! Now, I have to go study! Next post it probably be another weird dream of mine since I saw some response and I’m so glad that you guys liked it!

See ya, next time!

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Vivid Dreams Are Sometimes Memorable.

I used to have vivid dreams all my life and in this post I’m going to share two dreams that have impacted my life. This post will mark the 1st post of the Dream section of this site, I hope you gonna like!

Enjoy!

• 1st Dream:

I remember I was around the age of 14 and I dreamed that I was holding a newborn baby boy and I was walking through this dark hall that used to exist in my home at the time and I was heading towards the living room where my dad and an unknown boy were sitting watching Baseball which I found it weird since I’m Greek and we don’t watch Baseball…

I remember that I felt such shame and I wasn’t welcomed to sit with them so I walked towards the window where the blinders and shutters were down and I tried to see outside but my dad told me to hide away from the window.

I felt hurt and sad that my dad used this cold tone with me but I swallowed it and I tried to show my son the world outside using a soft tone.

I felt this immense love and affection for him that it was overwhelming for me, i couldn’t fathom it in a way.

I still remember to this day the smell, the feeling of the holding him and how the blanket and how skin felt under my fingertips.

After a few more minutes of showing my son the room I sat with my dad and that boy. I sat on the floor Indian style while my son was in my dad’s arms.

I mindlessly watched the game not caring nor understanding it.

Then my son started to cry and I knew he was hungry so I took him from my dad and we went to the kitchen where I fed him with a bottle while singling to him.

Then I tell him that I will never let him down and I’ll always protect him.

Then I’m awakened by my alarm clock but I felt this wave of loss and withdrawal that I wanted to go back to sleep and see my son again to the point I secretly cried while getting ready for school.

• 2nd Dream:

I’m sitting in the kitchen of my parent’s house and i’m feeling stressed and angry and i have my hands rubbing my face and hand and as i let them down i see my mum and my aunt fighting about something i think it’s stupid. Then i see my sister and my dad also there sitting next to me. Then i stand up and i go to the living room aka my room when i’m with them and i start to pack my things and i’m sad but the feeling i’m feeling the most is anger.

Then i marched through the door and i’m going out just then i come face to face with a guy from the apartment on my left and somehow i know his name is Gregory and as we see each other with sigh in a tired tone and we get into the elevetor and then we burst out laughing and it’s a nervous laugh. I see he has a bag too and i somehow know he is running away too.

We walk together to the bus station which is near my house you just walk down the road for ten minutes and you are there both in the dream and real life.

Then we get a bus for my college town aka Thessaloniki and from the we take a bus for a town in Spain. But here is the thing, Gregory and I had played rock paper sizzors sho(e), he wanted Italy and i wanted Spain and i won (because it’s my dream ahahahaha).

As we board the bus i see a goth couple in front of our seats, the woman was searching for camping gear on Amazon and then man was reading a travel guide. To our right it’s a red headed man that was reading Heracles Puraro in Albanian and the couple before him they are Hippies playing a word game on their phone and they were fighting about some word and points. Somehow i felt connected to them and i smile at them and they are waving at us.

We sit down to our seats and soon enough the bus starts and i fall asleep. I’m shaken out of my sleep and it’s night out and Gregory tells me that we are stopping for twenty minutes because the driver has a cramp and i rush to the bathroom with both Goth woman and the Hippy woman and we a laughing because they are three stools and we all wanted to go.

The Goth woman named Anna tells me that she has a clock and she timed it and that we shouldn’t worry. Once we are done we go and buy bunch of snacks and we run back into the bus just in time. The boys told us that they had a similar bathroom experience.

Soon we were all laughing and exchanging stories.

Somehow i blink and i’m in a very cute apartment and my alarm clock is ringing. I get up and get ready and for some reason i’m so happy i think i will explode!

Then i go to a small tourist cafe where an old lady by the name of Estella, a second generation immigrant from Greece to Spain, owns the cafe and she had hired me because of my good English and the awesome coffee i make. I see myself working and i feel whole for some reason and very lightweighted.

As i take a break i ask Estella in great Spanish i might add if i could have 31st of August up to 23rd of September free for a trip Gregory and i are planning. She says yes and i hug her then i invite her too.

Somehow i found myself surrounded with clothes and suitaces while Gregory yells from the bathroom if we will need to pack shampoo just in case the hotel has something that i’m allergic to. I yell yes as i pack. Then i feel something hitting me in my head and it’s a loofa and Gregory is laughing his ass off.

Next thing i know we are on a bus and i know that in order to be here we had to have taken an airplane and as i look around i see the Hippie couple now i know they are named Elena and Stathis, the Goth couple named Anna and Eric and the red head dude named Spiros and of course Estella and we are complaining to each other about the delay we had on the airport.

During that i seem to stare at Spiros while i try to realize where i have seen him before in that moment i realize it’s all a dream and Spiros is the guy i had seen three more times in different dreams (i will post about it someday). As i blink again we are in a tavern and we are eating and drinking and i know we are drunk because we are doing pretty stupid stuff like attempting to dance and falling down and we say stories and repeat ourselves yet we laugh even harder. Now i’m sitting next to Spiros and Gregory next to Anna and they look pretty cozy and i’m confused then i remember a piece of information about Anna and Eric they aren’t a couple but brother and sister and Gregory is dating Anna and plans to propose tonight by the sea.

While i hold hands with Spiros as we laugh to a story about Estella’s brother and his first attempt at fishing. Then a family from the table behind us ask us to keep quiet and i look at them and yell “Sorry. We will try to keep our voices down” in German which shocks me and i look at them and they smile as they come and sit with us. Soon all of us are laughing and talking including the Greman family.

As i stand up to go ask for more Ouzo and water i hear the bell of the tarven’s door and i see my parents and sister walking in they haven’t seen me yet but i feel true horror as i franticaly kick Gregory’s legs and shake my hand to my family’s general direction. Once he sees them he nodds and whispers something to Anna he stands up take the Ouzo and water bottles and then tells me to follow him. I do as i’m told and we give order for the drinks and i pay for the food then he and i sneak out and we go towards the beach the tavern is near to.

There he hugs me and tries to calm me down while i say that i don’t want to go back. He tells me that if i’m forced to go back Estella can and will adopt me if i tell her the abuse i had suffered in and cause me to end up in Spain.

I tell Gregory that if i tell Estella he has to tell Anna and Eric about his abuse too.

We sit by the shore and we throw rocks in it while i tell him how i grew up hearing his parents and siblings fight all the time. He tells me how he remembers when a summer i was visiting my late grandma had called me terrible things that resulted into me grabbing my five year old sister and our stuff and leaving only to spent half of the night in the benches near our house only for my aunt to come and get us back home. He also said that he remembers how i had bang on their door when we were sixteen and yelling at them to shut up because you were studying and how the next day you watched as the police did the same thing and took his parents away for the night.

Then i turn to him and i’m crying and i say that we have to tell them that we are not brother and sister and he hugs me saying how we always be brother and sister because of what keeps us togethers. Then i can see in the distance my sister running yelling my name and i grab Gregory’s hand and we run back to the tavern. There i find our friends who i consider my family waiting for us in order to order desserts. As we order i see my mum staring at me and i pretend i haven’t seen her. I try to act as if i don’t feel my parents’ stares and i laugh as Spiros and Anna attempt to dance tango only for Estella to yell that they are doing it wrong and that this dance it’s Salsa. Then the little girl from the German family stands up and invites me to dance with her to show them what “real” tango looks like. I end up dancing with the little girl in a mocking manner since she is shorted then me and then i picked her up and twirl her around while she giggles. Then her brother wants me to do the same to him and i do. Then i’m asked by the mother of those kids if i and Spiros would like to visit them for Christmas in Oslo and i say that we will think about it. Of course all this conversations happens in German and i can hear my dad asking my mum in Greek when did i learn German.

After we eat the dessert we all stand up and get ready to leave while we hug and say our goodbye to the German family and they promise to call us once they land safely in Oslo since apperantly that day was the last of their vacation.

As i hug them i close my eyes and when i open them i’m standing before a grave and it writes “Estella Loren 1969-2020” And i’m crying while i feel Gregory and Spiros hugging me sayng how it was her time and that she will always watch over me.

