So, growing up I used to collect rocks from every beach I visited and I have visited half of Greece so those are a lot of beaches. I truly think that is one of the coolest things I have collected and found because they had very peculiar shapes and colours so I found them cool! Now, another coolest thing I have found was a chocolate bar that almost hit me on the head as I was coming out of the Metro in Torino, Italy during March 2023. I swear to any higher power and God that this bar (plaque) of chocolate materialized out of nowhere! It was expired and with things I was allergic to. The chocolate was thrown out but I kept the box to remember this glitch in the matrix moment I had.
Another cool thing I have is the box of the invites that were sent for my baptism, it’s a box with my initials. One more thing I have that I think is cool is a selves orniment that has a 3D rose entrapped in a glass and one side of the orniment it has a backdrop of iridescnet brown, orange and green coloured glass. It was my maternal grandfather’s and I found it and kept it without asking.
Last two things I have that I found cool are, one is my maternal grandma’s gold necklace she used to wear since she was baptized up to the day she died. And the other, this is a painting of a stormy sea that was painted by my maternal aunt modelled out of a drawing my maternal grandma made when she was my age, 24 years old. I have this painting hanging over my bed.
Blogs
Daily Prompt: What Podcasts Are You Listening To?
I listen sporadically to many podcasts but my favourites are; A Superbloom Podcast with Candice King, True Crime with Kendall Rae, Odd Trails with Andy Tate and Brandon Lanier, Quitters Podcast with Julie Bowen and Chad Sanders, The Mother Daze With Sara Wright Olsen and Teresa Palmer, History Tea Time with Lindsay Holiday, The Criminal Makeup by Audioroom Studios, The Let’s Read Podcast, Dark History with Bailey Sarian and Audioroom Studios, Dinner Is On Me with Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sony Music Entertainment and lastly Directionally Challenged with Kayla Ewell.
Not many really! Hahaha!
My 2018 Rants About Death VS My 2023 Thoughts About Death
Recently, I scrolled down to my old posts on this blog from 2018 and honestly not much has changed. The only difference is that I finished my residency, was forced into going to Italy for a 2nd time (yet It was a positive experience in contrast to the 2017 trip) and was forced to go to evening school under the guise of doing something with my life.
What hasn’t changed is the suicidal thoughts and my lack of finding a job. I have switched work sectors I’m looking in and honestly, I still have hope.
Yet, the thoughts about death, the desire to kill myself and even fantasizing about it some days have gotten worse. But 2023 me can wholeheartedly relate to 2018 me’s writings and it’s truly concerning and saddenning.
My relationship with my parents, Aunt Elena and even my sister has gotten better-ish…I don’t hang out so much with Aunt Elena anymore because my sister is always with her and I don’t want to intrude. Also, my sister and I are close but she recently made a complaint about how we don’t do stuff together anymore and I started to try to make time for that.
Depression and anxiety have gotten worse since 2018 and the state of the world overall has become unbearable so it’s sort of understanding and expected. Yet the desire to end my life because my dreams and hopes are gone is still there and getting much more desirable in the coming weeks. But it’s true what they say, hope does die last. And mine hasn’t died yet.
I might be delusional by now but I still have hope that in the future or some version of the future, the gone dreams I have might become reality. Even though I want to die I also want to see if I do manage to make the dreams little me had a form of reality.
Trying Something New!
My favourite hobbies/pastimes are writing, photography and watching TV shows/movies and documentaries.
Anxiety reacquainted
I suffered from anxiety since I was 12 years old but it seems in the late months of 2022 I was reacquainted with anxiety.
I used to be able to mask or bury my anxiety, I don’t know which is true, but I was able to control it to a level. Now, anxiety controls me! And it’s for a stupid reason to most people.
Losing my routine. That’s the thing causing my anxiety to spike. And getting my first job.
I spoke to a few people and shared my anxieties with them and all acted as if my anxiety and fear of my first job was unnecessary. Although, I have a feeling that these people didn’t have the time or luxury to feel anxiety or didn’t feel it just as intensely or at least didn’t realize it was anxiety.
I know it’s normal to feel A LEVEL OF ANXIETY for your first job but not the paralyzing one I get. Also, I have been looking for a job since 2018 and I have gone to a few interviews but I have sent far too many CVs (I don’t know the number or can recall) that I have convinced myself I would never get a job.
