My 2018 Rants About Death VS My 2023 Thoughts About Death

Recently, I scrolled down to my old posts on this blog from 2018 and honestly not much has changed. The only difference is that I finished my residency, was forced into going to Italy for a 2nd time (yet It was a positive experience in contrast to the 2017 trip) and was forced to go to evening school under the guise of doing something with my life.

What hasn’t changed is the suicidal thoughts and my lack of finding a job. I have switched work sectors I’m looking in and honestly, I still have hope.

Yet, the thoughts about death, the desire to kill myself and even fantasizing about it some days have gotten worse. But 2023 me can wholeheartedly relate to 2018 me’s writings and it’s truly concerning and saddenning.

My relationship with my parents, Aunt Elena and even my sister has gotten better-ish…I don’t hang out so much with Aunt Elena anymore because my sister is always with her and I don’t want to intrude. Also, my sister and I are close but she recently made a complaint about how we don’t do stuff together anymore and I started to try to make time for that.

Depression and anxiety have gotten worse since 2018 and the state of the world overall has become unbearable so it’s sort of understanding and expected. Yet the desire to end my life because my dreams and hopes are gone is still there and getting much more desirable in the coming weeks. But it’s true what they say, hope does die last. And mine hasn’t died yet.

I might be delusional by now but I still have hope that in the future or some version of the future, the gone dreams I have might become reality. Even though I want to die I also want to see if I do manage to make the dreams little me had a form of reality.

Anxiety reacquainted

I suffered from anxiety since I was 12 years old but it seems in the late months of 2022 I was reacquainted with anxiety.

I used to be able to mask or bury my anxiety, I don’t know which is true, but I was able to control it to a level. Now, anxiety controls me! And it’s for a stupid reason to most people.

Losing my routine. That’s the thing causing my anxiety to spike. And getting my first job.

I spoke to a few people and shared my anxieties with them and all acted as if my anxiety and fear of my first job was unnecessary. Although, I have a feeling that these people didn’t have the time or luxury to feel anxiety or didn’t feel it just as intensely or at least didn’t realize it was anxiety.

I know it’s normal to feel A LEVEL OF ANXIETY for your first job but not the paralyzing one I get. Also, I have been looking for a job since 2018 and I have gone to a few interviews but I have sent far too many CVs (I don’t know the number or can recall) that I have convinced myself I would never get a job.

Furthermore, I went on a trial day at a restaurant’s kitchen and I realized that working in restaurants isn’t for me. I’m not fast enough or can handle long hours of standing or walking or long hours of soaked hands. Osteoarthritis and eczema are a few things that make this environment of work impossible for me. And I figured out the jobs I’m best suited to are remote jobs in translation and editing or any other writing-related jobs. Maybe an office job or even in publishing or editing.

Another thing that causes me anxiety is fixing my sleep schedule to accommodate the needs of the job or my parents’ needs for house chores.

Hopefully, I achieve that.

Yet anxiety might have cost my best friend… a few weeks ago my best friend asked for space. (If you don’t know what’s going on with that read https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/2023/01/18/current-battles/)

It makes me sad to think that someone who also suffers from social anxiety would understand the situation and the feelings that come along with such issues. Alas, I understand how triggering it must be so I can’t be that mad at her.

I am hurt though because I reached out for help and she didn’t help me while other times when I didn’t reach out she gave me hell for it… And when communication was established the entire atmosphere has grown cold from my side. This friendship is testing me and is testing.

I don’t know how I will manage to live with this upgraded version of my anxiety but I will try. And if I don’t manage then…I couldn’t. Lately, dying doesn’t sound so bad.

Here’s to finding the strength to do that and getting a remote writing/translating job!

Failed Friendships, Distances And, Social Media.

I used to think that friendships were the easiest when I was in Primary School…but then I look around and I see that I was just oblivious!

I either am a pretty bad friend or I attract people who either use me for a while and then leave. (As if I’m important or something…lol…I am not important.)

So, I started thinking and wondering what am I doing wrong. Because I don’t think of myself as a saint, I must be doing something and if that something is an actual fault that could cause harm in the future I must correct it before I become toxic.

And in past friendships that I had as a child, I did something wrong, I wasn’t paying attention to my friends’ feelings and we didn’t really talk about said feelings. Then in Primary School and the two grades of Junior High, I had friends that became kinda my model/default friendship in my own mind which is one of my faults. The friendship I had in Primary School was great while I was in the same zip code but when I moved away that friendship slowly disappeared. Of course, social media were still in the very early stages so we couldn’t utilize them to keep the friendship alive. Plus phone calls and letters weren’t an option because with school and other activities we didn’t have time to sit down and write. But we did try the phone call thing but again we would always miss each other either by accident or on purpose (from my friend’s side).

The end of the Primary School/Junior High friendship that was with two other girls, hurt me so bad it took me YEARS to get over. And it still pains me to think but it has numbed up a bit.

When I moved away and entered a new school and essentially a new town and society, Although the 3rd Grade of Junior High I spent it alone reeling from a chaotic and traumatizing five years on an island, So, I was by myself and very closed up socially which wasn’t weird that nobody approached me.