I nod as we walk back to the car and i see Anna holding a baby and she is crying too saying how she didn’t expect that she will have a heart attack during the party in her wedding and how she feels guilty about it. Then i know that Gregory and Anna named their daughter after her. As we get into the car i feel something very weird like i’m dizzy and i’m sweating a lot with cold sweat. Anna tells me i’m having an anxiety attack and i look at her in true horror saying how i had nothing to feel anxious about before i couldn’t breathe. Then i faint inside the car.

When i come around i’m in my bed and Gregory tells me that someone is at the door asking for me and i instantly know it’s my sister. I walk to her and i ask her rudely what is she doing here. She tells me how mum and dad were looking for me for years and they were sorry and i should return.

I laugh bitterly but before i could say anything Gregory marches up the door and yells at my sister that i won’t return back to the abusive hell hole and that if they wanted me back they shouldn’t have treated me poorly and showed no support. And that now i had a better family then them. Then he slams the door and i look at him as he hugs me and we both sigh in a tired tone.

Next thing i know i’m in the cafe which now is mine apperantly and i’m taking an order from a group of Swedish tourist when i see two blond teens around the age of thirteen walking in and look around as if they look for someone. I approch them asking if they want something and they smile as both of them jumped in my arms saying how they missed me. Then i remember them it’s the boy and the girl from the German family and for some reason i know i have to see them only one year since after that time we met in the tavern we spent every Christmas holiday with them.

I’m confused and i ask them how Samantha allowed them to travel alone without an adult and they say that their parents are with them but they wanted some “alone time” so they decided to come and help me out in the cafe. I smile and i give them their aprons with their names “Gwen” and “Henry” on them. I kiss their foreheads and wish them good luck in German. As i turn around i see my dad and my mum staring at me sad but i don’t want them here so i ignore them during my shift. When i finish and i’m closing Henry tells me that my parents are still here and refuse to leave until they speak to me. I say okay and i tell them to go back to their hotel and that Spiros and I we will come by once i shower. He nods and runs back inside as i walk towards my parents and i sit next to them.

During the entire dream i felt nothing but happiness and a little dread every time i would see my parents or my sister.

They ask me why i left and i tell them that i was done with the circle of abuse, first mum and aunt then mum and dad towards me and my sister and then between me and my sister. I told them i was tired of fighting and walking on eggshells every day and i was tired of having no support and being told that having depression and anxiety was my fault and it was a result of me being a sensitive child. I was done being told that being sensitve was a weakness when in reality it was my stregnth and then i tell them to look around them and see what i accomplished by being sensitive ol’ me. I had friends that i call them my family, i had a job that i liked and most of all i was in peace. I told them that if something happened right now and i died i would gladly go because i have no unfinished business or burdens to keep me here.

Then i stand up and i tell them to go away because i need to close shop. During my speech i never felt more calm and i had a small smile while my parents looked hurt.

As i’m closing shop i sense Spiros behind me and he hugs me saying how proud he was of me for telling them that. I found it weird since he wasn’t present when i spoke to my parents and he then says that he always hears everything.

Then i laugh and say “Yeah, you’re my guardian angel.” in a sarcastic tone but as i lock and turn to look at him he is dead serious and just stares at me.

“What?” I asked and he saying nothing as we hold hands and we walk away. As i walk to my apartment i have this strong urge to sleep which doesn’t make sense since it’s noon and i had to meet Samantha and the others but i want nothing more but to sleep. I tell to Spiros to wake me up at six thirty so i can have a quick shower and then go meet them. He says he will and then helps get under the covers. As he says good night i just close my eyes and i sigh as i smell the scent of madarin.

Then i wake up and i’m in real life and i smell mandarin because my aunt has shoved a mandarin in my nose to wake me up because i slept through my entire day and it was dark outside again. She told me that she yelled at me and blasted music and even shook me but nothing worked. She told me i was laughing and crying while i was asleep and even sleep talk but she didn’t know what i was saying since it wasn’t Greek or English. Then i asked her if it sounded German or Spanish and she admitted it was a mix of those two…weird…i don’t know German but i do know a little bit of Spanish not enough to communicate but i can understand a few words. Under other circumstances i’m a very light sleeper i wake up when i’m shaken or having music on but this time i didn’t…and honestly that dream was so real and so long that i really thought it was my reality. During my afternoon i couldn’t stop but feel energized and happy but at the same time i wanted to go back to that dream more than anything.

And that concludes two of the most vivid dreams I had. What are your theories on them? What could possibly those dreams mean in your opinion?

Thank you for reading my blog post, I hope you enjoyed it!

I look forward to your comments, please be kind, mean comments will get deleted!

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An Idea I Have For This Page.

Lately, i haven’t been active on here because of college, family, mental health and friends and even self discovery…of sorts.

Which i will explain very soon.

I started this page talking…writing about my life. And i wanted to keep using this page to talk about things that matter to me.

All of you who are reading are welcome to comment under my post sharing your views on things i’m talking/writing about, give advice and such. As i originally had planned.

But now i’m gonna add a new topic. My dreams.

Not the hopes and dreams i have…well maybe i don’t know…

But the dreams i see in my sleep. I have been told many times my dreams are too big and too weird so i thought it would be entertaining to write them somewhere people will read and have fun reading them. And again you are all welcome to comment under them your thoughts on what it could mean or how weird it is (just don’t be mean or else i’ll delete your comment.) and even share a similar one you had if you feel like it.

So? What do you guys say? Do you like that idea?

My Thoughts On Joining A Facebook Support Group Focusing on Depression and Anxiety and Mental Health.

So, hey guys! First and foremost Happy New Year! Secondly, I started writing this post while i was in that group and i was planning on writing about how much it improved my health…but then i felt like my blog post was sort of unfinished and soon enough aka couple months later something happened (read further down to know what) and changed my view on things.

I hope you enjoy it and not get offended, remember that is my opinion shaped by my experience!

A year ago i was feeling really low and i was struggling to keep a positive mind set when i decided to stalk for lack of better words my ex best friend on Facebook when a thought struck me;

“Why should i inflict pain in me from seeing how happy she is without me? Why instead of seeing someone else’s happiness why don’t i try to make myself happy?”

And like that i found myself searching for a Facebook Support Group.

I found one that was close (secret) group and i asked to join. They accepted me.

I found real support through it but i had to post many times in order to achieve them which meant i had to share my story in order to have support and to comment on posts, you know make my presence known.

After that during July a girl named Krystal asked me if i wanted to join the team meaning that i will either be a Head Admin, an Admin, Page Supervisor or Moderator. I was given the title of Moderator and of course i accepted.

I was so excited and anxious to help and make new friends that they can understand and relate with me.

So i said yes….and boarded the rollercoster ride…

For a couple months everything was perfect and i felt suported more than ever! I made new friends that i saw myself trusting because they were going through similar shit like i did and even at times worse.

I also learnt many things on how a team works and how it feels to have a support system you can fall back into and how it feels not having to defend yourself all the time because they were people who defended you also. That feeling was so great that i could get used to it.

Then the woman that suggested me to become a Moderator threw me under the bus by saying how i was stealing members for another support group…i didn’t even know the other group but another person dmed me with a link for a group and i didn’t know or could recall a rule of not being part of another support group…more support can do no harm i thought…

My my my!

I joined and i saw Krystal and some other people from the team and naively i thought

“Oh! Great! Familiar faces! Coo!”

Then i left my computer for a few hours because i needed to go to the bathroom and when i returned i was removed AND blocked!

I spent an entire night being completely sad and confused!

Then a Head Admin send me a message that said;

“Due to what we learnt regarding you we didn’t like it and thus we removed and blocked you indefinetly.”

I refused to believe that and take the accusation so i reached out to another Admin that we were close and i asked if she could ask around and learn why this happened.

But she didn’t manage so i decided to reach out to “the big guns” and i contacted the creator of the group and i learnt that Krystal threw me under the bus and i explain my case.

And i was back in.

I had deleted all the friends i had made through the group the night before in a way to make moving on easier.