Furthermore, I went on a trial day at a restaurant’s kitchen and I realized that working in restaurants isn’t for me. I’m not fast enough or can handle long hours of standing or walking or long hours of soaked hands. Osteoarthritis and eczema are a few things that make this environment of work impossible for me. And I figured out the jobs I’m best suited to are remote jobs in translation and editing or any other writing-related jobs. Maybe an office job or even in publishing or editing.
Another thing that causes me anxiety is fixing my sleep schedule to accommodate the needs of the job or my parents’ needs for house chores.
Hopefully, I achieve that.
Yet anxiety might have cost my best friend… a few weeks ago my best friend asked for space. (If you don’t know what’s going on with that read https://mythoughtsandtalents.wordpress.com/2023/01/18/current-battles/)
It makes me sad to think that someone who also suffers from social anxiety would understand the situation and the feelings that come along with such issues. Alas, I understand how triggering it must be so I can’t be that mad at her.
I am hurt though because I reached out for help and she didn’t help me while other times when I didn’t reach out she gave me hell for it… And when communication was established the entire atmosphere has grown cold from my side. This friendship is testing me and is testing.
I don’t know how I will manage to live with this upgraded version of my anxiety but I will try. And if I don’t manage then…I couldn’t. Lately, dying doesn’t sound so bad.
Here’s to finding the strength to do that and getting a remote writing/translating job!
Current Battles
Lately, from Friday to today, things have been getting bad. My anxiety has spiked because on Friday I had to confirm to the night school that I would go to our Erasmus exchange program. I was having 2nd and 3rd thoughts because I’m very anxious about traveling after the pandemic and because last time I was in Italy it was an experience!
Although, now I’m a bit less anxious about the trip, I did share my anxieties with my best friend and her response was harsh. It hurt me and I told her so. The response back was even harsher saying how she tried to be considerete and kind but I didn’t respond to it so it was time for tough love. She hasn’t been all that considered BUT she has been dealing with a lot of things in her life hence why I haven’t shared much of what has been going on with me.
I know I’m part to blame for not sharing everything with my best friend but I don’t feel comfortable and kind to share my troubles and anxieties with her while she’s going through the ringer, from her health to family stuff. I have tried to be there for her as best as I can which right now I’m doubting if I did all I could. It hurts.
But what hurts the most is the fact that my own mother agrees with her. My mother always agrees with my best friend even if she has been wrong in the past. On that note, things with my parents have been going great… until today…
I have troubles waking up early and I have been trying to fix that. But today we had a fight about this and my mum used my fragile anxiety and all my shortcomings and it hurt to see her use what I have shared with them. I felt like I was being slapped and then she added that she agreed with my best friend’s words.
I have been in a very dark space especially since Monday when things went a bit dark in my head while I was showering. And now this… I cried and my intrusive thoughts turned suicidal. I rushed to my medicine box and my bag to start looking for pills just to end it.
I have been trying for years to get a job got rejected so many times, I write and put things out in the world nobody reads it not even my own family. I put on an ad for work nobody sees this. My skills aren’t in retail or restaurants it’s my writing and computers. I’m currently going to night school to learn more about computers so I can apply to such jobs but it’s not enough.
The entire universe and people around me show me that I don’t matter and I’m tired of hoping and trying. So, I’m escalating my plan instead of killing myself at 25 years old I’m killing myself this year! I’m done!
Yet, as I started Googling to see which meds would do the job I ended up cleaning out the box and expired medication and wondering what is half of them. And since I’m writing this now, I didn’t do it. But I will at some point this year because I’m fucking done.
I am a waste of recourses and space. Thanks for following me throughout these years… I guess….
Failed Friendships, Distances And, Social Media.
I used to think that friendships were the easiest when I was in Primary School…but then I look around and I see that I was just oblivious!
I either am a pretty bad friend or I attract people who either use me for a while and then leave. (As if I’m important or something…lol…I am not important.)
So, I started thinking and wondering what am I doing wrong. Because I don’t think of myself as a saint, I must be doing something and if that something is an actual fault that could cause harm in the future I must correct it before I become toxic.
And in past friendships that I had as a child, I did something wrong, I wasn’t paying attention to my friends’ feelings and we didn’t really talk about said feelings. Then in Primary School and the two grades of Junior High, I had friends that became kinda my model/default friendship in my own mind which is one of my faults. The friendship I had in Primary School was great while I was in the same zip code but when I moved away that friendship slowly disappeared. Of course, social media were still in the very early stages so we couldn’t utilize them to keep the friendship alive. Plus phone calls and letters weren’t an option because with school and other activities we didn’t have time to sit down and write. But we did try the phone call thing but again we would always miss each other either by accident or on purpose (from my friend’s side).