When I entered the 1st Grade of Senior High School I met people even though flawed I remember them fondly! People approached me at the school’s campus and I finally got to experience the traditional Greek high school experience. But because I was reeling from the failed primary I was very hesitant to emotionally bond with them until I was halfway done with the 1st Grade of Senior Grade. Once, I allowed them in the memories I have with them are one of the best memories I have in my 23 years of life! Mentally I wasn’t in the best place but hey you can’t have everything!

During the 3rd Grade of Senior High school, the friendship group changed because a lot of people graduated and left for the next step in their lives. Which took a while to get used to. And some friendships with these people fizzled out but I have no hard feelings against them. Those friendships taught me about the importance of second chances in friendship and how it is to be friends with people that you have nothing in common with but the school and town you’re in. It broaden my horizons and introduced me to new things which helped me gain opinions on topics that in other situations wouldn’t have even touched let alone have an opinion on.

Then came the in-between period of studying for graduating exams and I met one person who till to this day we are friends and I consider her my best friend. But as I was getting to know her I made a promise that I won’t repeat the past mistakes which were to remain distant even though I consider them my friends.

Trust came very hard and I’m still struggling with it.

Once those exams ended and I went to college, I was very cold and distant and didn’t make any friends at college which now I regret doing but at the time it was what I needed mentally. Around the end of the second year of college, I did meet a friend and I consciously tried not to repeat the past’s mistakes but the friendship didn’t last even though I tried.

The 2020 pandemic destroyed that friendship because during the lockdown our friendship was challenged by the use of ghosting. During the summer of 2020, the friendship completely ended because she ghosted me for a very long time. It hurt and made me angry that I failed yet another friend, but this time the fault wasn’t entirely my own.

Now, online friendships for some reason were easier to keep alive. And has made me think that even though my real-life friendships were with people that I hadn’t anything in common with while with my online friends I do have things in common with them. And that is one of the many reasons why most of my friendships through the internet last.

Which taught me that if I don’t share my interests with my friends I’m not sharing my real self and that if I want a friendship to last I can’t just sit back and wait for my friendships to strengthen and not fall apart. I know it’s really dumb thing to realize at the age of 23.

Depression And Friendships

Trigger Warning; Mention of depression, anxiety, self-harming! Read with caution!

According to my parents, I was always a very friendly child growing up…but then the depression came, and with it a shitload of other dark things in my life, breaking my trust and friendly spirits.

Now, as an adult of 21 going 22 years of life, I can’t understand how I view making friends so easy as a kid. Yes, talk to others is easy but maintaining a friendship is hard work! And especially with my anxiety and depression, it makes things twice as hard!

Most of my anxiety attacks during this pandemic had been because I didn’t answer phones or messages from my friends. I was really stressed about keeping up with everyone and everything yet wanting to be locked in my room and write or watch tv shows and movies without being bothered.

And I don’t know if it’s me but whenever I have a problem I don’t reach out to my friends because the times I did reach out I expected something I didn’t get and even apathy. An event is very fresh in my mind, it was when I was feeling very very low when I was 19 and I called my then-new friend (now best friend) to talk me out of self-harming, she did help by distracting me but when she asked me why I called her all of a sudden and told her she told me not to stress about it! And on other occasions, she wasn’t all that empathetic which stank at that moment, I get it now since I’ve known her better, calming words aren’t her thing and I appreciate that she’s trying. But since it’s not her thing I feel awful putting her in such a position so I refrain from telling her anything and try to solve it myself, if I can’t then I reach out.

Having said that, I believe I found myself in a similar situation myself, I met this girl from Tumblr a year or so ago and we decided to start talking on Discord during the second lockdown here in Europe. She and I have similar mental health issues, hers are more severe than mine, which pains me greatly and I wished I could somehow lift some of that burden off her so she could rest. She needed me, and I couldn’t find the right words to say to her.

The same thing happened with another kid, he’s way younger than me, we met on Quora and we re-connected on Discord last year. He’s self harming and shows signs of self destructive behavior, he reached out to me thinking because I was dealing with the same issues that I could help counsel him as both an older person but also sort of veteran in that alley of issues.

I couldn’t help him either, his behavior triggered me so bad I retreated to a very dark corner. And through countless hours of talking with him I realized he doesn’t want to help himself, he expects others to heal him. I felt uncomfortable both because of our age difference and of how severe his issues were, he didn’t need me he needed a psychiatrist. I tried to tell him to go, I send him links and resources, he didn’t use them. So, I made the hard decision to stop communicating with him.

I felt like a shitty person for not healing him. But I understood that this wasn’t my place.