I explained to all what happened and i told them i understood that they wouldn’t trust me.

Everything was okay regarding the video and my actual life in college got very busy and so i wasn’t that active in the group.

The we come to a few days ago i was told that i would be told that i will be removed from the team because i wasn’t very active…

BUT!

BUT!

But i had let them know on December 22nd that i would be very busy and i may or may not be able to be active on the group for a few days including December 27th.

And on December 27th i was to be removed due to not being so active for two days! TWO DAYS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

Besides when i was online and asking if they needed help they would ignore me of they would see that i’m working on a pending post and go right ahead approve it while i was trying to see if it’s fitted!

I contact the person that told me i would be removed and told her that i had let them know i would be busy and you know what they said?

“Okay, that’s really all i needed to know, you took it al from different places and put it in one place. It’s hard to keep up with everyone’s scheduales and all the changes that occur. I’m sure now that the holiday is almost past things will settle down. So do what you normally do and we’ll take it from there. Thanks for responding.”

Okay…

Again that message was sent to me from the Admin that when previously i was removed and blocked tried to help me…

Or did she?

From the moment i knew i had to solve it myself so i posted on Admin page and i told a piece of my mind aka that i had let them know i would be busy and if they really wanted to kick me out then they shall do it.

I never saw their answers because i closed Facebook and i went to do the dishes and put christmas lights on my room.

When i returned i was removed.

But not blocked.

Then i contacted the Head Admin that removed me and i told her that i had let them know and i thought it was unfair and that if it was about me saying that i was friend with a member that was removed a few weeks prior by her because what she did pissed her off wasn’t right to do it via the page because that was totally personal beef and her asnwer was this:

“Head Admins held a vote regarding this decision. I do apologise if you feel hurt in anyway. After new year let’s touch base, it is nothing personal hun. I have no beef with you at all.”

Um…so many people had problem with me.

Ouch.

Thank God i was busy and i am busy with real life but since i was just removed from the team and i’m still in the group it’s not all that bad and in the group they are far too many people who don’t know me but what i fear is that in order to post something it needs approval now and if it they don’t like me since they voted to remove me they could easily keep me from posting anything saying how i don’t follow the rules and then kick me out completely.

Thus my trust in them had vanished, i posted three times since then one testing if they will or won’t approve it and they did approve it. Then i wished them all Happy New Year and then i uploaded photos of my hometown being dressed in white because it snowed. But i don’t trust them with my inner thought anymore.

I didn’t trust them fully again back then when they blocked me and removed me the first time but now the trust i had in them, the little bit of it that had left, vanished.

I can’t seem to move past it and start posting again but here is where things get tricky…

I don’t know if all my post that i have made in the past which are too personal, i might add, will be deleted along with me or stay behind. If they stay behind i don’t want them to…but i can’t delete all of them because some of them was in the Admin page which i have no access in anymore.

I really want to leave and join another support group but i’m afraid that i might repeat history…

So i won’t for now. See how i can handle it.

Ever since i became a Moderator i had no time for writing i noticed maybe i will go back into it and be more active maybe get some people reviewing/commenting on my stories again.

But the saddest thing about this is that i trusted them and they left me…

No wonder i’m both in real life and digital life afraid to trust.

I am truly alone…

I have my family but because family sometimes becomes the problem and i can’t fullfil all my social needs with family it’s unhealthy and impossible.

So, yeah, we are back to square one having no support and looking into my hobbies to push the dark thoughts to the back of my mind.

What i learnt from all of this?

NEVER TRUST A SUPPORT GROUP.

You can’t know when you will be removed and blocked.

So better reach out for free counseling than join a Facebook support group for mental health.

Another flaw i noticed is how everyone even the supposedly team had no PhDs in Psychology yet they wanted to approve and disapprove post, who gave you the right? Huh? Also, you can’t tell which post are triggering and who are not for the rest of people because everyone has different triggers if something triggers you it might not trigger someone else! What triggers you must trigger the others isn’t a criteria to base what post will be published.

First rule of becoming better is ranting out and talking about your problems with raw words without worrying that you might trigger someone.

You weren’t allowed to do that in that group…pfffts and then they say “support group”.

Another flaw i saw is that the entire team had mental health problems some very serious and unfortunately you are not fitter to run a support group when every time you decided to run it you get overwhelmed and leave and leave the Admins and Head Admins and whatnot handle it and then you return and you demand to be respected and follow your rules and way of working since you’ve been gone for so long and there was another pace established.

You might have all the good intentions to create a safe free space for people with mental health but you have no right to judge what people can and can’t post because you, yourself are suffering from different mental health issues, and you can’t judge which post is fitting. I’m not saying that having mental health makes you unable to have choice. No! I’m saying that having mental health issues and running a mental health support group is a big no no beause you are not in the right headspace to judge what post are appropoited and which are not.

I also i’m not saying that having a PhD does but it helps you because YOU ARE A DOCTOR and you can distinguish when and which post may or may not be okay to let other people with mental healths see or read.

I found this way of working very flawed because even though i approved and disaprroved/deleted posts i felt like i was muting people’s thoughts and i felt very guilty.

So, yeah you are safer reach out to an actual real life support group or free counsiling than digital one.

And again remember that this is my opinion and it might differ than yours and i respect that. So, don’t be mean in the comments when you read, if you do.

Anyhow, happy new years and i will make a post in a few days about how i feel about 2018 and what i look forword in 2019.

If you are interested to read my stores check them out in the following links:

Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/Vicky1599

Fanfiction.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/~vickytzalachani

But if you also want to check my photography follow me on Instagram:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vickytzalachani/?hl=el

As for my following social media:

Quora: https://www.quora.com/profile/Vasiliki-Tzalachani

Pinterest: https://gr.pinterest.com/tzalachani/

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcxyLCt6XQzFl38E18R2YWw?view_as=subscriber

Tumblr: http://fandom-girl-99.tumblr.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/TVDvicky

Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/user/fanfictionmusiclover

This Blog: https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/

And that is the end! Bye!!!

Even more tired but now you can add hopeless to the mix…awesome!

Since no one gives a shit about what i write here or anywhere really i’m going to say it…

I AM TIRED OF LIVING THIS LIFE!

SO FUCKING OVER IT!

I DISAPOINT EVERYONE.

I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE NOT EVEN MY OWN FUCKING BODY!

I JUST WANT TO DIE AND BE DONE WITH IT!

I MEAN COME ON I’M 19 GOING 20 AND I HAVE ACCOMPLISH ZERO STUFF….OTHER PEOPLE ARE LIKE BILLIONAIRES AND I’M JUST SITTING HERE TYPING THIS SHIT!

I’M DONE TRYING TO BE A CARING GOOD FRIEND SINCE I WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF LIKE 1000000000 TIMES 10 IN GOGLEPLEX PERCENT SURE.

I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER/SISTER/NIECE AND ALL THAT SHIT SINCE I WON’T BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.

I’M DONE TRYING TO BE HELPFUL TO PEOPLE IN THE FACEBOOK SUPPORT GROUP ABOUT DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY (A WHOLE DIFFERENT POST I’M STILL WORKING ON IT) I BECAME A MODARATOR IN SINCE I LOST TWO DAYS BECAUSE MY PHONE IS BROKEN AND I WAS TRYING TO BE A GOOD SISTER/HOSTESS AND DAUGHTER THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS TRYING TO BE PRESENT AND ALL THAT SHIT!

AND WHAT I GOT?

NADA!

I’M ONLY TIRED! I JUST WANT TO FALL ASLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP…OR WHEN I WILL WAKE UP TO FEEL RESTED.

THAN YOU CAN ADD SCHOOL TO THAT MIX AND THE TWO MOVIES I NEED TO GIVE IN FEBUARY AND I HAVEN’T FINISHED ANY BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE TIME!

SO THIS YEAR OF 2019 I WON’T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE IT….BECAUSE I WILL GIVE UP FIGHTING AND MAYBE KILL MYSELF IF I DON’T DIE BY SOME OTHER WAY…BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK AND THOSE WHO DO GIVE A FUCK THEY HAVE TO BECAUSE WE ARE BIOLOGICALLY LINKED IF WE WEREN’T I WOULD BE COMPLETELY ALONE.