The end of the Primary School/Junior High friendship that was with two other girls, hurt me so bad it took me YEARS to get over. And it still pains me to think but it has numbed up a bit.
When I moved away and entered a new school and essentially a new town and society, Although the 3rd Grade of Junior High I spent it alone reeling from a chaotic and traumatizing five years on an island, So, I was by myself and very closed up socially which wasn’t weird that nobody approached me.
When I entered the 1st Grade of Senior High School I met people even though flawed I remember them fondly! People approached me at the school’s campus and I finally got to experience the traditional Greek high school experience. But because I was reeling from the failed primary I was very hesitant to emotionally bond with them until I was halfway done with the 1st Grade of Senior Grade. Once, I allowed them in the memories I have with them are one of the best memories I have in my 23 years of life! Mentally I wasn’t in the best place but hey you can’t have everything!
During the 3rd Grade of Senior High school, the friendship group changed because a lot of people graduated and left for the next step in their lives. Which took a while to get used to. And some friendships with these people fizzled out but I have no hard feelings against them. Those friendships taught me about the importance of second chances in friendship and how it is to be friends with people that you have nothing in common with but the school and town you’re in. It broaden my horizons and introduced me to new things which helped me gain opinions on topics that in other situations wouldn’t have even touched let alone have an opinion on.
Then came the in-between period of studying for graduating exams and I met one person who till to this day we are friends and I consider her my best friend. But as I was getting to know her I made a promise that I won’t repeat the past mistakes which were to remain distant even though I consider them my friends.
Trust came very hard and I’m still struggling with it.
Once those exams ended and I went to college, I was very cold and distant and didn’t make any friends at college which now I regret doing but at the time it was what I needed mentally. Around the end of the second year of college, I did meet a friend and I consciously tried not to repeat the past’s mistakes but the friendship didn’t last even though I tried.
The 2020 pandemic destroyed that friendship because during the lockdown our friendship was challenged by the use of ghosting. During the summer of 2020, the friendship completely ended because she ghosted me for a very long time. It hurt and made me angry that I failed yet another friend, but this time the fault wasn’t entirely my own.
Now, online friendships for some reason were easier to keep alive. And has made me think that even though my real-life friendships were with people that I hadn’t anything in common with while with my online friends I do have things in common with them. And that is one of the many reasons why most of my friendships through the internet last.
Which taught me that if I don’t share my interests with my friends I’m not sharing my real self and that if I want a friendship to last I can’t just sit back and wait for my friendships to strengthen and not fall apart. I know it’s really dumb thing to realize at the age of 23.
Chaos And War
TRIGGER WARNING: TALKING ABOUT THE WAR IN UKRAINE, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND EVERY OTHER GEOPOLITICAL SITUATION!
The world…the world is ending and you can’t convenience me otherwise.
My heart is shattered hearing what is happening in Ukraine before this I have been following very loosely what was happening since 2014 but I never thought it would go as far as a war.
I’m terrified that this is just the beginning of something far worse that will destroy the life I and many of us know. And the most terrifying thing I have come to realize is how normal I think it is and how numb I became after the shock faded away. Since the pandemic started and the rest of the chaos that followed I’m so tired of historic events happening every six minutes!
In 2014 I dreaded thinking of the possibility of a war…although I have been thinking about it many times during the day…now…there’s not a day where I haven’t thought about the horrors that are happening now in Ukraine.
I live far away from Ukraine and I’m safe but seeing how quickly this country’s safety was taken away from millions of families and people it’s unsettling. I spent days looking around my room and house mentally trying to pack my entire life…and I got so anxious by just the thought of it! Imagine having to actually execute this entire action?!
Furthermore, I can’t go on TikTok and dissociate from reality because the only way for me to get updates on the situation in Ukraine is through TikTok causing my entire fyp to be full of videos with this situation…so I can’t not go on it to run away from reality because reality gets thrown in my face. This is the least of my problems because everything had gone up prices-wise and jobs are scares…
Since 2021 and 2022 started I have been more actively searching for remote and local jobs and haunting for a residency but so far they are very little improvement. I really have no optimistic idea how things will turn out.
As much as I don’t like to admit it, I’m not built to survive a world war or any war! I have no survival skills! Hell, I have no skills period! The only thing I can do is write…yep that’s it…maybe throw a punch? No…not even that….
