Recently, I scrolled down to my old posts on this blog from 2018 and honestly not much has changed. The only difference is that I finished my residency, was forced into going to Italy for a 2nd time (yet It was a positive experience in contrast to the 2017 trip) and was forced to go to evening school under the guise of doing something with my life.
What hasn’t changed is the suicidal thoughts and my lack of finding a job. I have switched work sectors I’m looking in and honestly, I still have hope.
Yet, the thoughts about death, the desire to kill myself and even fantasizing about it some days have gotten worse. But 2023 me can wholeheartedly relate to 2018 me’s writings and it’s truly concerning and saddenning.
My relationship with my parents, Aunt Elena and even my sister has gotten better-ish…I don’t hang out so much with Aunt Elena anymore because my sister is always with her and I don’t want to intrude. Also, my sister and I are close but she recently made a complaint about how we don’t do stuff together anymore and I started to try to make time for that.
Depression and anxiety have gotten worse since 2018 and the state of the world overall has become unbearable so it’s sort of understanding and expected. Yet the desire to end my life because my dreams and hopes are gone is still there and getting much more desirable in the coming weeks. But it’s true what they say, hope does die last. And mine hasn’t died yet.
I might be delusional by now but I still have hope that in the future or some version of the future, the gone dreams I have might become reality. Even though I want to die I also want to see if I do manage to make the dreams little me had a form of reality.
Daydreamer's Mind 