SEE YA NEVER!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Friend Hierarchy? What?

Okay, i have been wrecking my brain to come up with a next blog post topic but every time i think of something then i change my mind and then college and other life stuff get in the way. Until right now…enjoy the blog post!

So, today is my friend’s Mhnas pronnounced “Minas” birthday and i just wished him on Facebook.

That got me thinking about conversation i had with him couple months ago…

But first i need you to learn about my friends;

I, Mhnas and my friend Maria 1 have been together since High school then you can add to our little group our friends Christina, Theodora, Zorzet, Dimitra, Elsa, Panayiota and Dimitris. Those are the only people that sticked around after we graduated…or to be more preciese we kept in touch.

Dimitra and Elsa we stopped talking because our roads divided and i’m okay with it.

Panayiota, i met her last year, i knew of her and i haven’t been around her much but she is very good girl and she is best friends with Theodora, Christina and Dimitris since they were in diapers.

I met Christina through Theodora and she was going to the same school as my cousins so i had seen her around a lot but we only started talking after Theodora arranged a get together after the Final Exams back when i was in my second year of Senior High School and from that day on we became great friends.

I met Theodora through school and Dimitra because we were hanging all of us in a group with other people i haven’t named yet. And we sticked around because we have fun when we get together and she is a very kind girl!

I met Mhnas in the 3rd year of Junior High School and he apprached me and asked me if i wanted to come with him and join his group since i was the new girl, from them on we shared our passion about TV shows and movies other kids didn’t know. That resulted during High School to attend Comic Con and Anime Con that had happened in my now college town. He had became one of my best friends and the only boy i allowed to physically come close to me without me going into a defense mode….meaning i wasn’t afraid of him…it was very hard for me to do that and it took me three years to manage to be within one or two feet away from me and me not going into an anxiety attack or have very bad flashbacks…

I met Maria 1 in High School the first year and her then best friend Antonia we hang out a lot because they were girls that understood how hard life can be, Maria, had moved many times because her home got robbed. Antonia had lost her eldest brother and both of them were bullied a lot in school plus Maria’s positive attitude made me forget my struggles with depression and anxiety. Her behavior taught me how to act like a teenager plus we had great conversations.

I met Maria 1’s cousin Eva through Dimitra because she was hanging out with us and honestly Eva has been the most stable person in my life, i know i can tell her things i normally don’t tell to everyone and she seems to be very cool person. I still hang out with her and we used to go to the same college but she graduated last year.

I met Nicole the first day of Senior High School i was suffering an anxiety attack because i feared and i was hell-bent sure that i would be alone here this year too when Nicole, Eva and another girl i knew from the 3rd Year of Junior High named also Maria approached me and sat by my side on the bench and asked my name. Nicole became the girl that i knew she can understand how difficult it is to move on from abuse, she is a survivor of domestic abuse and she was bullied yet she knew how awesome she was. She always helped me calm down whenever i would experience a flashback triggered either by a sound or smell. She had found me once crying in the bathroom because my paternal grandma had just died and she had hugged me until i stopped crying.

I met Maria 2 in the 3rd Junior Year because the teachers introduced me to her because she was bullied at school and they thought me being a surivor of bullying could help her…i couldn’t but we became friends, her friendship helped me understand the signs of depression after seeing them on her and then i spot them on me too. I started researching about Depression firstly in order to help her but i couldn’t help her and me at the same time so we stopped…no, i stopped hanging out with her and worked on myself and on the first day of Senior High we reconnected and we are still in touch.

I met Elsa the second half of my first year of Senior High school, she was the new girl and one year older than me and old best friend of Maria 1 and we were seated next to each other and we became very good friends, we also shared same day birthday. Then i started wittnessing things like marks on her hands and stuff like that soon enough i uncovered that she was suffering domestic abuse at home and whenever she would break with guys she would self harm….i had tried many many times to help her but she didn’t want me to take action she just wanted me to listen to her, be the only person who knew and i became that…now we don’t speak because i have tried to arrange to meet many times these past two years but she always cancels and in general our common interests stopped existing after graduation.

I met Dimitra through Nicole the first day of Senior High, both her and Nicole were in their second year of senior high and i stucked around because they enterntained me with how loud they were. I never really learnt much about Dimitran not like i did with the rest of the group, it took me 8 months to tell her anything about myself other than my last name something about her demenor didn’t allow me to trust her…she seemed…too far away…like she didn’t care about any of us and that she was keeping us around just so she wouldn’t be alone during school hours. Then during my second year and third year for her i found myself in her inner circle for some reason…i was invited to clubs and bbqs at her house. The only thing i did was being honest with her and not being afraid to tell her when she was wrong unlike Nicole and Eva did. I never hid my displeasure or my concern when it came to Dimitra’s behavior. That continued for one more year until i graduated and started college…Dimtra got pregnant and married and somehow i felt that i couldn’t keep up with her life, we were in complete different stages of life and like that our connection was lost. Of course during our…friendship she never could relate with things i liked or the things i went through so whenever i was around her i put a brave face on and tried to talk about my problems less to the point i wasn’t speaking at all even if i did it was regarding something someone did in the group and nothing about myself.

I met Zorzet when i was sitting the Pan-Helenic Exams and we met through Maria 1, they were good friends, and i instantly liked her, something connected us. It was our love for instrumental music and writing that made us talk about books and brainstorm ideas for hours. Last year Maria 1 and her became best friends and somehow i found myself talking with them every day and even multiple times a day. Soon i realized that those two became my best friends. Zorzet and i we talk all the time on the phone and Maria 1 calls more frequently than occasionally and those two help me deal with my anxiety and depression by being the light in the darkness, meaning when i’m sad i know i can call them and they will make me smile.

Now that you know the background of my friends let’s go back to Mhnas.

Mhnas and Maria 1 were great friends during High Shcool but lost touch so i arrange a rainy weekend of October to get together for hot chocolate for them to catch up. I was smiling all the time when i realized something…Mhnas was talking about things he didn’t with me aka about girls.

During the last two years Mhnas, Christina, Theodora, Panayota and Dimitris have become a tight group and i only get invited when they want me and whenever i go out with them i feel left out because they talk about people and things i know nothing about…i get emotionally tired whenever i visit them…i feel such a crap of a friend when that happens.

That same feeling returned when i arranged the reunion between Mihnas and Maria 1…i felt like if i stood up and went to the bartender paid for my hot chocolate and i walked out of the coffee shop they wouldn’t even realize i was gone until it was time to go. I came very close into making my daydream a reality when Maria 1 asked us if we wanted to walk around a bit before she had to catch the bus back home and we did just than.

During our stroll Mhnas and Maria 1 acted like i wasn’t there they didn’t even allowed me to speak…i spent hours daydreaming many things and doing a little bit of landscape photography completely giving up on trying to keep up with them. I started walking a few feet away from them with my headphones on and i marvelled the rainy pavements we walked on.

The time came when Maria 1 had to leave and i was left alone with Mhnas and right then and there witnessed how Mhnas’ behavior changes when we were alone and when we were surrounded by friends. He went from cheery and joking to calm and collected person and it was downright awkward for a few minutes…i swear to God i could cut the awkward with a knife if i had one with me…

I remembered back then Christina’s question if i knew if Mhnas liked any girl and my answer was a negative one, Mhnas, never talked about girls around me.

Then i proceeded to ask him the question Maria 1 and Christina failed finding an answer to.

“Why don’t you speak about girls with me? Have you talked with Christina about such topic?”

I know it might have been not my right to ask him but come on! I knew him longer than he knew Christina and Maria 1 combined!

His answer was like a stab.

“I don’t trust you in order to talk to you about girls unlike Maria 1 and Christina whom i trust far more than i do when it comes to you.”

Fuck!

What the fuck?

I felt in that moment like shit…i trusted him and he doesn’t. I laughed at that moment but my prespective of him forever changed. He was no longer my best friend in my mind.

When we met Theodora a few minutes later Mhnas went back to being the cheery and joking person but i could see through his facade.