Then we have a former best friend I had, she had undiagnosed issues and hard life, I was in awe that she survived that much. Our friendship was great from my point of view but not from hers, the moment the summer of 2020 came she cut contact with me. It burned and I grew angry and bitter but looking back now, she was going through something that I couldn’t help her with because I wasn’t fit to help her. If our friendship had withstood the test of the pandemic I truly fear it would have turned toxic or I would have become toxic trying to survive it. But all that are theories. I truly don’t know how that friendship would have turned out since it seemed I was wearing rosy-colored glasses and didn’t see the cracks. I hope she’s doing okay though because she blocked me on everything…

Then we have my other friend, E, E and I go way back, we met on the first day of High School and our friendship is casual with many breaks of communication in between because of life. I liked how uncomplicated our friendship is and how understanding she’s is. Do I trust her? Yes. Am I being honest with her? Yes, it’s hard but I’m trying. I truly believe mine and E’s friendship has been this casual because I don’t hide my emotions and opinions from her and I really hope she does the same thing. Although, I have been warned by people to be careful with her because she gossips a lot but the people who warned me about her caused me the most heartache down the line, so it’s safe to say they were biased and maybe trying to break us up.

Then I have my only male friend, with whom the friendship is complicated, to say the least and we have loooong cuts in communication and we live in the same town for Christ’s sake! E lives in a village half an hour away, my best friend lives also in a village half an hour away and my Tumblr turned Discord friend lives in England! He doesn’t really communicate which is hard and I don’t really know if he views me as his friend anymore but it’s nice whenever we meet up.

Throughout our friendship, I went through very dark bouts of depression and yet he never noticed which I don’t blame him it wasn’t his job to do so but it kinda made me bitter but again that’s my issue.

My issue is that my depression, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, and trust issues make me closed off and spend too much time in my head and not noticing what’s going on around me. And when I do I take too long to react.

I have no idea how to balance my mental health and my friendships and be helpful when it comes to my friends’ mental healths, I’m still learning though.

Hopefully, I don’t lose any more friends in the process. 

What 2020 Taught Me

Happy New Year and Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! I hope the new year brings you everything that you want and need!

As 2020 ended I looked back to how my life was a year ago…it was far more colorful than it is now.

During this time last year I had a busy social life with a friend in my college town and two in my hometown, I had a residency, I lost weight, I was more actively looking for a job, my Hasimoto and Osteoathritis was doing okay and blood tests were ok.

I was spending relatively enough time with my family and I was on good terms with my sister.

I felt I was finally moving towards something!

Then, I hit my head. Got diagnosed with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), Covid 19 started, quarantine ensued and all hell broke loose!

Through the first quarantine I learned that I had to stop my residency and essentially lost it, I had to re-learn some basic stuff because of the TBI, my mental and physical health was going down, I started losing friends and anxiety was a constant companion.

But the good things also started; I spent productive time with my family and sister, I got on Tik Tok, I binge watched some movies and TV shows I wanted, I focused ore on writing, my entire family and I got ourself in a meal plan so we wouldn’t binge eat and change our diets by adding more vegitables and fruits and less sweets per day. I managed to keep in touch with one of my best friends through it all. I painted and cooked/baked a lot which was fun!

During the second quarantine and in between quarantines I had started working out but 3 covid scares I stopped. And I gained weight. I started a blog and binge watched almost 17 seasons of NCIS.

But, all in all, 2020 taught me to value the people who stick by you when the world is burning down and that friendship is a two-way street and both people should put in the work.

I’m trying my best. I really hope that I get to do something that would help me move along my life in 2021 but I’m keeping myself back from over-anticipating.

And that is my take on 2020. Here we go 2021!

Why Do Friendships End?

Hey, guys! Long time no see! I still don’t know what to do with this blog, it seems it has turned into a personal diary/rant page and I kinda don’t want to change it. I will try to post more as I always promise and never do…I actually I will try to actually upload more often.

I want to share my thoughts and ideas on various topics in a form of posts where I will contimplete and maybe throw in some poems or dreams and rants from time to time. What I fear is that my post my come to bite me in the ass in later years. That is why I’m hesitant about posting and worried about things I have already posted.

I don’t know if you care or have stuck around at all but I made a new blog where I post TV shows/movies reviews and short stories I’m writing. It’s called Small Stories & Commentary, the link is this fandomvickyfix.wordpress.com

Enjoy this post!

Friendships. A topic as an adult of 21 years I struggle with…

I’m not going to go into a rant about my childhood but I believe my trouble with friendships is deep rooted in there because of the many moves I had to endure due to my dad’s job.

But I also believe that trouble in this department comes from the people you are being surrounded by or you attract…and I guess I attracted people who aren’t really sincere or “normal” (as my mum said). Although the concept “normal” for me and my generation is a very fluid meaning.

I have sat many times at night and reviewed my friendships and I draw the conclusion that the people I attract are those who need something from me or plain manipulators who see a weak and desperate for friendship girl and they manipulate her or at least stay around until something better comes their way. Which in turn causes me (and any other person experiencing this) to create or unbury trust issues.

And this sucks!

Why do manipulators exist?!

I don’t know.

Will I ever find supporive, trustworthy and fun friends to be around with whom I have not one but various things in common? I hope so.