Watching everything that is happening in Ukraine and Russia I can’t help but feel sad and angry! Because the Ukrainians don’t deserve this and at the same time the Russian people, those who are against this war, don’t deserve these sanctions Europe and the entire world have imposed on Russia. Putin and those who support him and the war do deserve the sanctions and even to get trialed for crimes against humanity to the highest court of justice! These soldiers who support this war give a bad rep to those who were forced to get drafted/enlisted and sent under false info from the higher-ups!
Also, these people are monsters, because they aren’t soldiers or humans when they agree to fight and shoot at innocents, invade a country that doesn’t deserve this, and don’t obey the laws of war that were signed in 1948! Back to the point, these monsters also make it more difficult to believe soldiers who ACTUALLY surrender their weapons because they actually don’t want to fight this war…
I really hope this ends soon because we are nearing four months of this…I can’t understand why not so many countries have moved army-wise to help Ukraine and stop Putin from doing this and only send “prayers”… I’m thankful that countries sent food and medical aid but if those things can’t actually reach them because the Russian army is stoping it…what’s the point…how can they help them?
I wish I wasn’t so helpless….
Depression, Anxiety and After-Covid Traveling.
I have depression since I was eight and anxiety since I was twelve years old. But traveling…traveling I’ve been doing since I was nine months old.
As a toddler before mental health became an issue for me, I loved it but after some time it got tiring and annoying, every summer touring half of Greece waking up in one place and sleeping in another. Seeing friends and family was the good thing plus I would get to see new places.
But when my mental health started declining so did my energy. I would get irritated having to put up a happy smiley faces and having no one to really talk about what was happening to me, I had no idea how it was called back then.
Then came the money problems, I would feel guilt and anxiety whenever I would listen to my parents schedule the trip and watch all the bills. I have memories of my parents, specifically my dad’s face, how they would winced whenever my sister and I would ask either for ice cream or to order something other than a juice at the cafes we would go with family and friends. I also remember my mum’s frown whenever we would have to order takeout because we had no means to cook homemade food. All that made me feel guilty for adding more financial stress by just existing and with already weighted mental health didn’t help.
That resulted into me dreading the summers and road trips altogether. I preferred staying homebound and going to closer places, ya known local tourism and all.
When I became a teenager, specifically 17 years old and onwards, due to financial strain in my family we started going to divided vacations meaning that in a week, on Monday with Tuesday dad and I would visit his village, while mum and sister stayed at home. Then Wednesday with Friday mum and dad would have their vacation somewhere close by. On the weekends my sister and I would go to the city an hour away from our hometown and stay at our aunt’s place having some sister time. These types of trips were better for my anxiety but not my depression.
Since I was 18 years old we started going for vacation in one place, my grand aunt’s house aka my maternal grandma’s hometown which is a near the sea and it’s a tourist attraction plus we have our own house. Anxiety wise this was not much of an issue if you moved past the long hours to get to the city and then clean a house that has a year worth of dust. At 18 cleaning that house was a ten years worth of dust so it was much trouble to clean and then shape it like we wanted. Adding the home repairs that the house was in desperate need of. It started to feel like a home away from home.
In the city my depression seems to either get heavier or weightless depends on a lot of factors I have come to realize. At 18 my depression was heavy because my friends didn’t understand the need for me to travel with my family and not go on a solo vacation with them. Plus, it was a year after my grandmother died so we were all still grieving or in various stages of grief so I feared if we separated things wouldn’t be great, plus we had lawyers and home repairs to deal with so my parents needed help. At 19 i was fine at first, my anxiety was at its peak because of no WiFi or TV and I didn’t know what to do with myself or my electronics. But then I got the worst depressive episode I had so far, it was excruciating and fights ensued because of it between myself and my family. The entire summer was tense.
At 20, i was better prepared, I had downloaded movies/tv shows/songs and I had plenty of stories waiting to be written plus I had learned the city by now and my sister and I had set a goal to start working out and exploring the city while working on our sisterly bond. That summer city had become a place where all of us would work on our familial bond, we would have long conversations about what transpired during the winter and solve any conflicts we had. We would return home with a stronger bond and calmer minds for the winter. My depression and anxiety that summer was the not good but not bad either I felt like I had it under control and my parents helped me through two of my episodes. Plus my sister was a star! She would drag me out of bed and push me to exercise or pretend to need my help with this or that.