I felt horrible…i felt betrayed and i wonder what i did to him in order not to trust me…i run with my mind all the times we were together and all the times all those girls said how weird Mhnas was and how i had defended his honor by saying that he was fun and nice guy…

I felt alone.

Ironically, a few hours before i learnt about where his trust laid, i had told my mother how greatful i was to have Mhnas as my friend…

I didn’t know and still don’t know how to process what Mhnas told me….

Mhnas keeps inviting me out and to get togethers but health problems and college hasn’t given me the opportunity to meet him and the rest of the group. But recently i suffered a very bad migrane that resulted in me fainting for 13 minutes and when i came around i saw blood on my nose and i had to go to the Neurologist and she sent me for MRI and other head related tests it took me a week to get them done and during that period he invited me to a get together but because i was in the bus towards our hometown and it was late and i had a headache i told him no. The second time he invited me i arrived late and he was gone.

When i told him about my migrane and the doctor’s appointment he acted very ignorant…he said a “yeah okay” similar answer Maria 1 gave me when i told her about it a day after i suffered it. In contrast when i told Zorzet of my episode she grilled me for details and she got geniunely worried unlike Mhnas and Maria 1.

I made peace with Maria 1’s behavior because that is her character, she is ignorant about many things Zorzet and i take seriously and Zorzet can be ignorant about things i’m passionate and take very seriously, it’s what makes us different from one another and i learnt to be okay with it…yes it pisses me off at times but i can’t force people to care about things they don’t.

It wounded me though when it was regard my health…i started re-thinking my friendship with Mhnas and Maria 1.

I still do.

Maria 1 keeps in contact because i’m free to talk to her when she want someone to ramble on about clothes, hair and boys…she doesn’t really care about me…

Mhnas…i don’t know…i really don’t know why he keeps me around….is it because he pities me or because when we get together i provide them with contain to laugh about with the rest of the group behind my back?

Maybe.

Actually now that i re-think my behavior around them i can easily be a laughing stock with my uptightness and my not so sharing personality.

I found pointless to share with them my life in college because it’s boring, i’m going to class and back home where i cook, i clean and go grocery shopping then i sit with a warm plate of food and i watch my tv shows then i will have a bath and continue my tv shows then i will study and then fall asleep. Wake up and repeat. I mean fascinating stuff!

While their lives seems far more interesting to be honest, i have two weeks or one week to see them and their entire world has been turn upside down either their met or break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend and/or had reconnected with some old flame/friend.

Or they will continue talking about their lives with codes and inside jokes that i don’t get and i will feel even more excluded, far away apart and alone.

The previous sentance sounds like a lyric from a song…hahahaha.

Mhnas doesn’t share my interest in writing or suffers from mental health issues in order to be able to share my troubles with him i tried once to share my struggle and he called me “dumb”, “stupid” and “an idiot” downride rude! As if the voices in my head don’t already call me these things every single day…

After that attempt i stopped trying to make him understand my mental health issues….imagine if i had attempted into telling him about my past…ha! that would have been interesting to watch but i suspect it would have hurt beyond imagination.

I don’t know what to do when it comes to Mhnas…does he deserve to be included in my real life friend list? Because every time i go out with him and the rest of the group i feel the gap between us growing.

I get darker and he gets…not brighter exactly…but i get to know him less and less every time. 

Sometimes i sit in the back watch them, watch him, interact with each other and i wonder why am i in his life? What purpose do i serve? Am i the type of life he wants to remind himself not to end up in? How the hell does he know what or how my life is? He hasn’t even scratch the surface of it in six years i know him…

I thought by here i would have managed to figure out a solution in this problem but i haven’t.

 So, has anyone lived a similar situation? What did you do? If you want share down below! Have a nice day everyone!

Daydreamer

Your Words Matter

Hello, world! This post has been on my mind for a couple of days and i thought i should write it and never forget it! EVER!

My Aunt Lena, my mum’s and aunt Elena’s cousin, was staying with us because she goes through finalizing her divorce.

My Aunt Lena has also weird dreams like me so i tried to start a conversation with her about dreams while my mum was listening in while being on her laptop but she soon joined the conversation and then my Aunt Elena did too.

Very soon once my mum entered the conversation they started interupting me while i talked and once Aunt Elena joined they didn’t just interupt me but they changed topic while doing in so!

It pissed me off!

They were doing this the entire time! Whenever i try to say something that is just longer than one word or one sentance!

So, i blew up and yelled at them asking for a reason why they keep doing this!

My mum said and i quote:

“Because what you say it’s too long.”

My aunt Elena said:

“Because your dreams are too big and we get bored”

Then my mum said again:

“Besides, when people interupt you while you talk is because they lost interest in what you were saying.”

It hurt me when they said those things. It was like they said my words don’t matter to them! I cried that night myself to sleep after i wrote in my diary what happened. And i had decided to stop talking to them and writing all together.

Yesterday, though i realized that what they said it’s not true!

My words matter maybe not to my family but to someone somewhere either in the future or present. That thought made me refuse to give up talking or writing,

So, everyone remember that your words matter! Don’t let anyone tell you the opposite!

An occurance that has been going on for over many years yet when i finally confronted them their words hurt me and made me question my right to have a voice! So, don’t let anyone silence you down! Your voice is your voice and you have every right to use it!

Until next time!!!

I’m Tired

Things are getting deep and negative, be aware of that fact!

Not that anyone reads this blog…

I’m so tired waking up every day and my first thought to be that i’m tired and that i want everyone and everything to fade away.

I’m tired of watching the disappointed looks on my parents and aunt’s faces.

I’m tired of hearing my sister’s mocking remarks.

I’m tired of hearing my mum’s disappointed remarks.

I’m tired of hearing that i do nothing in the house.

I’m tired of knowing that my best attempts are not enough.

I’m not enough.

My mum a month or so ago told me that i’m projecting things. Meaning that i see a situation and my mind instantly tries to find a situation in my life and mirror it to the said situation. Thus my feelings regarded that situation are not real or aren’t correct.

Emotions aren’t correct.

Bitch what the fuck?

Now this morning i hadn’t had more than 30 minutes i woke up and i was trying…key word trying…to have some sort of breakfast…my mother decided it was a great time to talk to me about how i have two sides to myself…

The one side that i’m passionate for things i like and i’m capable to pay attention to the last detail yet those things i’m passionate about aren’t important thus my excitement is wrongfully invested in those activities.

And the other side that when it comes to do things that are important to everyday life i’m a lazy ass. I don’t pay attention to the detail and if i don’t die from the dirt around me i won’t clean or do the dishes.

So in other words she told me once again i do nothing around the house.

But because i’m tired of doing what i always thought to be a safest and quickest route out of these conversations, which is keep my mouth shut, nod, agree, apologize and promise to try my absolute best next time, instead i yelled at her and my sister who she was sitting with us and agreed.

I told them that i can’t sleep at night and i have to pace back forth in the room which isn’t my own because in their house i have no room or bed to call my own…not that i do anywhere really…and i end up always exhausting myself around 4 or 5 am which make me wake up at 12:50 pm after not so restful 8 hours sleep.

They nodded and said that they understand but that is no excuse!

I DON’T HAVE MY OWN SPACE TO REST! AND I’M FORCED TO MAKE DO WITH WHAT I HAVE! IN MY COLLEGE TOWN I LIVE IN MY AUNT’S HOUSE WHERE DURING THE WEEK DAYS I SLEEP IN HER BED AND IN THE WEEKEND I HAVE TO EITHER RETURN TO MY MUM’S HOMETOWN WHERE I SLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM OR MOVE TO A SMALL ROOM WHERE IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A STORAGE ROOM THAN A BEDROOM!

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A PEACEFUL NIGHT OF SLEEP WHEN I KNOW THAT THE MOMENT THE CLOCK STRIKES 7 AM MY DAD OR ANYONE REALLY WILL WAKE UP AND START DOING THINGS AND NOISE AROUND THE HOUSE WITH NO REGARD FOR THOSE WHO SLEEP!

OH! AND I’M NOT ALLOWED TO CLOSE THE DOOR BECAUSE I STOP THE CIRCULATION OF AIR AROUND THE HOUSE!!!