This brings me to another problem I do have and recently realized it…due to the number of moves I had to endure due to dad’s job I got very into movies and Tv shows, especially American ones where they depict this tight-knit group of friends in suburbian town that have together since birth or at least meet in the first day of High School and there is suddenly this trustworthy friendship and so on. I thought that in real life I would (at some point) find these types of people. Oh! I forgot to mention these friend groups exist in Wattpad books too which at 15 I was consuming like cereal!

But recently I started to think that these types of friendships don’t exist…

What type of friendships do exist, you ask? I HAVE NO CLUE! There must be so many types of friendships both healthy and unhealthy ones. The problem is what I am comfortable with that is something I’m still figuring out.

I know that I want trust, fun times, pick me ups from both sides, helpful advice, moral compass of sorts and a person that I can talk about movies, Youtube and tv shows with for hours. Someone that I can trust that I can get drunk with or in front of and know that I will wake up safe and sound in my bed, if I chose to drink that is since I don’t really like alcohol.

I want a friend that I can had deep and philosophical conversations with while sitting in my living room or anywhere and we are drinking hot/cold chocolate or coffee.

But for now I believe I need to work on my own issues first before I started looking for friends. Not that I don’t have a friend but who knows if she sticks around long enough…see trust issues.

2020 has been a difficult year for many yet for me 2019/2018 were years where I lost many people I thought as friends and found new people only to lose them a couple days/months/weeks later or even lost them in 2020. (There’s not dead don’t worry we just don’t speak anymore).

For sure though I’m part of the problem of why I can’t find trustworthy friends yet. I truly hope that this friend I have now is a true one even though we don’t share many movies and tv show prefrences. I can always get her addicted to them if I brainwash her! *evil laugh* with her consent of course!

How can I not attract manipulators?

Well, I expressed this question to my friend Zorzet and she told me something I already knew but never really thought; manipulators like people who can’t say no. I can’t say no most times.

Then I had other friendships that they eneded because of me. As a friend if I had to label me I’m a mum friend (type?).

I hope you enjoyed this post if you are still around, I thank you for that! Check out my other blog if you are into these types of things it’s @fandomvickipedia

I hope everyone is staying safe and sane!

2020…AGHHHH!

Hey, guys! It’s been a long while…Every time I say that I found time to start updating regurarly on here something turns my life to shit…

So, in the previous post I talk about a new friend I made in the city, well that friendship ended…

I’m so tired of meeting friends, having fun with them, trusting them and then losing them…It’s getting old and tiring and I raise even more walls than I should and have…

How this friendship ended? Well, during qurantine I tried my best to keep up with communication with my three best friends, write my new fanfiction (I know I’m one of those people…), spend time with my family both one on one and all together, recover from my TBI which meant learning how to write, talk and many more things also accept that now I’m not able to handle many things I could prior the accident. Also, I had my TV shows and I’m part of this group on Twitter where we read and review books for free in two weeks and on top of that I was looking for a remote job. So, there were a lot of things and my mental health was okay and positive and going strong I started slacking on texting or calling my friends.

Then, I started having terrible migraines and pains in my head, cold and hot flashes and sometimes nose bleeds, this friend seemed to be patient and understanding but I didn’t know that in the back of her mind she was starting pulling away. Close, to April/May she started not answering my texts and we would go for weeks not talking and always reschedule our video chats because they would go on until 4 am and I live with my parents and everyone was long asleep by that time and I couldn’t have two headphones in my ears, one my phone and one of my computer where the tv show was playing.

Soon, her friend that was living in the city introduced her to her boyfriend’s friends and they started going out before qurantine was over and she stopped texting all together. I had to sent first messages and I would get left on read or answered with one word responses and some vague new information about how her life currently was. Which confused me. I also got mad at her for going out with people before lockdown was done while she was high risk patient due to Hashimoto thyroiditis she and I suffer from which is caused by autoimmine disfunction hence lowering our immune system. I was worried about her, even terrified. Isn’t that what friends do?

Then we had to talk for few days and she forgot my birthday, she wished me just as the day ended with a dry “happy birthday” on Facebook stories section at 1 am on May 16th while my birthday was on the 15th. I did make a fuss because on her birthday I had arranged an entire movie and sleepover night and even made time to visit her while she ignored me the entire day and then sent this. After that, we continued with days in between us talking and she was always too busy to talk, always going somewhere.

I decided to visit her again find some time to talk but no luck, I spent the time trying to fill in the blanks I had in her life and not addressing the issue. Then I had to leave and go to my grand-aunt’s house where there was no phone or WIFI and not so great signal either. I told her I was going, I told her if she needed or wanted to talk she could call me which was more likely to see than a text on Instagram or Facebook. She left me on read.

Then a lot of bad luck followed me, during our trip to my grand-aunt’s our car broke down, we had to call a taxi to get us there which caused a lot of money, the water pipe burst, we almost got an electrical fire in my room, the plugs and electrical panel needed fixing because of it, then once we recieved our car it had problems again, I hit my head again and suffered a PTSD triggered anxiety attack, some things broke in the house, I burnt my foot, almost drowned in the sea and my sister saved me, the toilets broke down and we flooded the bathrooms, yes we had two bathrooms.