At 21, it was even better! Cleaning the house was less of a hassle now because we knew where each thing went. But, pre-Covid lockdown that house was broken into. So when we went there we had to fix things around the house. Having to do that plus the already burdened mental health due to two lockdowns and how the state of the world was/is. During the lockdowns I had severe anxiety and my depression wasn’t at its best. Had some episodes but what was worse was my anxiety and I know I wasn’t the only one all of us sustained emotional and physical trauma from the 2020 and keeping being traumatized a year later.
Now, at 22, I didn’t want to go to the summer home at all because it meant separating from WiFi and if I thought in the past I was addicted to them now I was EVEN MORE addicted. Anxiety peaked when I was trying to make space in my computer’s storage to add move movies and tv shows, ASMR videos and ambient ones. But what things were even more terrifying were the facts that I was travelling alone with my teen sister who I was legally now her guardian during this trip while grieving the recent death of our grandaunt Helena, me recovering from the second dose of the Covid vaccine, the heat wave that my country was under, my own bladder issues and on top of that our road was changed originally because the original route was in flames, wildfires were plaguing my country. The place we were heading to 48 hours ago was also in flames and the flames had stopped 10-20 minutes away from our house there.
Thankfully, the bus ride was uneventful and not hot at all, the only scary thing was that the bus had once more to divert its route because the wildfire we were trying to avoid licked the back of our bus, you looked out of your window and you saw the firey beast! No one was hurt but when we stopped at rest stop the bus driver cleaned the back from the ash and checked the tires and let us know that because of this change of route we lost one scheduled stop and added one more hour to the already seven hours trip. He said he would have accelerate our speed so we can make it on time but he told us to check our bus schedules for those who had connected bus rides or flights or trains and ships. It was a bit of a mess on that front. But everyone obeyed the Covid laws and we had masks one and everything. He managed to get us to our destination with 45 minutes to spare because collectively the bus told the driver not to make another stop when he asked at te 3 hour mark and he saw a rest stop. My bladder was also cooperating with me and making it difficult but the seats were a little too uncomfortable for mine and my sister’s body types. But i did dehydrate myself in order to make it work.
Seeing the fire nearing us and smelling it while seeing my baby sister sleeping soundly next to me oblivious to the danger we were in was a lot and I realized it at night when I woke up from a nightmare and I had a panic attack. And that didn’t help when the next day around 6 pm as I’m sitting in the balcony facing the sea and the Central Greece I saw the fires appearing, I heard their screams, I heard and saw the firefighting planes trying to get to them. I smelled the smoke. I froze realizing how close we were, the Gulp of Korinthos was what was keeping us safe. That night I hardly slept not being able to breathe and hearing the planes.
I was awakened at 10 am by the sound of my phone with an evacuation alert because of how close we were. Watching my country burn reminded me of tow other summers that were plagued in flames when I was 11 years old and 19 years old, Greece never recovered from that fire, a decade and four years later, and seeing that this year’s fires were worse and bigger in kilometers and cities that it claimed, I know Greece will never recover. Not in two decades or more. Animals and tree species were forever gone because for arsonists and climate change.
At 22 the summer of 2021 was one of those summers that we had once more tour almost all of Greece, a challenging trip because of Covid mandates, money, heat waves and wildfires. You had to make sure where you were going wasn’t burning and you had an evacuation plan or plans in mind just in case fire gets to where you were. You were nowhere safe.
I visited Athens for what I count as the first time this summer. I mean my internet best friend in real life, met my honorary Uncle Thomas aka my mum’s best friend. And saw where my mum was staying when she was a teen like me and in college. I used to be afraid and despise Athens but after this trip I view the city in less negative light but still I want to discover it more before I say that I like it. I had fun. My anxiety and depression in Athens was almost non-existent. I did felt anxious because it’s a huge city and it takes time to commute and scheduling to meet with people and standing them up is my nightmare and worse fear plus the fear of being mugged. I sued the subway for the first time and I loved it! I love trains in general! Athens felt wrong especially while staying at the house my mum lived as college student and how small it was.
But walking amongst the ancient places it felt oddly familiar and that is what made me change my mind about this city. Something in me this summer changed but I don’t know what it is.
Not yet. But this summer, the summer of 2021, didn’t feel like a summer, like a vacation. It felt void, forced even untimely like it wasn’t meant to be summer yet but it was summer. Fearing an invisible enemy and a fiery one. It left me unsure because it taught me that nothing is forever, moments, laughter, houses, land nothing.
I hope the summer of 2022 to be happier or at least with happier moments.
Those are my thoughts on anxiety, depression and the aftermath of Covid travelling.