Then the have the audacity to say that i don’t do nothing in the house and i’m always with a frown in my face and a bored expression.

They expect me to be cheery (Hollywood style) in the morning!

How the fuck would i do that when at night i have to fight my anxiety for what i did wrong the day that past and what mistakes i would possible do the next day! And the voice in my head that tells me i’m a nothing and that i should kill myself?

That i don’t see anything past my phone/computer….i notice pretty much everything but i’m so tired to do anything about it and if i do they are going to say how my way of dealing with it is wrong so in order save their time from yelling at me, i let them do it themselves (as if) the way they want to be done. Problem solved.

I’m tired of knowing that i would forever be the girl who trusted her ex best friend yet she used her kind nature and manipulated her by playing with her trust and then once i wasn’t in the same town she started withdrawing from me and not calling me back.

And now she starts talking to me again because she fought with her “true” best friends and she has no one and she feels alone. I’m like a fucking back up friend! AND STILL I SPOKE TO HER KINDLY AND I’M POLITE TOWARDS HER.

Because i believe that being kind i’m being the bigger person.

Of course i always thought that she was a smart girl but after i read her answer when i asked her flat out why she never picked the goddamn phone to call me i started questioning my belief.

Her answer was that because she was young she didn’t know where her head was at.

After i read that answer i knew two things; 1 her mental maturity is really really low and 2 she was lying to me and the true answer was that she started feeling that our friendship was done.

How can you be “young” and “not knowing where your head is at” when you are sixteen? At sixteen i could easily sustaine myself without my parents!

It angers me sometimes when she uses excuses her age! I would prefer if she had told me something along the lines of;

“Look, Vicky, i was bored to call you because you had nothing interesting to say and in all honesty our similarities ended when you moved away.”

That would have been the answer i would be like;

“Okay. Thanks for not leaving me alone during school days. It was nice knowing ya, i hope you have a great life. Bye.”

Instead she used that lame excuse thinking i’m so naive that i would think it was true!

I’m so tired of when i think i can trust my parents because they say they heard me and understand me the next day or even hour i’m proven wrong…that i can’t trust them or they don’t understand me.

I feel like i’ve been tricked. Manipulated.

And once i digest the fact that i might have been manipulated by both my parents, my aunt, my sister and my ex best friend i start questioning… Am i really smart? A smart person wouldn’t stay and get manipulated by these people, right?

I’m tired of dragging this baggage of being a disappointment.

I sometimes think that my sister is their dream child and i was just the prototype that went through test run and it broke….

The truth is that

I’m weak

I’m naive

I’m not smart otherwise i would have found a way out

I will never be enough for anyone.

And at last knowing all my flaws, being aware of them, i think that i will never be in an emotional position to allow anyone to love me, be a potential love interest, because i won’t be able to see past my flaws and accept theirs…

I used to say to myself that i will work on my issues and fix them AND THEN focus on relationships but i’m deep into my 19 years of life and everyone around me have already fallen in love, had their first time sex and even some got married and now have their first child!

And i’m here in front of the computer typing this blog post….

I’m so tired of being reminder all these facts by just looking at the mirror or my family’s faces.

If anyone read this; thank you and i hope i didn’t bring your mentality down. 

Bye.

Weight = Low Self-Esteem…or is it just my parents?

It’s about to get heavy in here so…TRIGGER WARNING FOR EVERYTHING!!!!

Okay, how i should start this..oh yeah, like that!

Let’s go to the past, shall we?

Once upon a time, (15 years ago) i was a child who wasn’t fat, i was very very thin that i was told by my grandmas to eat more.

When i became ten years old my maternal grandma started to make comments that i’m getting fat and that i should eat less.

At the age of 12 my parents started making the same comments as my maternal grandma.

My paternal grandma wasn’t saying anything harmful she always allowed me to eat as much as i wanted and said nothing and whenever she would see me cry she would ask me what is wrong. She never ever until she died said anything bad about me unlike the rest of my family including my sister to those people. She was always so kind and supportive even thought close to the end she had started to forget things but i didn’t care. I always got angry at my dad’s and my mum’s behavior towards her whenever she would buy too much food, start cooking way too early in the morning or forget things or fall asleep in the bathroom. I remember how happy she was when dad bought her an MP3 player and she started listening to her songs, she would sing along and she would dance whiling sitting down, her smile during those times was like i could see my grandma’s much younger self-shining through, the self i saw in the portrait of her wedding day. But she died and i couldn’t say goodbye to her.

Now come to think of it i never had a chance to say goodbye to no one…not my grandpas, not my grandmas, not my grand-uncles and grand-aunts…no one…

Anyway, back to the point.

At the age of 13 i fell in love with mayonnaise and sandwiches…dad and mum kept yelling at me; “Don’t eat that! You’ll get fat!”.

At the age of 14 i had gained weight.

At 16 i gained more weight.

At 17 i gained more weight…the same year i was diagnosed with Hashimoto Thyroid and i was told i would get pills to balance it…my doctor told me that was the reason why i gain weight.

Then i told her about my depression and my eating habit of mayonnaise and she smiled, she asked me if i had friends during the examination and i told her no…i don’t trust people i told her…i used to have three best friends, Angela, Nicky and Polly but they are gone now. I never really shared my true self with them…i was too mature for them..well in all honesty i believe i liked to suffer in the dark where no one would judge me or lie to me so i pushed them away or focused too much on them that they felt as if i was suffocating them…mothering them.

I could see in her eyes how sad she was by listening to my words but didn’t say anything.

I guess people who care too much end up numbing themselves because the world gets too offensive when people show that they care a great deal about someone or something.

At 18 i got diagnosed with Osteoarthritis Chondropathy…or too be more precise… i have been suffering from osteoarthritis Chondropathy ever since i was 5 and started getting too much height…I remember when i was kid i would complain about knee pains and joints pain constantly but my parents were like “Oh! You are getting taller! Don’t worry, drink some milk, honey!” or they would yell “Oh! Stop complaining! Everyone hurts some place but we are not complaining! Now shut up!”.

I always used to think that feeling my own knees being dislocated and put back into their place while walking or running was normal or that waking up in terrible pain at night to the point i would have to bite my lips until they bled so i won’t cry out and wake everyone up was normal or that whenever i would try to change position in my sleep my knees would get dislocated and i would have to put them back in the morning or i would wake up not feeling my legs from the knees down so i would have to hit them…punch them in order to bring the feeling of them being part of my skeleton back was normal. That falling while there was nothing that should have caused me to fall was normal or walking and then suddenly i have no control of my legs and not feeling them AT ALL was normal!

Then at 7 mum got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease…i thing was Lupus stage 2…but i might be wrong i was too young to understand them and mum doesn’t like to talk about it…and i stopped paying attention to my pains and tried to be a good daughter…

At 7,5 years old i overheard my mum’s physician tell my dad and his mum that they should get me checked for the same illness as my mum when i become 18 years old.

My dad had laughed at that and said there was no need…i was just too tall for my age.

I never saw that physician again but at 18 i was diagnosed with something similar drawn from my mum’s and dad’s genetics…great!

When the doctor asked me why i was in his office and i told him about the incident of i had three night ago when i woke up at 2 am and i couldn’t feel anything from the waist down i had to drag myself out of bed to the kitchen while i’m on the floor to tell to my parents what is going on…i told him that in the morning of that day i was walking down some stairs and i lost the feeling of my legs and i fell on top of an elderly man who volunteered to drive me to the hospital but i refused i asked him to get me to sit down and leave me to regain sense of my legs. I told him about the constant knee pains, the waking up in the middle of the night crying from the pain, the dislocation and putting my knees back while walking or sleeping.

The doctor looked beyond shocked and mortified and then asked my dad “Where were you and your wife, sir when all these was taking place?” and my dad laughed anxious “She is a dramatic kid we thought she was magnifying the pains to gain attention.”

I had looked at my dad with such shock while inside of me i was boiling with rage!