So, economically we were worried because qurantine was hard economically and now this had the entire family on edge and because I’m not no saint and since after my accident it seems that my emotions aren’t as easy to control as before and compartmentalize that easily if at all I was overwhealmed. And my friend’s problems didn’t seem that big or important because they were the same ones again and again and I was offering the same advice and she wouldn’t use it so I was harsh to her last time we talked on the phone and told her that the world is burning up right now and her problems have sollutions and I have pointed them to her many times yet she doesn’t use them and it seemed to me that she enjoyed whinning about this and that. And that while she was whinning she didn’t seem to ask how I have been doing the past three months or during qurantine…this I had no time to ask her why she didn’t think to ask because I need to pay something I had bought while we were talking and she claimed her phone’s battery was low.

After that, her communication became more sporadic close to non-existant. I was constantly left on read whenever I would try to sent her a message and it wasn’t constantly because I was busy too and my mental health was starting to drift lower and I had started to work out in an attempt to lose the qurantine weight and spend time with my sister because it seemed as if our relationship had been tense and she seemed to become isolated and she was 16 years old and I remember how it was when I was 16 and I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t do anything terrible or maybe her silence was a yell for help and our parents as usually didn’t caught it so knowing how it was I tried to play hero.

During my stay at my grand-aunt’s I had asked from my sister to ask her what was up and if I did something and later learned that she was angry with me for talking bad about her ignorant boyfriend. The whole story goes, she and this guy were dating for a year but their relationship was distance, he was avoiding to answer personal questions that could validate that he was who he claimed to be, there was no public record of him existing and his behaviour didn’t match his claiming age. Furthermore, he was ignoring her every time she would text him for two hours before answering while he was constantly online. Now, I understand that being online doesn’t mean that you are able to talk but you could shoot her a text saying “I’m busy” and not set her app during video calls. Then when she broke up with him I spent two hours consoling her and keeping her from taking non-necessary sleeping pills during the early weeks of qurantine. When she met this guy through her city friend’s boyfriend and she started to rebound date him and he was great to her yet she started seeing her ex behind his back and pretended to everyone they were broken up. During that time I spoke ill of her ex (current secret) boyfriend and how her actual boyfriend was a much better guy.

Not to my knowledge, she held those words against me while she pretended not to hurt her and even laughed with me and agreed! The hypocrisy! And added up by how harsh I spoke to her about her problems and the world as I mentioned before and how during her “broken up” period in order to stop her from overdosing I spoke to her harshly even though at that time she later thanked me and said how right I was!

I couldn’t understand why she didn’t say anything. Why she didn’t say; “hey, can you stop talking like that? I don’t like it.” or because she knew how calm of a person I was to ask me why oh so suddenly I started to be mean and furstrated more easily with her problems because my other best friend saw that something was wrong with me and reached out and even yelled at me for speaking harshly to her. Back then I couldn’t see I was wrong using this tone with them but she should have said something!

My mental health was drifting away yet I wasn’t giving up on our friendship, I was reliving what I was going through with Nicky and I was anxiously trying not to make the same mistakes and tire her with messages of my saying constantly “hi” so I did the complete opposite, I didn’t send any messages and continued my life as if I didn’t have any problem, in the back of my head I was hoping that she would text instead. Then I grew angry and I sent her a text telling her that we need to talk about our friendship and to tell me when she had time to call her. I was left on read. So, I send a last message telling her I would call her on specific date and time and I did…the phone rang and rang until she hang up.

August was the last time I attempted to contact her and on October 13th I noticed that she had unfriend me from Facebook yet she still follows me on Instagram and sees my stories but doesn’t like my pictures. I don’t know why people do this… I haven’t liked or checked any of her pictures or stories since late July. It hurting seeing it because for the past three months I have been suffering a lot with mental health.

I couldn’t understand why she did this because Nicky had done the same thing to me and she knew how much it hurt she had seen it how it affected me and did to me. I trusted her…foolishly it seems. My mum had warned me that saw her looking at me with malice in her eyes when I wasn’t looking at her during Christmas and when we met before qurantine started after my accident.

As if those things weren’t enough my family was fighting amongst themselves and specifically my mum and my aunt were fighting and put my sister and I to chose us to pull the snake out of its hole and I made the chose my mum and aunt were dancing around the past three years and my mum was mad at me and my aunt became suicidal and I, my sister and her boyfriend had to be on suicide watch for two days for my aunt.

Then I reconnected with an old friend named George who was self-harming and I tried to help but I got triggered with everything he was saying and how he was saying them and when I asked him if he could respect and not tell me in details how he hurt himself because I was struggling with the same thing he continued using even more gory details and pushed me over the edge. I stopped talking to him and I started to isolate myself.