Depression And Friendships
Trigger Warning; Mention of depression, anxiety, self-harming! Read with caution!
According to my parents, I was always a very friendly child growing up…but then the depression came, and with it a shitload of other dark things in my life, breaking my trust and friendly spirits.
Now, as an adult of 21 going 22 years of life, I can’t understand how I view making friends so easy as a kid. Yes, talk to others is easy but maintaining a friendship is hard work! And especially with my anxiety and depression, it makes things twice as hard!
Most of my anxiety attacks during this pandemic had been because I didn’t answer phones or messages from my friends. I was really stressed about keeping up with everyone and everything yet wanting to be locked in my room and write or watch tv shows and movies without being bothered.
And I don’t know if it’s me but whenever I have a problem I don’t reach out to my friends because the times I did reach out I expected something I didn’t get and even apathy. An event is very fresh in my mind, it was when I was feeling very very low when I was 19 and I called my then-new friend (now best friend) to talk me out of self-harming, she did help by distracting me but when she asked me why I called her all of a sudden and told her she told me not to stress about it! And on other occasions, she wasn’t all that empathetic which stank at that moment, I get it now since I’ve known her better, calming words aren’t her thing and I appreciate that she’s trying. But since it’s not her thing I feel awful putting her in such a position so I refrain from telling her anything and try to solve it myself, if I can’t then I reach out.
Having said that, I believe I found myself in a similar situation myself, I met this girl from Tumblr a year or so ago and we decided to start talking on Discord during the second lockdown here in Europe. She and I have similar mental health issues, hers are more severe than mine, which pains me greatly and I wished I could somehow lift some of that burden off her so she could rest. She needed me, and I couldn’t find the right words to say to her.
The same thing happened with another kid, he’s way younger than me, we met on Quora and we re-connected on Discord last year. He’s self harming and shows signs of self destructive behavior, he reached out to me thinking because I was dealing with the same issues that I could help counsel him as both an older person but also sort of veteran in that alley of issues.
I couldn’t help him either, his behavior triggered me so bad I retreated to a very dark corner. And through countless hours of talking with him I realized he doesn’t want to help himself, he expects others to heal him. I felt uncomfortable both because of our age difference and of how severe his issues were, he didn’t need me he needed a psychiatrist. I tried to tell him to go, I send him links and resources, he didn’t use them. So, I made the hard decision to stop communicating with him.
I felt like a shitty person for not healing him. But I understood that this wasn’t my place.
Then we have a former best friend I had, she had undiagnosed issues and hard life, I was in awe that she survived that much. Our friendship was great from my point of view but not from hers, the moment the summer of 2020 came she cut contact with me. It burned and I grew angry and bitter but looking back now, she was going through something that I couldn’t help her with because I wasn’t fit to help her. If our friendship had withstood the test of the pandemic I truly fear it would have turned toxic or I would have become toxic trying to survive it. But all that are theories. I truly don’t know how that friendship would have turned out since it seemed I was wearing rosy-colored glasses and didn’t see the cracks. I hope she’s doing okay though because she blocked me on everything…
Then we have my other friend, E, E and I go way back, we met on the first day of High School and our friendship is casual with many breaks of communication in between because of life. I liked how uncomplicated our friendship is and how understanding she’s is. Do I trust her? Yes. Am I being honest with her? Yes, it’s hard but I’m trying. I truly believe mine and E’s friendship has been this casual because I don’t hide my emotions and opinions from her and I really hope she does the same thing. Although, I have been warned by people to be careful with her because she gossips a lot but the people who warned me about her caused me the most heartache down the line, so it’s safe to say they were biased and maybe trying to break us up.
Then I have my only male friend, with whom the friendship is complicated, to say the least and we have loooong cuts in communication and we live in the same town for Christ’s sake! E lives in a village half an hour away, my best friend lives also in a village half an hour away and my Tumblr turned Discord friend lives in England! He doesn’t really communicate which is hard and I don’t really know if he views me as his friend anymore but it’s nice whenever we meet up.
Throughout our friendship, I went through very dark bouts of depression and yet he never noticed which I don’t blame him it wasn’t his job to do so but it kinda made me bitter but again that’s my issue.
My issue is that my depression, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, and trust issues make me closed off and spend too much time in my head and not noticing what’s going on around me. And when I do I take too long to react.
I have no idea how to balance my mental health and my friendships and be helpful when it comes to my friends’ mental healths, I’m still learning though.
Hopefully, I don’t lose any more friends in the process.
Daydreamer's Mind 