Then the doctor asked me if i could tell him from scale 1 to 10 the pain i felt every night. I told him that i couldn’t count it because for me was now was part of my life i was so used to it that i had stopped feeling the pain at the age of 15 but i remember the pain when i first felt it or when i first dislocated my knees while walking. He told me to tell him…i looked at him straight in the eyes and said 25…the pain was 25 from scale 1 to 10…a pain i would never wish on anyone no matter what they have done in life.

My dad all throughout this was looking at the window behind the doctor or at my knees i could read his…aura if i might say…because his face was unreadable…he was thinking i was lying and that i was dramatic.

I felt such defeat in that moment. I felt dirty and that i should cut my legs off. I felt guilt that now my dad has to think about the money and pay for my medicine or surgery or whatever the doctor would say.

Then when we walked out of the doctor’s office my dad turn to me and said; “Told you that you shouldn’t eat that much, look what your weight do to you. It’s all your fault if you hadn’t had such weight you would be a pretty lady. Not a fat one.”

Geez! Dad! Thanks for the support!

I spend three months learning how to walk again on my own with no one to help me…dad went on a walk with me the first day but after that he was too busy, my aunt came some time but she was walking too fast for me and whenever i would ask her to slow down she would tell me that i was being too easy on myself and by doing that i wouldn’t get better.

The second visit to the doctor he told me i would have to lose weight i would be seated in a wheel-chair at 25 and at 30 i would have to have a knee reconstructive surgery…

My own knees were becoming more and more dust every time i walked! He told me i should stop dancing, jumping, running, climbing stairs, sitting Indian style, walking, riding my bike, playing any sport what so ever and if i wanted to swim i should be careful and not too deep into the sea.

So pretty much i shouldn’t do anything of what i liked or would help me to lose weight!

My parents kept saying that i’m getting fat.

At least three times a day.

Whenever i would complain about my knees pain they would say it’s because i’m fat.

They would tell me to go out and walk around the block and whenever i would tell them that the doctor forbid it they would look at me with “i know better” look or with a “Don’t use him as an excuse to be lazy” look.

Then mum would yell at me for not being supportive and understanding of her illness and disability to walk or do any chores in the house!

That is still going on! Although i’m feeling much better, two years later, mind you my parents and aunt still say i’m fat.

Which gets me to my next subject i wanted to add in this post;

I was around 17 when i was sitting with my mum in the kitchen while some friend of hers was in our house, i was sitting with them only because mum used to ask me to bring her things because she couldn’t walk…not that i cared about the guest…i was writing a chapter on my laptop when the guest ask me if i’m texting on Facebook to my boyfriend and that is why i’m typing so furiously…no i wasn’t…i was typing a fight scene and then a death scene…i looked at her without stopping typing and laughed saying that i had no boyfriend.

Then mum said; “Of course she wouldn’t…i don’t expect that from her…besides she doesn’t have a style to attract the male’s attention, she has no style or the body. She’s fat.”

My mum’s friend smiled at me and went back to smoking but asked me what i was typing. I explained to her shortly that i was writing a story about this girl who fights in parallel worlds in order to keep the balance of the multiverse which was a theory my heroines’ great great grandpa came up with in 1920s and her grandpa proved right in 1950s by shoving his son, my heroines’ dad, through a portal along with himself making them get stranded in a parallel world where her dad was raised and she was born into.

Then she asked me if i wrote that story in Greek and i told her that it was in English. She looked impressed at me and then asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up…i told her i wanted to either direct a movie or write a book but if i didn’t manage that i would love to teach at a University about History or Psychology or Anthropology. Or i would like to write a book where i could tell what was historically going on globally during each year from the moment the humans started civilisations up to whatever technological advances would happen while i’m an adult.

She looked even more impressed and then looked at my mum and praised me but mum just mumbled a “yep” without caring. My mum’s friend asked me if i plan to marry and i said that if i found the right person otherwise i would gladly be a single mum…and even adopt kids or use a sperm donor…needless to say my mum and her friend choked on their cigarettes with my answer but i didn’t care.

Then mum’s friend asked me what i meant by “person” and i smiled and said it could either be a man or a woman i have no problem love is love. I could see my mum’s eyes glaring at me while her friend laughed and said that she wished me all i ever want in life to come true and that i should sent her a wedding invite no matter the gender of my spouse to be. And that being smart is more attractive than being a plastic Barbie she had learnt that from her two marriages, the second one being almost loveless after twenty years and a child.

That day i had low-key came out to my mum but i didn’t see it as a big deal.

After that mum didn’t ask me about boys or girls never! Up until my sister started teasing me for being a 18-year-old virgin in all bases and having no crushes.

She told me that i should start paying more attention to people around me and not my phone or the book i was at the time reading that maybe if i raised my head up from those things i might catch a boy’s attention.

I felt angry and i said i didn’t care about love.

Then again she never asked about my love life until about a month ago…it was after lunch when i was about to start gathering the dishes when my sister asked me why i haven’t fallen in love yet…she is constantly in love with several boys…i swear she is the complete opposite of me in that and many other areas!

I told her that i don’t believe in love. But in all honesty i don’t believe i deserve love. That someone could love me accepting all my flaws and my fat body….that someone would say to his friends or her friends how much in love they are with me even though i’m fat.

My sister then pressed on not believe that i have never fallen in love or that a boy never confessed his undying love…well there was one in 5th grade but who counts him…it lasted 3 days and then he started bullying me for breaking up with him…i felt uncomfortable…trapped you might say knowing that i had a boyfriend.

So i got defensive i told her to look at her life and not mine that i’m no example and that she should be more focused on resting and gathering her strength for the upcoming school year.

Mum then said that i shouldn’t be mean to my sister and that i should stop being cold…well she told me to stop being icy bitch…I wish i was Killer Frost maybe then i could have use my sarcasm to give both of them a piece of my mind but sadly i’m not!

Then continued saying how i don’t dress properly and that if i started finding clothes that fit my figure i might find admirers or that if i took a better care of myself that then people might start noticing me.

WOW! Thanks mum for telling me how unnoticeable i am! I really needed that! Thanks!

All this time my sister had a smug look on her face while my mum had a “i’m older and wiser than you so listen” look.

I felt attacked. I felt as if i was backed to a corner and repeatedly punched.

Then came the six little words, mum said;

“Then maybe you could finally be beautiful.”

She then started to say that i had a great chest and i should flaunt it more by stop wearing shirts that are in a form of t-shirt. That i should start exercising in order to lose weight. That i should wear makeup and that i should make sure my hair are either red or dark brown not both colors at the same time because i look like a Gypsy…

She said that i should clean my face from black spots and make sure my nails both in my hands and feet are perfect…that i should shave “down there” just in case…

While telling me all these things i could only hear my own mother telling me that i’m not beautiful and that i’m not enough for a man or a woman to love me as i am with my extra pounds and the black spots on my face, with my Gypsy hair and my hairy legs..and arms…not armpits…arms!

That moment i wanted to crawl in dark hole and cry maybe die but as i was able to excuse myself i went into my room and i had this raging will to prove my parents wrong…to show them that brains matter more that beauty, that i would be happier if i ever find someone i could have intellectual conversation with! Someone who can fangirl/fanboy with me over TV shows, books, fanfictions, movies and dream about space travel. Someone i can debate about time travel and other theories with! With someone who when i want to cry would hold me and say that everything will be alright. With someone who would defend me in front of my parents’ attacks.

But i knew that was impossible so i had another raging will…i wanted to come up with a a theory and prove it right or invent something that would make the world better and then force them sit through my presentation and the praises from other professors and inventors! I wanted to show them that i am a badass!

But that will faded a second later when i looked myself on the mirror…who would want that…who would want me?

That night i tried to exhaust myself walking around the house in order to chase the thought of suicide out of my head. In my mind there was this war that half of my mind told me to end it all while the other one told me to hold on and that things are getting better and there was another part of me that said that i should hold on but for now let’s hurt myself a little bit…

So i went to the bathroom and…and i scratch myself…i turned my pimples on my arm and body into bleeding holes and i scratched my sunburn to the point it bled and i couldn’t stop it. The next day i woke up and my shirt was full of bloody spots…and so where my bed sheets. No one cared.

I’ve been doing this my whole life minus the walking around the house during the night…that is new…like a year old habit…new.