Then as if all of those things weren’t enough my town learned that one of its factories’ workers were sick with Covid and they were going in for work and suddenly the number of cases jumped up in just 24 hours. Unknowingly, I came into contact with one of those people who worked in that factory and was exposed to Covid, they got tested and instead of self-quaranting she arranged to go out with me and I’m a high risk patient and so is my mum if I and her get sick and they told me an hour after we were out and I was exposed, even though they knew that I’m high risk. Then I didn’t have time to stop it we met my sister and her friends and we were hugged by all of them getting them potentially exposed in turn. The moment I return home I was self-quaranting for 14 days trying to come into contact with them to learn if they were positive or negative. Thankfully, they were negative yet I remained in quarantine for 14 days showing no symptoms then just as I had 5 days left, my sister comes home with a sad face and tells us that one of her friends’ brother tested positive for Covid and her friend had fever for three days but she didn’t pay attention because she was used to having a low fever whenever she was on her period and she had come into contact with us twice since her fever started.

My sister also drank from the same bottle. My entire family prepared to go into quarantine immediatly and then we learned that her friend was hospitilized the moment she stepped in the ER and they saw a high fever and she got tested along with the rest of her family while her brother who was asymptomatic had moved to the upstairs part of the house and was self-quaranting. She tested negative for covid but positive for the normal flu and we remained in qurantine for 4 days paying attention with our symptopms.

My uncle, my mum’s cousin, was also one of those people working in the same factory as my friend and he was tested and was negative but quarantining too. Then couple weeks ago, we learned that our downstairs neighbors have four positive covid cases and they are a family of five and they weren’t quaranting or wearing a mask outside when it was mandatory. The entire building I lived on got disinfected and we had to wear masks and gloves and they were forced by the police into quarantine and threatened to be fined if they were viewed outside.

Then my sister learned that a kid in the school her own school shares a playground with tested positive and his entire block of flats got into quarantine because they had come into contact and all the schools were getting disinfected during the weekend while classmates of this kid that came into contact were tested and put in quarantine with their families.

Our town was mandotory told to wear masks anywhere we went for three months now while after lockdown we didn’t need to wear masks.

All of those ups and downs effected me in a negative way and I had reached such low for months.

And that past week I’ve managed to start pulling myself together and getting myself in a routine.

I’m so ready for 2020 to be done because I don’t know how much longer I can take.

My Life Turned Upside Down Just As The World Went Bat-Shit Crazy!

WOAH! And I thought my life in 2019 was hard and full of upside downs….

Life is hard as I already knew and I have been taught time again and again!

I truly thought that 2019 was the worst year and the best at the same time in my personal life because it had been a rollercoaster of emotions, feelings and thoughts and events.

I started 2019 having so many friends…yet throughout of it I started losing them, I started to move on because I wasn’t just a college student anymore, I was a student looking for a residency so I can use what I learned in theory into action and see if it’s a job I wanted to do even though I was doubting my choice of becoming a Filmmaker in training…

I started realising what I wanted to with my life professionally wise which brought another realization of the fact that I was near nowhere to achieve the before mentioned realization!

And during all of this I met a new friend and we were in our honeymoon phase. Yes, I was losing friends in one town and gaining another one in another city.

I was… looking back now… living a very nice life….with its struggles alright but it was great! Yes, I was nervous beyond adjusting…i mean if you asked me to choose the worst anxiety I ever felt before 2020 I would say that it was that time, the time that I was looking for a job and a residency.

I might be romanticising it now in comparison to how 2020 is going but at least there wasn’t a fucking pandemic and people weren’t dying. Or countries and economies collapsing.

Then Christmas came. I got my residency one I truly liked! I lost a bit of weight (which I gained back in quarantine) and I had lost all my friends yet I had my new friend and the only thing I had to find is a job…

Christmas was the last time I managed to meet three people from my previous friend group which the two people I considered them my best friends and meet them my new friend and fast becoming my 3rd best friend.

Christmas was amazing and fun!

Then New Year’s Eve came and I felt as if I was waiting for something that has been suffocating since the Christmas of 2018 came. Mt family didn’t feel up to it either so we skipped celebrating and I refused to go out afterwards since I was invited anywhere because the people who used to invite me were not my friends anymore.

It was hurtful to watch Instagram stories of them having fun without me but also I didn’t really care because for once I felt comfortable in my house and I wasn’t forcing myself to go out and be uncomfortable in a club that they played music I hate and with alcohol I don’t drink, listening to stories and inside anecdotes I wasn’t part of because I was living in between towns.

Then 2020 came and along with it a shit load of shit for all of us.

Before quarantine lockdown in my country on February I got a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) because my mum accidentally hit me with our family’s car’s trunk in the head and I was bleeding from 7 pm up to 3 am.

Then three weeks in my recovery quarantine happened.

Quarantine was quite for me but my family two weeks before May started to fight and words were said that reminded me of the reasons why studies and research have told me that I was raised in an emotionally and very rarely physically abusive household.

I love my parents and how good and progressive, fun they are on good days but they are very scary and hurtful on bad days.

During all of this my mind wondered if I could make it to be more consistent with my posts here. I really think that my life isn’t that interesting but still I don’t know what to do with this blog.

And now .

And now that jobs are even harder to find…i fear for my future like everyone else.

So, this is what has happened of me these past year and a few months….