Let’s go to today…

A few hours ago as i’m writing this my mum asked me to make a salad and put her and dad a plate of lunch and as i was cutting the salad dad showed up and asked me if i joined them. When i told him i wasn’t hungry he told me that was good and that i shouldn’t eat maybe that way i will lose weight.

But listening to that made me angry so just from anger i joined them for lunch!

Then four hours ago i was walking around the house while listening to music trying to come up with a plot for a requested fanfiction when i noticed that i revert back to walking/limping like i used to do and that i grew more tired when i walked barefoot that with my sleepers on. When i foolishly went to tell my dad of my findings my dad told me that it was because i gained weight. And that he had photos of me to prove it.

He always does it! The same fucking thing!

I know that a reason i suffered the knee pains on my own for so long was because i feared the fat comments from my parents!

And as i was thinking about that theory i came up across another realization…i started not being able to sleep at night because of the anxiety of the next day…of me being again a target of fat comments from my parents. It’s manageable when i’m in my college town where i can skip calling them so i won’t have to hear them telling me to be careful of what i eat and that i should start weighting myself every day and keeping a score.

I understand the need of me to lose weight for my knees but with no support system is really hard! Plus stress cause us to gain weight too either my eating more or some chemical imbalance but my parents don’t seem to care that their comments are making me anxious!

But there are times where their comments make me want to kill myself just so i can get away from them. If only there was a way to fake your death and wake up in a parallel world where you have supportive parents, friends and everything else you desire.

The sentence above is always the last thing i think about every night before sleep take over and the first thing i think about when i’m waking up.

Sleep!

Oh! My dad and mum’s least favorite thing! They won’t stop complaining about how much i’m sleeping! Of course they are unaware of why i’m managing to fall asleep at least at 4 am…they think it’s the computer or my phone…nope! It’s them! At night when everyone is asleep is the only time i have for myself…the only time of the day where i can cry without fear of being seen and then mocked by them. The only time when i can let my imagination work without interruption and honestly i have come up with many great stories and blog posts.

At time during the nights it’s the only time i can fight with myself…during the day i have this constant negative committee in my head that every time my parents say that i’m not enough or that i’m not doing anything right agrees with them and points out my mistakes and they point out the perfect way things should be and how they are not.

But at night i fight that committee that every day and every second it whispers;

“You are not enough even your parents see that what makes you think that someone will see past this?”

“No one cares for you.”

“You have no friends.”

“Ice bitch”

“Show a little emotion it won’t kill ya…oh wait it will!”

“You have no home and you’ll never have one!”

“You belong nowhere!”

“You are not beautiful even your mother says that and you came out of her vagina…god! imagine how that must feel for her…having an ugly daughter like you who can’t speak correctly Greek and always feels comfortable speaking English betraying her heritage!”

“You are disgusting!”

“I wonder if you kill yourself who is going to miss you? No one! But maybe we should try it and see, what do you say?”

Every night i will walk around telling myself the same mantra;

“I’m enough! I have a future. i am making an impact on this world by just existing maybe my kids will do great things! I should hold on for my future kids! i am enough! There is someone out there waiting to meet someone like me! You can do this! You only lost twice to that fight and you are 19! You can do it!”

And it’s true…two times i lost the fight…one was at 15 when i was about to jump from the 3rd floor and the second just 24 hours before my 19th birthday when i was seriously thinking about committing suicide and that indeed no one would care. I even bet that my parents would learn of my suicide because the neighbors will complain about my dead body’s smell…or because my aunt and her boyfriend decide to spent the weekend in the apartment i’m living in (technically it’s my aunt’s apartment and i live there during the week days because it’s in my college town and on the weekends she shows up with her boyfriend and i go to my hometown…to my parents.)

That is the reason why i don’t get to sleep well and i end up waking up at noon….it’s exhausting fighting your own mind every night and day but my parents don’t care…i haven’t told them actually because i saw how they reacted when i told them…sorry whenever i would tell them about a weakness of mine…they would use it against me when a fail….

Alright! Sorry for the rant…i really needed it. Sorry for the long post.

Good night, people!

 

 

 

Daily Prompt: What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever found (and kept)?

So, growing up I used to collect rocks from every beach I visited and I have visited half of Greece so those are a lot of beaches. I truly think that is one of the coolest things I have collected and found because they had very peculiar shapes and colours so I found them cool! Now, another coolest thing I have found was a chocolate bar that almost hit me on the head as I was coming out of the Metro in Torino, Italy during March 2023. I swear to any higher power and God that this bar (plaque) of chocolate materialized out of nowhere! It was expired and with things I was allergic to. The chocolate was thrown out but I kept the box to remember this glitch in the matrix moment I had.

Another cool thing I have is the box of the invites that were sent for my baptism, it’s a box with my initials. One more thing I have that I think is cool is a selves orniment that has a 3D rose entrapped in a glass and one side of the orniment it has a backdrop of iridescnet brown, orange and green coloured glass. It was my maternal grandfather’s and I found it and kept it without asking.

Last two things I have that I found cool are, one is my maternal grandma’s gold necklace she used to wear since she was baptized up to the day she died. And the other, this is a painting of a stormy sea that was painted by my maternal aunt modelled out of a drawing my maternal grandma made when she was my age, 24 years old. I have this painting hanging over my bed.

Daily Prompt: What Podcasts Are You Listening To?

I listen sporadically to many podcasts but my favourites are; A Superbloom Podcast with Candice King, True Crime with Kendall Rae, Odd Trails with Andy Tate and Brandon Lanier, Quitters Podcast with Julie Bowen and Chad Sanders, The Mother Daze With Sara Wright Olsen and Teresa Palmer, History Tea Time with Lindsay Holiday, The Criminal Makeup by Audioroom Studios, The Let’s Read Podcast, Dark History with Bailey Sarian and Audioroom Studios, Dinner Is On Me with Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sony Music Entertainment and lastly Directionally Challenged with Kayla Ewell.

Not many really! Hahaha!

Anxiety reacquainted

I suffered from anxiety since I was 12 years old but it seems in the late months of 2022 I was reacquainted with anxiety.

I used to be able to mask or bury my anxiety, I don’t know which is true, but I was able to control it to a level. Now, anxiety controls me! And it’s for a stupid reason to most people.

Losing my routine. That’s the thing causing my anxiety to spike. And getting my first job.

I spoke to a few people and shared my anxieties with them and all acted as if my anxiety and fear of my first job was unnecessary. Although, I have a feeling that these people didn’t have the time or luxury to feel anxiety or didn’t feel it just as intensely or at least didn’t realize it was anxiety.

I know it’s normal to feel A LEVEL OF ANXIETY for your first job but not the paralyzing one I get. Also, I have been looking for a job since 2018 and I have gone to a few interviews but I have sent far too many CVs (I don’t know the number or can recall) that I have convinced myself I would never get a job.

Furthermore, I went on a trial day at a restaurant’s kitchen and I realized that working in restaurants isn’t for me. I’m not fast enough or can handle long hours of standing or walking or long hours of soaked hands. Osteoarthritis and eczema are a few things that make this environment of work impossible for me. And I figured out the jobs I’m best suited to are remote jobs in translation and editing or any other writing-related jobs. Maybe an office job or even in publishing or editing.

Another thing that causes me anxiety is fixing my sleep schedule to accommodate the needs of the job or my parents’ needs for house chores.

Hopefully, I achieve that.

Yet anxiety might have cost my best friend… a few weeks ago my best friend asked for space. (If you don’t know what’s going on with that read https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/2023/01/18/current-battles/)

It makes me sad to think that someone who also suffers from social anxiety would understand the situation and the feelings that come along with such issues. Alas, I understand how triggering it must be so I can’t be that mad at her.

I am hurt though because I reached out for help and she didn’t help me while other times when I didn’t reach out she gave me hell for it… And when communication was established the entire atmosphere has grown cold from my side. This friendship is testing me and is testing.

I don’t know how I will manage to live with this upgraded version of my anxiety but I will try. And if I don’t manage then…I couldn’t. Lately, dying doesn’t sound so bad.

Here’s to finding the strength to do that and getting a remote writing/translating job!