Sorry for not being more active here but I will try. And maybe this will be seen more.

I just need to find the courage to post about my life and my dreams into the deep unknown the Internet is since I suck at friendships in real life…

I might post a more detailed post about my 2019 life if this current post gets some attention!

Thanks for reading! I hope you are doing well too! And you are staying safe out there!!!

💙💜

Masked Insult Into An Advice

Hi, I’m 20 years old and I’m not where I want to be.

I’m 20 years old, I weight 106 Kg = 233 lbs. My height is 1.70 meters = 5.5 feet.

For society and for everyone around me I’m fat.

I haven’t been posting here a lot because I went through some things but I didn’t think they were worthy enough to post on here until something happened repeatly. I’m mentioning them to my previous post; https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/2019/09/04/are-you-happy-ma-you-broke-me/

I have two best friends…if god can call them that…their names shall stay hidden because they are the only friends I have.

I don’t blame them but it bothers me they said/say those things. I do understand they have different lives and different difficulties but it hurts when they say those things.

So, my best friends, Maxie (not her real name) and Jenny (not her real name). Maxie was born in a hard working family and she was the surprise baby and the youngest in her family, she spoiled and she is “daddy this” and “daddy that” but she is also hard working, she works two jobs yet she acts self absorbed so much that she calls me only to tell me about her day and when she asks about mine she has no time to listen (conviniently). She can be high maintance and gets bored easily whenever she would be ignored by me or the group we are hanging out with she will pinch us or whine or hit us or srcatch us in order to turn our attention to her…just like a dog if you ask me. At the same time she is gossiping and critisizing other people badly and I wonder if ever have been the topic of critique with her other friends. Also, she never refers to me as her best friend but when Jenny is around she is calling us her besties…which confuses me.

Jenny on the other hand we had a similar upbringing…she was/is mildly abused at home by her parents and older brother yet she can’t stop talking about all the good times. She is a daydreamer, she loves to write stories, listening to instrumental music and staying at home, she doesn’t drink alcohol and she is working hard on everything she puts her mind into. She wants to be happy with people that love her and support and they are honest and not violent. She wants to be told she good and appreciated.

I loved hanging out with them they helped me get out of my depression. They used to be kind. Maybe I changed but…

Their behavior changed…

Jenny got together with her ex before her most recent ex and at the same time Maxie found a boyfriend too so I was left the only one without a boyfriend and suddenly it started.

We got together and I joked that I was the only one being signle and they said and I quote/translate;

“If you shave your hands’ hair and wear something more seductive you might get one.”

“If you lose some weight and wear more makeup then you would be fine.”

“You know if you went out to clubs more maybe you would meet someone.”

They know or at least I had told them why I don’t wear seductive clothes, why I don’t drink and why I don’t like going to clubs.

Yet they don’t allow me to speak about things that bother me such as my ex best friend and what has been going on at home.

And if I manage to start a conversation about those said topics they act as if it’s the first time they hear it and they throw a “It’s over now don’t think about it” line and they change topic…like what the fuck?! I started this conversation because I wanted to disscuss about it!

It reached to a point that I didn’t want to share my news with them.

It reached to a point that I didn’t share my news with them. And they get angry when they figure it out or learn it after it happened.

For example, for those who have no idea here’s the reasons why I don’t wear makeup, I don’t shave my arm hairs, why I don’t drink. why I don’t wear seductive clothes and why I don’t go out to clubs;

1. I don’t wear makeup because I already have a history with acne and eye-allergies which sometimes get triggered when I try to wear mascara or eyeshadow. And also because I like how I see myself in the mirror. I like how I can play with the tones of my lipstick and leave the rest of my face makeup-free. I also like how I can go to any public bathroom if need to wash my face and get the oil off my face without having to do much of touch up and I can changed the tone of my lipstick much quicker to fit the occasion. Plus, I wear glasses and when long eyelashes + mascara + glasses = disaster glasses since I open and close my eyes and mascara goes on my glasses! It’s annoying! Lastly, when I laugh most times I tend to tear up and if I don’t wear mascara or anything else I can easily wipe it and call it a day and I won’t look like a panda.
2. I don’t shave my arm hair because my cousin once did and then she had problems with the hairs growing back more sharp and she had pimples, itchiness and it hurt whenever she wore long-sleeves or gloves since she is a Geologist. I already have pimples in my arms from the hairs and because I use them as a form of self-harm…i know it’s bad. Plus I’m already dealing with the same problem with the hairs on my legs and other areas such as armpits which is enough for me!
3. I don’t drink for many reasons, growing up I saw how addiction runs in both sides of the family. In my mum’s side is the alcoholism, depression, obssesive compulsive disorder, drugs and domestic abuse. While in my dad’s side it’s addiction to painkillers, obssesive compulsive disorder (again) and pathologically lying. Plus you can add to both sides autoimmune diseases and cancer which medication forbid alchohol consumption. Growing up seening incidents from both side I grew up disliking the smell of alcohol and ciggarates and the sight of meds, hospitals, assylyms and waiting corridors. I promised to myself that allow myself to be addicted to food and chocolate only! I won’t smoke, I won’t do drugs, I won’t drink and I’ll try to take care of my mental and physical health. I failed at the two last things. At 17 got diagnosed with autoimmune disease No 1; Hashimoto Thyriods which made me gain weight. At 18 I got diagnosed with autoimmune disease No 2: Osteoathritis Chondropathy located to my knees and spreading to my hips and wrists slowly and painfully. At 8 my paternal aunt’s psychiatrist saw some drawings of mine and we talked for a bit and “unofficially” diagnosed me with depression and warned my dad. I started to see signs of self-destrictive syndrom at age 9 and at the age of 15 I was forced by my then friends to drink alcohol and I didn’t like how it made me feel, I started to think very dark thoughts darker then the ones in my mind on a daily bases. Also every since I was 7 mum smoked in the house and I felt like my lungs were closing in on me and it made me tear up and starve for oxygen.
4. I don’t wear seductive clothes because I learned a very “awaking” lesson when I was 12 during PE. I decided to go to the bathroom during class and I heard the teacher allowing another one to go, we had a rule only two students at the time in the bathroom and mostly boys-girls pairs. I was coming out of the girls bathroom when my bully who was also in the same class prevented me from going any further he tried to touch me (if you understand what I mean) I kneed him in the balls and run but I didn’t run fast enough, next thing I know I’m hit in the back of my head with a mop handler and then procedded to be beating with it until I begged him to stop. He did but before I could react he was on top of me and tried to undo my tracksuit! I fought back, I hit him with my knee in the back of his head then I headbutted him and knocked him out then I run to my PE teacher with a bloody nose, a headache and couple bruises, thank god! It could have ended differently but that day I wasn’t dressed seductively I was wearing a jumper and a tracksuit. Then I started to dress with baggy clothes and then I started to gain weight so men didn’t pay much attention to me. Also, I asked my dad to teach me self defense in order to be ready. But that day I learned that they would attack you no matter how you dress. But the right attention shouldn’t be earned by how you dress but how you act and how you talk to others.
5. I don’t go to clubs because I don’t like the music their playing and what could happen if you are alone. I heard many horror stories. I prefer to stay safe in my home with TV shows. I like going to bistros where I can drink or eat something while my friends drink and we can hear one another.

Back to the point, I’m growing tired how I can’t talk about things I truly care. I feel unheard and that they either hang out with me because of pity or because I might give great advice.

Also, it might be all in my head or a portion of it. But It can’t be all! I just don’t know do I ask a lot in the friend department? Are all friendships the same or is it just me that attracts people like that?

I really don’t know..

Thanks for reading my previous post, I really appreciate it! I hope you enjoy this one just as much!

Even more tired but now you can add hopeless to the mix…awesome!

Since no one gives a shit about what i write here or anywhere really i’m going to say it…

I AM TIRED OF LIVING THIS LIFE!

SO FUCKING OVER IT!

I DISAPOINT EVERYONE.

I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE NOT EVEN MY OWN FUCKING BODY!

I JUST WANT TO DIE AND BE DONE WITH IT!

I MEAN COME ON I’M 19 GOING 20 AND I HAVE ACCOMPLISH ZERO STUFF….OTHER PEOPLE ARE LIKE BILLIONAIRES AND I’M JUST SITTING HERE TYPING THIS SHIT!

I’M DONE TRYING TO BE A CARING GOOD FRIEND SINCE I WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF LIKE 1000000000 TIMES 10 IN GOGLEPLEX PERCENT SURE.

I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER/SISTER/NIECE AND ALL THAT SHIT SINCE I WON’T BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.

I’M DONE TRYING TO BE HELPFUL TO PEOPLE IN THE FACEBOOK SUPPORT GROUP ABOUT DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY (A WHOLE DIFFERENT POST I’M STILL WORKING ON IT) I BECAME A MODARATOR IN SINCE I LOST TWO DAYS BECAUSE MY PHONE IS BROKEN AND I WAS TRYING TO BE A GOOD SISTER/HOSTESS AND DAUGHTER THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS TRYING TO BE PRESENT AND ALL THAT SHIT!

AND WHAT I GOT?

NADA!

I’M ONLY TIRED! I JUST WANT TO FALL ASLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP…OR WHEN I WILL WAKE UP TO FEEL RESTED.

THAN YOU CAN ADD SCHOOL TO THAT MIX AND THE TWO MOVIES I NEED TO GIVE IN FEBUARY AND I HAVEN’T FINISHED ANY BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE TIME!

SO THIS YEAR OF 2019 I WON’T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE IT….BECAUSE I WILL GIVE UP FIGHTING AND MAYBE KILL MYSELF IF I DON’T DIE BY SOME OTHER WAY…BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK AND THOSE WHO DO GIVE A FUCK THEY HAVE TO BECAUSE WE ARE BIOLOGICALLY LINKED IF WE WEREN’T I WOULD BE COMPLETELY ALONE.

SEE YA NEVER!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!